Just had 2nd child and my mother’s being difficult

[FinallyPregnant2022]

I’ve never had a great relationship with my mother - she will never accept but there are personality/mental health issues which have never been addressed.
To paint a picture - she can be great, happy to help out with childcare etc adores my eldest child. What is more challenging is her endless comments which are rude/spiteful (she has 2 sisters which she doesn’t speak to due to petty arguments over the years).
Today she came round to meet my second child for the first time (her second grandchild).
She refused to hold him stating that ‘he was too small’ even though she had happily held onto DS1 just a few years earlier.
She then went onto tell my husband that she hates the name that we have chosen for him and went on to list reasons why.
I had comments about how ‘off colour’ I was looking (I am 4 days PP).
The final straw was then an attempt to take a series of family photos where she was too fat/too red/too ugly and she ended up deleting them all.
I was well and truly pissed off - she’s usually hard work but today I had zero patience with her.

God OP she sounds like hard work. What did you husband say when she said she didn’t like the name?

He is actually amazing at ‘putting her in her place’ and doesn’t take anything she says personally, if something he finds her lack of social tact entertaining - its me that gets incredibly pissed off.
I think his response was something like ‘well everyone else do - we’ve had loads of compliments’ to which she replied firmly with ‘well I don’t’…….for the record we’ve gone with something standard and sensible.

Well, how fortunate for you that it doesn't matter that she doesn't like it, and how unfortunate for her. Sounds like she's got a bad case of 'want to make it all about me itis'. . .

I found with my mother (and this is truly a joyful memory of mine) that when I very firmly ignored my mother's tantrum, pretending that she wasn't throwing one, and if anything I was finding her a little bit entertaining and very silly, she actually found her way out of her little sulk, and into behaving like a halfway normal grown up. It took a few hours, but she got there. . .

Nice to hear that this happens to other people too! She’s in her 60s I can’t believe how childish she is

Wait until she's in her eighties, there'll be no stopping her. . . some people don't grow up, per se, they just grow older. . .

You merely calling her hard work is you downplaying how awful your mother is. You’re likely to be afraid of her on some level too as well as feeling obligated to her.

Have nothing more to do with your disordered of thinking mother. You would not tolerate this from a friend so stop tolerating it from her. I suppose you still hope on some level she will finally apologise and or accept full responsibility for her actions but that never happens.

She may have helped you re childcare but really and truly this is not an emotionally safe enough person for your kids to be around. She’s already been favouring your eldest over your youngest child and treats them both very differently.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed. It won’t do your kids any favours either to be around someone like your mother.

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Thank goodness your h is truly in your side and takes no crap from her. Use him to support you and present a united front. Honestly OP your mother is not worth bothering about or with. She is a nasty narcissist who wants to make it all about her and it’s not your fault she is the ways she is.

You do not mention your dad here. Is he still in your life?.

@AttilaTheMeerkatthanks for the book recommendation - really good idea I think it would help me.
as for my dad - parents separated when I was very young so haven’t done much with him over the years and the relationship has dwindled.