He's leaving the country

[Popandhop]

Really struggling this week!

So BD was 10th July and the first 2 weeks were the hardest. The grief and the fear were overwhelming, but then something happened(with the help and advice i received on here) I realised I was going to be ok.

Ive had to sort mediation, i had to sort the finances, i sort the divorce application. I never wanted this seperation however i have had to be the one to iniate every practical step towords divorcing.

Ive started enjoying being alone with the kids, Ive come to terms with being a single mum and over the past 3months I have been able to find joy and happiness in my life, silly things like reconnecting with old friends, redecorating the house to make it my own little sanctuary, seeing a glimpse at the old me.

But this week he sprang more news on me, hes leaving the country he wants to be able to take the children with him during school holidays and them live with me during term time.

Im now grieving another loss but this time for my children. Since he left they have been able to see him whenever they please, they are teenagers so have that freedom to just pop out and say hi!

But now thats going to be lost, they lose their dad all over again.

Despite everything thats happened between me and him, I cannot fault him as a Dad, as a husband and a dad he had always been present, hands on and helpful would do anything for the kids has always been amazing with them. And it hurts to think now he really isnt going to be around for the important things like my eldest is year 11 and he wont get to see him off to prom or help him pick his outfit.

He see's leaving the country as last resort for him, he has expressed how much he doesn't want to but due to circumstances (consequnces of his own actions) he has ended up losing his job and now homeless, he can't rent anywhere without a job no landlord will touch him so he see's moving in with his mum the only option.

This really has set me back, so much so that I NEARLY offered him to stay on my sofa whilst he looks for work and is back on his feet. Was just a fleeting thought and I am glad I didn't.

If I had I don't know if he would have accepted it anyway, and although the offer would have been purely out of wanting to keep him in the kids lives and not reconcilliation if i had offered and he said no i know it would have felt like a whole new rejection.

Sorry for the long post, but I just needed to vent somewhere away from real life.

Oh, and final point - I'd also be very sceptical. You say that currently he's close so the kids can stop by etc. How much proactivity is from HIM? Because I suspect once he's out of sight, it will be out of mind for him and you will find he has 1000 excuses for why he can't have them at ALL this holiday etc etc etc.

You're not being selfish! You're being incredibly generous towards that self-centred, feckless, irresponsible chancer. Why should he have all the fun of the holidays while you have all the everyday work of term-time? Why should he call the shots, when he's the one leaving, and he's the one who can't hold down a job or a place to live? How is he going to help support them financially (as is his duty, legally as well as morally) when he plans to leave the job he's supposedly going to get abroad and return here unemployed again?

It really is time for you to start loving yourself a bit more.

Be very clear from the outset.. his relationship with his children is for him to manage... it is not for you to accomodate if he struggles to maintain it.
Your children will have opinions whether they want to be away from their home and friends at school holidays and christmas etc... and they should be listened to.
He will become less important to them if he is not regularly in their day to day lives and they will increasingly not be willing to change their plans to please him on an ad hoc basis...
If he leaves the country will he still be financially supporting them? He is only part of the picture and doesnt get to dictate to everyone else.

@JadziaD
Bit of a back story to answer some of your points espically MH so you can see where he is head space wise:

We were together 17 years married for 10 and we had just managed to get out of rental and buy our "forever home" 3 months before he left, in that 3 months we ripped out the kitchen and replaced it, we were so proud of how it looked and he seemed generally excited on starting the next project and kept throwing out ideas on how to make the house a home. When out of the blue he says I don't have feelings for you and left.

1 month after leaving he was sacked from his job, he has always been a hard worker and had worked for the company for many years so this came as a massive shock to me. I have no idea why he lost his job but i imagine this is going to make it so much harder for him to find a new one.

The day he left he went to stay with his dad, who lives walking distance from where i am, for what ever reason,recently they have ended up having a a huge falling out and his dad kicked him out.

So he has been staying in hotel, funds are running out so thats why he is going to his mums.

Benefits wise all he can get is jobseekers which isnt enough to house him. He applied for different jobs but was unsuccesful however had on off work through agencies.

He hasn't mentioned MH and im not going to ask and allow him that as an excuse however his life seems to be spiralling.

Its been one bombshell after another and so far not the most expected one of OW.

Sorry, I thought you said there were MH issues. Hence my rant!

The job and fall out with his dad is deeply suspicious though. Suggests he has done or is being accused of something. Was he fired outright or made redundant? It's very difficult to fire someone without a really good reason so that makes me deeply suspicious and yes, if he was fired, it will be difficult to get a new job. I suspect his dad knows what happened and is angry with him, hence the fall out.

@JadziaD yes he was fired, but he had still been staying with his dad for nearly 2months after job loss and fall out.

Its all very bizzare.
April we buy house
July he leaves
August gets fired (on our 11year wedding anniversary of all days)
October Falls out with dad, ends up homeless, do moving to his mum

Ive started the ball rolling on divorce/mediation he has said he doesn't want a divorce just seperation. Like why? You don't want the relationship whats the point staying married?

Well done for not offering your sofa to him! I would be very careful especially as I don't think you have named the country where he's going (could be wrong but I think I read all your posts). Is there is a risk he could keep the kids in his country and then you can't get them back?

I'd honestly make him to through the courts for access so it can all be agreed formally. And no he doesn't get all holidays! And he has to pay support too! No way you should let him off that.

So he's left you high and dry to cover the new mortgage? While currently at least retaining half the ownership?

You need a legal separation agreement that recognises that you are taking on all the financial commitments and that will be recognised in the % of the house you are entitled to on divorce.
In your shoes, if he is not paying any support and maintenance and you've been in the house for all of 5 mins then I would ring fence 50% of the deposit which he will get back when the house is sold [unless in negative equity] or you buy him out on, and the house is signed over to you. You need to see a lawyer.

As for the holidays. I'd simply go with that sounds nice for now. Your teens are not going to want to spend every holiday away from their friends so there is no point in having a battle about it. Moreover I highly doubt he is going to pay for their flights so it's a problem that will resolve itself in due course. My only concern is whether he is from a country that represents risk culturally or other to your children. I would baulk at sending a daughter to a country where child marriage is a risk. Sons too if that's a risk. Similarly lots of places are high risk for kidnappings and war.

How's he going to pay for them to get to where he is on holidays?

Because if he moves, he pays for their transportation there and back. He also does not get all holidays. That's a jerk move.

His plan sounds like a pile of flakey bullshit and more like he's abandoning you. Has he mentioned paying child support? Or paying for their tickets to visit him? Where are they going to stay during visits?

Get that divorce moving fast. He sounds shady AF.

Are you supposed to buy him out of the house? You need to see a lawyer.

If he gets a job in the other country, will he take the entire Summer/other hols off to entertain his kids? If not what to the kids do? Will he pay for their travel?

I'm sure he hasn't thought this through at all.

I'd let him figure it out and get back to you. He is not the great Dad you think he is judging by your posts.

My ex threatened for years he was going to move to Australia and never see the kids again

16 years later he's still in the same shit job, lives in the same dead-end town and still doesn't see the kids

Think about it op - where's is he gonna go?

Reading these replies has made me realise you don't noticed how terrible someone is acting/treating you until your explaining it to someone else trying to justify their actions.

Now another meeting with solicitor bumping up the costs, but proper legal advice is definatly going to be worth every penny.