Couples counselling - does it work?

[Shefliesonherownwings]

Hi, I am leaning more and more towards thinking DH and I really need some couples counselling to work through some issues and sort out our communication. DH is not keen at all, I will probably have to give him an ultimatum to get him there but I do genuinely think we need something or our issues will drive us apart.

Does it work? Can it help fix things? The 2 couples I know who have done it, ended up divorcing and I really want to do whatever I can to work things out and avoid divorce. Has anyone done it and it actually helped?

Depends. It never works and should never be attempted with a cheater. The counsellor's only move is to try to get the one who has been abused by the cheater to take some of the blame, or move past the abuse, but it's always 100% the cheater's fault they chose to cheat and is compounding abuse for a counsellor to try to get a couple to stay together when one is abusive.

The counsellor sees the marriage as the client and tries to fix it, when no abuser should be sitting in a room chatting about the abuse they have inflicted on their wife (or husband). See Chump Lady for more info.

If there is no abuse, such as cheating or any other kind of abuse, it can work provided the counsellor is not a manpandering misogynist.

Really, it depends on what you are seeking therapy about and whether the therapist is ethical, well trained and skilled. Social workers tend to be good family therapists as they are good at pulling all the threads together, I knew one years ago who was an excellent marriage counsellor.

Worst experience of my life but my husband was abusive and he played her like a fiddle. She was completely underqualified and underskilled to deal with him. We divorced and I wish I never bothered. If I feel a relationship I’m in in the future requires counselling I’ll leave. Never again.

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum to seek therapy. You don't want someone who had to be dragged there.

I disagree with the pp, who said never have couple's therapy with someone who has cheated. The comments show their own experience or a lack of understanding about his therapy works.

Some people go to therapy, but have already checked out of the relationship and do it as a tick box exercise. They were never truly invested.

If BOTH parties really want to make things work, it is very helpful, but it is not a magic wand and you need to be committed to it.

I'm happy to answer any other questions via DM... I'm a Therapist.

Nope. You're dangerously wrong and should never be near an abused woman. Ever.

OP therapists who defend helping abusers stay married CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Go to the Chump Lady site.

Person who I am responding to - not interested in your response as you're dangerous and unethical.

Yes
I work in a similar field. Do check qualifications as some are just life coach type people

When its helpful is to help facilitate a conversation in a different way so for example if you end up having a repetitive conversation or struggle to "hear" each other

The times where its less helpful is when people expect me to act as a referee and decide who's right or to spend the sessions trying to convince me they are in the right rather than speak to each other. Sometimes people also come in with an idea that I can tell their partner they are wrong, punish them or that I should be telling them to break up

You do very much need to be willing to listen to each other and work with each other.

I dont always class it as a failure if It doesn't save the relationship if it helps couples come to understand they fundamentally not able to meet each others needs. Sometimes the best thing is for the relationship to run its course but its very much about facilitating you coming to that realisation vs me telling you

It can work but people need to be open to it.

BUT as someone else has said make sure the person you see has proper qualifications and specific experience with couples counselling. I know way too many 40plus women who thought they would make great counsellors because they are “god listeners”, they then do some crap course - often online - and tout themselves as counsellors. Post grad qualifications in psychotherapy is the minimum for me.

A cheater is NOT always abusive. There is a big difference.

You may have a cheater who is abusive, but not EVERY cheater is abusive.

Therapy with an abusive person IS NOT recommended. Abs can be dangerous, because they are manipulative

Many relationships have survived infidelity and good counselling/therapy can support and guide the process.

You have to be engaged and someone who doesn’t want to be there probably won’t be