How to actually get divorced?

[Hagr1d]

Just that really. Once you have decided that you want to leave your husband, what are the practical steps? How do you live together in the mean time? How do you navigate family life im the transitiom and raise kids when you're not a team? Is the upheaval even worth it and has anyone been through a divorce where their kids have come out relatively unscathed on the other side? The youngest is a toddler but the older two are 8 and 9... how do you explain to your kids that mummy and daddy are breaking up? How long does the whole process take? Sorry my head is all over the place and I'm trying to figure out what would be worse for me and the kids: staying with him or leaving? I am stressed and feel ill from it. He is fine and has no idea I am seriously considering leaving. 10 years of marriage and it's like my eyes have suddenly opened and I've realised I can't take his bullshit anymore.

Hi. Well done for recognising it and choosing to prioritise yourself and your family.
I left with a toddler so can't comment on the older kids. But I imagine they will be picking up on the dynamics and will be happier in a relaxed home.
Practical sense - you can apply for a divorce online. It cost about £600 from memory for the divorce itself but if you need solicitors and/or mediation to negotiate asset division this will be where the real money is spent.
I left and stayed with a family member for a few months and am now renting somewhere until the family home is sold and I can buy somewhere of my own. But it will depend on your circumstances. I would highly recommend prioritising speaking to a solicitor and Women's Aid to make a plan.
I would also continue to keep things 'normal' and not tell him for as long as you can. I talked to him about it and things really blew up and got very distressing.
But now almost a year later, nearly divorced, (hopefully) nearly moved to our permanent home, myself and my child are so much more happy and relaxed.
Good luck and all the best

It all depends on one big factor.
Can you be co-parents with your stb-ex husband? Can he put the wellfare of the children first and be part of the team of parents who does what's best for them?

If the answer is yes, then this can be quite simple.
You start off by putting topics on the table to discuss. Not suggestions, demands or wishes. Topics, on which you can have a dialogue together and work out what the best way forward is.
As soon as you start off the conversation with your ideas, wishes and demands, you'll bump into resistance and defensiveness, and that won't get you anywhere.

So rather than saying "we need to figure out which one of us moves out first", you'd say something like "we need to discuss housing. What are the pro's and con's of the different options we have".
Think questions rather than statements.

It would be great if you can start off with a foundation of "we're figuring this out together. We'll get some thing right and we'll also make mistakes. That comes with the unknown territory. We assume we're all here to do what's best, so mistakes are no ones fault. Just part of learning".

If however that above scenario is completely unrealistic - which is likely because otherwise what would be the reason for getting a divorce - then you need a completely different approach.
You need to be as prepared as you can. Get legal advice. Talk to a child psychologist to get advice on how to tell the kids. Surround yourself with people who can give good objective advice that won't be cast aside because of emotions or impulses. Get a mediator to help you work out the practical side of things.
Make sure you're prepared for a nasty divorce. Great if it turns out fine, but best to be prepared so you won't be caught off guard.

Thanks this is very useful and helpful. I think realistically I am going to have to bide my time and try to save a bit more money. I do work, but only part time now so financially it's not great for me.

I'm happy that you are able to get out, I wish you and your child a happy peaceful future. xx

"i left and stayed with family" - i dont have anyone closer than an hour and my children go to school and are settled here. This id my issue, I cant just up and leave. Whilst I am physically safe because he has never shown an inclination to violence/hit me, he disrespects me and I have a strong gut feeling that it is probably emptional abuse and financial abuse. It doesn't matter what the label is - he is horrible to me and it has got slowly worse over the years ...

Thanks, this is really good. Unfortunately he isnt reasonable now, whilst married to me. I envisage him being rather bitter and difficult when i do leave...

I never thought about a child psych, thanks...

I know he will make it hard and he will fight to have the kids live with him (even though I do most of the day to day and he is out of our city 7-7 during the week?)

So basically, I have realised that I need to stick it out for now and not tell him. I need time to save money. It is going to be tough and it might take a year , if I'm honest😭

It helps to set clear goals, so you don't end up getting sucked back in and doubting your decisions all over again.
Set a goal on how much money you want to save and how long you're realistically going to need. Don't go for a sum that's comfortable. Go for what's neccessary.
Then start mapping out the network you need around you once you do leave. Have the help set in place. Get your legal advice already. Have the paperwork drawn up, ready to send out. Look into the benefits you might qualify for. Tell the people you love about your plans and see if they are willing to help out in any way. They might surprise you, despite the distance.
Do whatever you can do to minimise the threshold once you need to get out.

It's great you have a plan and a year vs the rest of your life is huge!
As you've identified the behaviour as potential abuse (which I would agree with given what you've said), you may be eligible for legal aid to pay for or help towards the cost of legal advice, depending on your savings.
As someone said above, look into your eligibility for benefits as you may well get a top up to your part time wage once you live alone. There is a website called Entitled To and some others I believe.

I would also recommend educating yourself about abusive behaviours if there is a way to read/attend courses without your husband's knowledge. I found 'Divorcing a Narcissist' particularly useful, also 'Why Does He Do That' (you can Google to find a free pdf) to identify abusive behaviours. I can recommend more if you like. And there may be courses like the Freedom Programme at local women's centres/domestic abuse charities. It doesn't matter that there has been nothing physical, all of these behaviours including emotional and financial are used for the same purpose, to control you and are so detrimental to you and the children. I have coped so much better and managed to stay calm a lot more easily having learned a lot about abuse and abusers.

Something someone said to me that has really stuck is that the kid/s will unfortunately spend less time with you if they live with their dad for some of the time, which is hard, but they will at least have one home that is relaxed and supportive, rather than having a mum all the time in a tense home. I'll try and find the quote as I'm sure they worded it much better!

Our divorce is amicable-ish. We have been living together for the past 15 months whilst it happens, probably another 6 months to go as neither of us can move out until the house is sold and the financials sorted. It’s not much fun in a small house but it’s manageable.

I instigated it, but it took me a few months to actually file although we did a joint application in the end. The 20 weeks wait time is painful and you can’t do a lot in that time really.

There’s no abuse in our case, we agree on terms and are both working and able to
be financially independent with joint custody.
The only slightly contentious thing was who gets the cats.

It is still hard though, and I am sure damaging DD- but so was listening to her parents being utterly vile to each other.

Forgot to add and can't work out how to edit - just in case useful, if you want to enquire/apply for legal aid you can speak to a family solicitor. As I understand it this can help towards legal advice and child arrangement proceedings.

Fancycatslave- hope the 6 months flies by and enjoy your new home and freedom when you get there!