How do you cope with an ageing parent that you don't really like?

[Sonolanona]

Mum is nearly 80. Lives alone a few hours away from me, and has done since she divorced my Dad (he had affairs) when I was a teen. She is still independent (doesn't drive tho) but her personality is changing and she's becoming forgetful and frankly unpleasant.
She was a decent but never overly loving Mum , financially generous but never ever helped me with anything , from A level choices to child care.. I always had to be independent.
She has been very bitter about everything and everyone for well over 40 years because of my Dad (who is long since dead) and I have been the recipient of her long rants and woe is me ever since I was 16. Never to my much younger brother as 'he is sensitive and loved his Dad' (so did I!) She always favoured one of my children over the others, and now there are great grandchildren she favours one to the point the other is noticing : (brother is the golden child and so his child is of course)
I finally blew up with her last year after one very stressful visit and now she prefaces everything she says with ' Oh I know I mustn't offend you but....' She also likes to tell me ' You are just like your father..' (I assure you I am not!)

I KNOW she's old, I know her brain is deteriorating in some ways... her filter has gone, but I really struggle to be with her now. I WANT to be a good daughter and do the right things as her needs grow but half of me wants to shout ' You've had 40+ years to get over Dad and make a good life for yourself and instead you've just whinged and let it ruin your life'
I'm still working part time, and looking after my grandchildren half the week. I phone weekly and visit in school holidays for a day or so but that's all I can mentally manage.
I am dreading the future. She can't live with me, it would be unfair to both of us. I wish she was the Mum she was when I was tiny and she was happy, but she isn't.
How do I navigate the future?

I have no real advice but have similar with my own DM. She split from my stepdad 26+ years ago now (and they were only together 15 years) and she is still so bitter. She has spent the last 26 years ruining her own life with her bitterness and I can see she will be that way to the end. She also has a golden child and mainly has little interest in me or my children. Also dreading when she will become more dependent but I plan to let the golden child pick up the slack. I suggest you need to keep firm boundaries and try and emotionally distance yourself if you can. It's rubbish but it sounds like you have a very different relationship with your own children and grandchildren.

Get thee to the Elderly Parents board, where you will find your kindred spirits.

There is a “Difficult Elderly Parents I don’t really like” version of Ducks In A Row emerging over there, which is mostly based on

• setting up your boundaries up front; what you will/won’t do and knowing you don’t have to do what anyone else might be able to do
• sorting out POA
• realistic division of roles between siblings (or acceptance that other siblings are not going to be of any help at all)

It seems to be inevitable that every elderly parent ends up needing some help and intervention from their kids, but this absolutely does not run to her living with you.

So where is your brother now in all of this?
If she favours him and his children and grand children then I would leave him to be the proactive person in organising her care and welfare.
What ever you do won't be good enough and you have to protect your own mental health and welfare.

Fwiw my own Nana was the same. My mother did everything for her and used to get really upset that my Nana heaped all the praise on her brother. She expected nothing from him because he was " too busy" and if he did do a small thing for her then she heaped him with praise. But never thanked my mother for her daily care. Ironically my mother also displayed a lot of favouritism in her treatment of me and my siblings and amongst her grand children. I think, unfortunately, its common.

Ah thank you Olderbutwiser, I shall do that!
Tootiredtobeinspired... solidarity! Yes I have a VERY different relationship with my own four children... we are very close, even the ones living further away and my house is my grandchildren's second home :) I love being with them pretty much every day which makes it harder to really understand why my Mum isn't like that. I feel so guilty for not enjoying her company!

Even though my brother is the golden child (which doesn't bother me, he's a decent enough man and it's not his fault!) I suspect he will not want to take primary care of Mum either. We do both have POA for her sorted thankfully for when it's needed.

I'm going through a similar-but-different situation with my Dad. You need to accept they won't change, they won't be the parent you wanted or needed.

I spent a long time arguing with him in my head, becoming so angry at the situation. Took a lot of therapy and sadness to accept but they won't change.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

I would stay well away from her. Such types also have favourites (the golden child, itself a role not without price) and this is typical behaviour from a narcissist.

people from dysfunctional families end up
playing roles. You’re the scapegoat for all her inherent ills whilst your brother remains her golden child. It’s not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

And I would think long and hard now re the power of attorney for her. I would seriously reconsider being such to your mother.