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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh had an emotional affair, we are on a separation, dunno if he is still seeing her, its eating me up

22 replies

ratbunny · 05/06/2008 23:07

so thats the gist of it.
His phone bill arrived today, and last month (when it all kicked off) he spent 4 hours on the phone to her and nearly 200 texts to her.
I cant help examining his facebook etc to see if they are contacting each other.
He is living on his own, so he could be up to anything.
The thing is, I feel like I am moving on, but really need closure - either he is still trying to get with her (she has a boyfriend), in which case I really cant be his 'friend' and me and him have no chance EVER of getting back together, or he isnt, and I will be his friend and perhaps we will work things out.
Its eating me up, and he isnt giving me an answer - we have colled things off, I havent slept with her is all he is saying..

ARRRGGGHHHH!!!

OP posts:

theSuburbanDryad · 05/06/2008 23:15

rats - he needs to get on the AD's and sort some counselling out first, no? maybe then you can look at whether he is still talking to her?

one thing at a time - IMO if he can't get the AD's and counselling sorted out then you guys don't have much chance anyway, do you?

Sorry to be blunt, but i think sometimes things need to be put in perspective? Feel free to spit in my eye and tell me to fuck off though...

Original poster

ratbunny · 05/06/2008 23:16

you see, I dont know whether his being depressed is actually all of the guilt he is feeling about fucking around with us all.
Or if he really is depressed.
Or what really..

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Original poster

ratbunny · 05/06/2008 23:17

And to be blunt, if he is depressed cos of all the fucking up he has done and is continuing to see her, I really cant be his 'friend' and support him through it.

OP posts:

theSuburbanDryad · 05/06/2008 23:21

I think that if he said he was going to sort out AD's/counselling then he should as it would show that he is committed to you and ds. He needs to sort his head out, really, and that's not your responsibility or your problem. He left, he was talking to the other woman - if he wants you and ds back then he has to do a lot of work and - IMO - that should mean doing what he says he will.

Otherwise it's all just a load of shite, isn't it?

I'm off to bed now, and will be at work tomorrow, but feel free to text or MSN me later.

Original poster

ratbunny · 06/06/2008 09:52

well, he is still her friend. He didnt rule out a relationship with her, though he said it wouldnt be anything long term. He would not say that he didnt still want to be with her, or that he isnt still trying to get things together with her.
So thats that.
I cannot possibly be friends with someone who has disrepected and betrayed me, who broke up our family for what will proabably be a short term fling. I wouldnt stay friends with anyone else who treated me like that, so I dont see why he should be any different. I will still be civil to him, for ds's sake, of course. He is still his dad, after all.
I told him that I hope the short term relationship is worth 14 years of friendship.

It hurts, but tbh it means that I can really stop the obsessing, the worrying, the insecurity.
I feel like a weight has been lifted.

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Kally · 06/06/2008 11:35

Just from experience... once a cheater always a cheater. I had all this with my ex, and I forgave him after the first affair (12 years into our marriage) and we carried on (it was hard but I gave it my best shot for the kids) and guess what...there were other affairs I didnt know about until after the separation. 26 years of being loyal and devoted, at the age of 47 I finally divorced. If they cross that line, and cause pain and anguish and suffering (as it was to us all) then there is something basically wrong with the realtionship. If you are young, kick it to the curb and find a loyal partner and don't waste your life like I did. LOL(I take that back because I wouldn't change a second because I have 3 lovely children from that adventure)...but I suffered. Been out of all that now for 5 years and never felt happier. That worry and distrust will always be there like a demon.

HappyWoman · 06/06/2008 18:13

I dont know the whole story - but i would think he has already crossed the line - does it really matter if knickers stay on?
He is disrepecting you by continuing to choose the friendship with her over your realationship.

I do think poeple can change though.
The depression is probably from his guilt but it is easier for him to get help from you for depression rather than the truth of the guilt of his lies.

To make it work he needs to be completly honest and start meeting some of your needs too - and it that means she is completly off the secene then that is what he needs to do.

Good luck.

Original poster

ratbunny · 06/06/2008 18:45

happywoman - well he has made it clear that he will not do that. And I agree that he has already crossed the line.
tbh I was so obsessed with checking up on him that there is no way I could go back into a relationship with him - I would forever be insecure.
Shame he chose our friendship of 15 years over a month or so friendship with this girl. Never mind, its his loss. I really cant stay friends with someone who has no respect for me.

I just needed closure - basically my decision was that if he was still interested in her then I will forget getting on with him totally. If he wasnt, I would still help him and support him, and maybe (or maybe not) one day we would sort ourselves out and be a family again.

He is not worth the space in my mind. Now I am feeling good about my freedom, and had a good ol flirt with our tasty postman!

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jasper · 07/06/2008 00:43

I am abit confused about the details.

I take it you have split up?

If you have kids you will still have contact so should remain friendly.

If you don't have kid you don't have to be friends but common decency suggests you should be polite nad friendly if you ever see him.

What he gets up to with the other woman now you are apart should not come into it, ESPECIALLY if you have children.

Original poster

ratbunny · 07/06/2008 09:24

well, we are on a trial separation, and I was under the impression that he needed space to work out what is important to him.
and what he gets up to with her IS important. he was mucking around behind my back. and now instead of sorting his head out, he is still hanging out with her and wouldnt rule out a relatiomship with her. sorry if I cannot remain friends with someone who obviously doesnt respect me. I am sure that if the roles were reversed, he would never speak to me again.
he wants us to remain friends, but I think he is being unreasonable if he thinks I can just shut everything off and stay friends after what we have recently gone through. maybe eventually, but certainly not yet.
but of course I will be civil to him. Its not like I am going to ignore him in front of ds. But I will not be there for him as a friend.

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LazyLinePainterJane · 07/06/2008 09:54

Well if he can't even be completely honest with you now, after everything......that's the first step isn't it? It has to be. Sorry ratbunny

QuintessentialShadows · 07/06/2008 10:14

Sorry to be so blunt Ratbunny, he has already chosen, hasnt he? He has chosen her. He has moved out, and he stays friendly with her. I know that hurts, but you have move on.

You have no responsibility to him and his feelings. You have a responsibility to yourself and your children. The best thing you can do to yourself is to admit your relationship is over and move on. If you are married, see a solicitor and make sure you secure your assets. It is not a trial separation any more if he has moved out and admits he is seeking another relationship, even if it is short term.

littlewoman · 07/06/2008 12:21

Agree with QS. I'm sorry ratbunny. He wants his cake and eat it. You do not have to respect or be friends with this person, as his behaviour towards you is neither respectful or friendly, now is it?

littlewoman · 07/06/2008 12:22

Think he wants you as a security blanket, incase he finds out this OW isn't worth having after all. He wants to know you're going to be there to catch him if he falls.

scanner · 07/06/2008 12:29

Radbunny, how about you look at it from a different perspective? Rather than it all being about him, perhaps it should be about you. You've said v clearly that you won't trust him and that actually you're doing a good job of moving on. I'd say from an outsiders point of view that you'd do well to tell yourself that YOU don't want to be with him and concentrating on the rest of your life. Including the postie .

There will be times/days when you hanker after dh, but tell yourself that's normall after years of being together.

Forget him as your romantic partner and start to see him as ds's son.

Fwiw, the fact that he's not prepared to reassure you that they aren't in touch tells you that they are. If he'd cut her off, he wouldn't think twice about telling you that.

Btw, you sound like your doing well.

fawkeoff · 07/06/2008 12:42

ratbunny ((((hugs))))

It's hard because after all these years of being with him, he feels like a stranger, and everything you had together just seems like a farce.

My advice to you would be to stop being his friend on facebook, and sort your privacy settings out.

I am going through a break up right now, and even though it is amicable and no one else was involved it is still sad,

and scanner has made a very valid point :

stop seeing him as your dp, but as your sons father.....he has the make or break situation of whether he is going to be there for him or let him down as well.....stop being so attentive to his needs and think about YOU x I really hope you will be ok

[email protected]:

if you ever want a chat just email me

jasper · 07/06/2008 12:52

Ratbunny I get it now, thanks.
I think you have an admirable and mature attitude.

If he is involved with someone else,
Civil , yes.
Friends, no.

ALl the others' advice about focussing on YOU is spot on.

Think about what makes you happy and do it.

Original poster

ratbunny · 07/06/2008 17:31

thanks everyone.
I really do feel like I am moving on.
I think I always thought - yeah this is a trial separation, and perhaps our relationship is repareable - but I needed to know what was going on in his head.
And now I do, I KNOW I will never get back with him. I am enjoying my single life - we went out today, and there was no fighting to get him to leave the house when the rest of us are ready / fighting to get him to spend time with US instead of taking photographs of everything else / getting him to acknowledge ds's needs (ie knwoing when its time to leave and come back home!)
It was the friendship thing that bugged me. He wanted to be friends (as someone posted - having me as a fallback), but there is no way I can be friends with someone who has disrespected me so much. It is only because he is ds's dad that I will give him the time of day.
He is also off my facebook.
btw, while snooping last week, I discovered a really cheesey poem ow wrote him. I am wondering about posting it somewhere - it does make a direct reference to me in it....

OP posts:

Original poster

ratbunny · 07/06/2008 17:33

and yes, I do accept (and welcome) that our relationship is over. I deserve someone SO much better. I only hope that one day he regrets what he has done, and that I can turn around and say - too late. That would be satisfying.

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littlewoman · 07/06/2008 18:27

Ratbunny, I'm angry for you about her poem. I would have been spitting feathers in fury. One day he will regret it, I can promise you that. Almost all of them try to come home. for you that all this happened at all though.

Original poster

ratbunny · 07/06/2008 18:36

funny thing is - I told him I had been snooping, but he still hasnt changed his password. So I might break into his email and use his email to forward it to everyone at their work lol.

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fawkeoff · 07/06/2008 18:40

lol you do whatever you think is going to make you feel better....i am so glad you are being strong x he is the one who is going to regret this, just be glad you dont have to waste anymore years with him x x x

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