I just needed a space to talk about this, as my lovely husband has listened to me enough, and it’s still taking up too much space in my head and heart. Or is it?
I’ve known my oldest friend, let’s call them B, since we were at school. Friends all through school, kept in touch over uni and beyond, was in my wedding party, as I was hers, there for births and birthdays for over 20 years.
Our connection has always been great, and whenever we see each other, it’s always lovely to catch up. However, over the years, she’s become more and more distant, slower to respond to messages, and we see each other perhaps twice a year at most. I have other groups ot friends, and individual closer friends who I love spending time with, so it’s not as if all my eggs are in one friendship basket - but she still means an awful lot to me. We grew up together, in many ways.
She’s a wonderful person, kind, gentle, thinks of others - which is why I find it so upsetting that she’s so shit at replying to messages, arranging meet ups, just being there! We live close enough together, so that’s not the issue. She does have a busy and demanding job, and family like - but so do I! As do most of us…
Last year, I suffered a sudden loss, a month or so before a big birthday. I was then ill in bed for my birthday week. We’d previously discussed going for dinner to celebrate and I sent her a message asking if we could book something in, as I’d had a shit time of it, and would love to see her to cheer me up.
She didn’t reply for nearly two months. I was so hurt. When we did eventually meet up (I have to admit, I pushed her lower on my priority list for a while) she was apologetic. I gently told her how sad it made me that she let me down, and that I wished we were closer. It seemed to come as a shock when I said that she wasn’t the person I would come to if I needed support.
Sadly, this year I lost a pregnancy at four months. She neither knew I was pregnant or that I miscarried. That’s how distant she’s become in my life.
But I still can’t let go of the friendship or the feeling that I should be ‘fixing’ it. I feel guilty that I’m not doing more, or messaging her, even when I was the last person to send one. It seems like such a lot to lose - so much history.
The last message was an attempt to meet up, once again before my birthday. She never got back to me about the date we discussed, and she forgot my birthday too.
So I’m resentful. I have friends who are active in my life, who check in with me in the same way I do for them. But I know she’s a good person. I think she’d be sad to lose me for good.
I believe you should commit to your friendships, and treat these special people as you expect to be treated. But that’s just not what’s happening here.
So sorry that this is so long. What would you do?