Child arrangements order

[lifeofasinglewoman]

Hi,

So me and my ex partner have come to an agreement when it comes to our child’s contact arrangements, he has said he wants to have our child’s Friday to Sunday every other weekend, I have asked him about half terms, holidays, Christmas’s, birthdays etc and he has said we can sort this out between us at the time. Now my solicitor has asked a series of questions in regards to extra contact and I have asked him and he just says we can sort this between us 🤷🏼‍♀️ will the judge just take this? I have asked him about alternative birthdays and Christmas etc and about holidays and half terms but he just said we can sort it between us, also when he starts work again he said he wont be able to commit to having our child more due to having to work and that’s why he has said every other Friday to Sunday as that’s what he can commit too otherwise he won’t be employed by someone if he has limited working days he can do.

Is this going to be acceptable in court In two weeks? I mean I have asked him and I’ve not lied or anything he’s the one saying he can only commit to Friday to Sunday every other weekend?

Im just worried the judge will not accept this and if honest I want this to be the final court case because i don’t want to have to attend more hearings in the future. I mean it’s what the ex wants contact wise and I am agreeing to it? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thing is in some respect I can take back control of my life as I haven’t really had it the last two years, it if I keep to what he wants because that’s what he has asked then if he wants to have her more if I’m busy or have made plans the answer is no, he likes to do things to where he will ask for her the day before and stuff and when I’ve said no in the past because I have already planned a day out or something he then throws in my face that I am stopping him seeing her at least with this min amount of contact I have some what control of it and he can’t keep messing me about when it comes to having her, the reason he don’t want a living with is because he wants to continue to just turn up at my home, message me and have to make some sort of communication up at least with the time he has asked for I can give him straight and blunt answers and then ignore him if that makes sense.

I'm not disagreeing but you can't leave school holidays etc open they need to be part of the order

She’s not at school at the moment she’s 2 and half. He won’t come to an agreement about that I’ve asked him about it all just says we can agree between ourselves. I don’t know what to do when it comes to that bit. He’s told me before he won’t take holiday of work to have her for a week etc so I doubt he will contact having her through half terms and holidays.

So let him say that to the judge. You need to be specific about Xmas etc so it's clear he can't just turn up, a lots of nursery close during school holidays so it's worth been really clear

Absolutely make orders, whether he then sticks to them or not is a different matter. Have birthdays, Christmas, school holidays etc put in, that it’s alternating years, unless one party is unable to, and the the right to time goes to the other parent (you) because otherwise the ‘see how it goes’ means I will get what I want, when I want, and you’ll accomodate this as we agreed we’d be flexible…….. you can choose to be flexible when the order is in place, absolutely, but I would never trust so more one to be fair when they didn’t have to be

But what if I say that I am happy to arrange alternative contact between us but if I have arrangements and things already planned in advance and cannot make her available then the answer will be no. I will also take into account that I have other children and cannot just stop plans or things because he has decided he wants to see have her.

The nursery she is at is open all year round which is good, he’s even refused to pick her up from nursery on a Thursday because it’s too far and he has to walk or get a bus yet he wanted her to go to that nursery.

This is what I thought, how can he go for full custody when he’s told me he can only commit to Friday to Sundays because of potential employment even if he wanted 50/50 it wouldn’t work either because he constantly says he has to work 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, ignore his threats and make sure you go to court with a full proposal or the judge will make decisions for you. You don't need him to agree, you need the judge to approve it. If he then breaks the order then it can go back to the judge. Stop letting him control you

He can't. And assuming she's lived with you for a long period of time no judge will agree to remove her from you especially when that's not what he actually wants. What stage of the proceedings are you in? Have you had a section 7? How many hearings? Is the upcoming one a DRH? You absolutely must have all details specified in the CAO but you don't really need the lives with element if it's set out when she's supposed to be with each of you.

@Hayley1256 Unfortunately if a CAO is not adhered to there is not much you can do in reality as going back to court is prohibitively expensive and can take months, if not years.
He is well within his rights to ask for 50/50 and courts appear to like that option

Why would the court award 50/50 when he's not asking for it?

@TheBlueHotel That is why I said if he asks for it. If not of course it won't be.

Hi OP. I've got 1st hand experience with this. I would ask the judge to include 3 weeks of the school holidays per year. 2 weeks in August and 1 week at Christmas and you rotate Xmas each year. I wouldn't bother with the birthdays its not as essential. Request that dad has to email you the dates by end of April what weeks he wants to do in August. Set times too OP times on Friday collection and Sunday drop off.

Make notes be prepared that dad gets paid annual leave the same as you do and he needs to plan and organise. I had to go back to court twice to sort this out.

I do all inset days/sick days and birthdays but I know that DC dad will do 3 weeks per year on top of EOW.

If OP could "just sort it out" she would do. Obviously she can't. I had the same awkward ex! I now have no issues at all with our CAO.

Absolutely

Remember that even with a court order, he can't be forced to have DC at the scheduled time.

With this in mind I'd make sure you set out exactly what YOU want - eg 2 weeks together in the summer holidays, 1 week at Easter, alternating half terms, set arrangements for birthdays, Christmas, mother's day etc. That way you get the time that's important to you.

I suspect he won't have DC nearly as much as he is currently suggesting, but if you stipulate what arrangements you want then he can't argue about you booking holidays etc over his weekends in summer/Easter/half terms.

This is the first hearing dispute resolution, I’ve also got a cafcass report from my end, they tried to ring h twice and emailed and haven’t had a response so I don’t know what happens there? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was thinking of the alternative Christmas’s for sure. Just needed some advice as to what to put in it because he’s not giving me anything and keeps saying we can sort it and ‘i don’t need a judge telling when and what times I can see my daughter’ again his words.

This is very true! Thank you 🙌🏻

It’s extremely draining isn’t it? Thing is I know he doesn’t want to do it through court because he wants to be able to have her when he wants and stuff but I can’t live like that because I also have other children and cannot plan stuff with them because if I do I get the your trying stop me seeing her and stuff when that’s really not the case as I’m not like that.

me I just needed advice about what to do because of the answers he’s given me when I’ve asked him it’s just awkwardness really, but then on the other hand I don’t want the judge thinking I’m being controlling or whatever if that makes sense when really I just want this sorted so we can both move forward.

The thing is because of how my ex is, this is something he would say just because he hasn’t got full custody. 50/50 wouldn’t work because of my other children, school runs, appointments and my life being generally busy all the time. I believe he said full custody before because he tried to stop me taking her abroad and because the judge said he was allowing me that’s when he said I’m going for full custody straight after without actually thinking about it properly. Just think it was said in spite of honest.

Sorry forgot to add that she has lived with me the whole time, plus she has siblings here too.

It is draining. Hopefully you sort it out in 1 hearing. Do update us OP.

Absolutely men don't want to be held accountable to set days. Just think you will never see the judge again, I dont think its controlling or unreasonable to request a few scheduled weeks in a year. I know you said your DC is nursery age. It's tough covering 13 weeks school holidays you only want a few weeks outlining. It's a common request. I hope all goes well for you.

That’s what I’m trying to do stop this control because it’s not fair on my other children and myself, that’s why I went for a living with order as he kept threatening me, but in reality this child arrangements order is what is best going forward for our daughter, my other children and myself. It stops this chaotic crap where he has her then doesn’t then changes his mind then times etc.

I will keep you updated, her nursery is open all year round which is good, I’m just needs things sorted now and things put in place to stop this control because I’ve had to deal with it the last 2 years.

thank you 🙏🏻