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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pils at Christmas post bereavement

15 replies

slet · 28/10/2025 13:23

do people think this is wrong at Christmas?

I lost my beloved dad earlier this year after a short illness. We have invited my mum to ours for Christmas, but she has decided to visit my sister who lives abroad. I get it as she says she wants it to be completely different from previous Christmases and thinks being at home or at my house which is close to hers, will be hard without dad.

this means that I will spend Xmas at home with my dcs and dh, just the four of us. I think it’s going to be a sad day for me but hopefully we will still make it nice for the dcs (teens).

PILs are now asking about our plans. They haven’t invited us to theirs, I think they are just trying to suss out what our plans are, and not sure if they were angling for an invite to us. For the last few years they have tended to have Xmas on their own as they live a couple of hours way and they have fancy not typically Xmas food (think lobster, oysters, champagne) and then we see Them at new year or another time over the holidays. Dh wondered about inviting them so that it won’t just be us at home and it would be nicer for the dcs to have other family around. I can’t see what he means but I am wary. They are emotionally unavailable and if I get myself upset on Xmas day, which is likely, they won’t be supportive at all, they just won’t know what to say, and it will be awkward. Their lack of support in this respect upset me when I lost my dad and I do now find spending time with them quite difficult. It sound awful but I find it hard seeing them as it’s a reminder that dh still has his family “in tact” whilst mine isn’t and I know they won’t ever love me or even like me in the way my dad did. But then I worry about the the DCs and whether it is right to keep them from their gps at Christmas when we could easily invite them.

what would others do in this situation?

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 28/10/2025 13:30

Make it clear to your husband that you do NOT want to invite your in laws or go to their house for Xmas as this year it’s all new after your dad died and they are awful when it comes to emotions and you just want a
nice family Christmas just you and your husband and kids. Also that you don’t ever see them being invited due to the way they are. Make it clear to both of them NOW so something isn’t “accidentally” arranged without you knowing it and then you’ll neon here asking how to cancel them coming! Tell them as well as your dh that you are having a quiet family Christmas- just YOUR little family!! - and are looking forward to it even though it’ll be hard

MalteserGeezee · 28/10/2025 13:31

Keep it small, keep it simple -- just the four of you. Your kids are old enough to understand if you're upset or need a bit of quiet time. Make the day itself easy and low-key. Teens won't want to be forced into board games or activities etc. This time, it's maybe a day to navigate rather than actively force yourself to enjoy. It's just another 24 hours in the long and bumpy timeline of grieving. Get through it as best you can, prep the husband and kids in advance that you might be a bit more fragile/subdued than usual, and get it ticked off the calendar.

Hiver · 28/10/2025 13:32

So even putting aside your loss, I am going to guess you would not want to spend Christmas with your in-laws anyway?

PurpleCyclamen · 28/10/2025 13:32

The first Christmas without your dad will be difficult OP. I sympathise having lost my own dad unexpectedly just before Christmas a few years ago.
I think it would be nice for your children to see their other grandparents at Christmas, a busy house might be a nice distraction for you too.
It really depends on how you, your husband and children feel. Just communicate with the in-laws to let them know how you are feeling.

slet · 28/10/2025 13:42

Hiver · 28/10/2025 13:32

So even putting aside your loss, I am going to guess you would not want to spend Christmas with your in-laws anyway?

Edited

Well, we have spent it with them in the past, just not the last few years, and it’s been ok. (I have known them for 25 years!)

It’s just this year, I feel like it’s very raw and I don’t think I’m ready to spend it with them again this year In particular.

OP posts:
Hiver · 28/10/2025 13:45

The way you describe how your PILs are with you on another thread Op… quite honestly I’m surprised you have anything to do with them. The blank you, hardly acknowledge you, completely disinterested in you? And your DH seems to stand by passively and spectate??

therewasafishinthepercolator · 28/10/2025 13:52

I would keep it just you, dh and dc. This will an emotional day for you. If they ask again about your plans dh can tell them you're just going to stay home keeping it lowkey as it is your first Christmas without your Dad. I can't see anyone batting an eyelid at that. Look after yourself.

sittingonabeach · 28/10/2025 13:58

I would keep it just you. When my DF died Christmas was our first 'first' without him and I found it very hard. To have someone else's Dad there would have really upset me (grief can make you selfish for awhile). If FIL would have been on his own I would have sucked it up, but if you don't feel like it don't have them on the Day. They don't live miles away so DH and the teens can go visit them near the day (if you don't feel up to seeing them) Any caring person should understand a recent bereavement can be very hard, especially around times like Christmas and birthdays

LizzieSiddal · 28/10/2025 14:00

You’ve just lost your dad, you should be allowed to decide how you spend your first Xmas without him. 💐

Endofyear · 28/10/2025 14:16

I think it's fine to have Xmas this year with just your husband and children. Maybe visit PIL on Boxing Day or your DH can. I find Christmas very hard since I lost my dad and it's been 10 years! The first few without him, I really struggled but got through it for my mum and kids. Now my kids are all adults, I keep it much more low key and don't put lots of pressure on myself to please everyone else. Do what you need to do to get through it, and don't feel guilty - your DH should support you in whatever you need and he can go and see his parents anytime he likes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2025 14:26

It’s up to you entirely as to how to spend your first Christmas without your father. My mother is spending Christmas with my brother and they’re going out to eat.

I am facing this same issue and have decided to spend it at home with my family. Do not let anyone pressurise you into making decisions that are uncomfortable to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2025 14:40

It also does your children no favours at all seeing you being do disrespected by your in-laws. You would not tolerate this from a friend so you need to ask yourself why you’ve put up with them to date.

CagneyNYPD1 · 28/10/2025 15:41

Hard No.

The first Christmas after losing a parent can be tough. Put yourself first. Make it clear now so that there can be no confusion in the run up to the day.

Take care of yourself @slet

slet · 29/10/2025 07:33

Thank you everyone for you advice on this. It’s make me see that obviously the solution is very simple, that we will be spending it just the four is us because it is likely to be a difficult day and we want to keep it low key and get through it.

sorry to others who are facing a similarly hard situation following losses this year.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 29/10/2025 07:48

hope DH supports you in this decision

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