Ending it when things are ok

[Travelbug3]

Things with DP have been up and down but currently going through a patch where he is being more thoughtful and no arguments etc. Unfortunately I just feel very unhappy and I think I have realised that we want different things from life long term (which is partly what causes the arguments).
I know that when I say this he will be blindsided and try to talk me into staying but I worry I will be here again in a years time thinking about leaving. Though the other part of me worries I'll regret leaving and end up alone forever. I don't think he seems to think I am the one either but is happy to bumble along. Any idea how to have this conversation and not being talked round to staying?

If you ended up alone, would it be the worst thing in the world?

If you woke up on 27th October 2026 in the exact same situation, feeling the exact same way - would you be disappointed in yourself?

Even if you get talked into staying, you'll still end up leaving, even if its a few years later. So you might aswell save you both some time and leave now 😅

I doubt you'll be alone forever

Yes, I'm already disappointed in myself for staying as long as I have even though I do feel love for him

If you've been unhappy for a longish time, I think you're definitely right to consider ending the relationship.
What's your biggest fear about it - being alone, or missing the actual relationship?

I think my fear is missing the relationship as it's been my life for such a long time and finding the thought of never speaking to him very difficult even though he has caused me a lot of upset over the years. If that makes any sense.

I once ended a relationship with someone because of clutter.
I thought maybe i can deal with this no i couldn't because the moment i said to my self i cant live like this i knew it was over.
I loved him but i was not in love with him.
Been much happier living on my own.

You just tell him you both want different things long term and it's best for both of you to split.

It will be hard for a while if you're used to being part of a couple for a couple of decades, but you adapt in hopefully healthy ways.

You're already unhappy and this relationship isn't helping you get what you want for your life. Why keep on doing the same thing when it's holding you back from your goals?

Just sitting trying to talk myself up to bring it up as I know I need to, just feels really terrifying

It took me three years to do it because things were ok and although we weren’t in love we got along kinda fine.

We separated and I immediately met the most perfect person for me, and I couldn’t be happier than I am now.

You really only get to live one life, why not make it truly happy instead of just meh, for the sake of one difficult conversation.

Better to go alone than badly accompanied

Hey OP 👋..
Gone upto bed for myself early , cup of coffee & my Mumsnet listening to the wind & rain outside..
Reading your post & feeling bad for you , you sound kind,, & you hate hurting his feelings..
It must be a difficult conversation to have , but if you’re not happy you’re not happy , you like him at the same time & you will miss his company ..
Thing is you sound conflicted to me, some things you say , you sound like you 💯 want to leave, & then more things you say , like you feel love for him , you will find it really difficult not being able to talk to him again , I don’t know OP , those 2 voices in our head when we’re unsure of a decision I guess ..
It sucks ..
I don’t think I’m being much help at all ! ..
Just wanted to say hello, & you can always come on here to chat x

It IS terrifying - until you say it. Until then it just lodges in you and becomes a Big Unsayable Thing.

He may surprise you; my husband did, by agreeing that we had basically run our course, and we’ve been able to sell the house and move on very amicably indeed.

You’re very far down the road of knowing what you want; the saying it is the worst part, I promise.

Brilliant advice.

Some people are ok with living with 'just ok' their whole lives (or say they are and would prefer not to rock the boat). But I don't know of a single person who rocked the boat and regretted it later - life is far too short, imagine what else could be out there for the both of you. I could be on a second marriage, living in Cumbria with a couple of dogs now... I'm not, because it would have been settling, which wouldn't have been good for either of us. Don't settle - this elephant won't leave the room.

Thanks all - I am so far gone that I feel I am leaving a life that I love but also know is not going to be my life, if that makes sense. Just really really hard and one part wants to blurt it out but the other is scared. I know that I've got to my breaking point and time to go. I mean things have been so bad that my mum has told me her worst nightmare is that I marry him ( and I 100% know she has my best interests at heart). I really appreciate the advice it is so so helpful x

Honestly (and dishonestly!) I've done It's not you, it's me so many times! I reckon they're going to tell themselves and their friends it was me anyway, so no harm done.

I'm having doubts about everything in my life, it's a cliché but I need to 'find myself'.
We're incompatible. There's nothing wrong with you, I love lots of things about you, but the way we think is just so different.
I'm going travelling. Open-ended.
I try to keep a lid on it, but I'm annoyed by everything! You don't deserve this, it's me not you, but it's best to end it before I make your life a misery.
I want to be single. It's not you especially, I've just realised I'm not ready to be with anyone.
I've met someone. I'm so sorry.
You know you've told me I'm too sensitive/mistrustful/uptight/whatever? You're right. I've started therapy and it's opened a giant can of worms. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better, if it ever does. I need to do this alone.

You can go as melodramatic as you like. Best if there's some element of truth to it, and you'll be aware there are always reasons. The point is that, if it's some internal issue of yours, he can't promise to change or to get through it together. He can tell his mates you're a flake, they'll all say he's better off out of that, and you can go your own sweet way.

Send him a letter first

But there are lots of that life that you don't love... imagine how much better it could be if those 'not love' bits were to go... the exhaustion, the responsibility for stuff that shouldn't all be on your shoulders... yes it's hard. When I got married, before I walked down the aisle my dad said to me: "You know you don't have to do this." How much do I wish I had listened... I was 26... he was bloody right.

I stayed too long because of the kind of feelings you’re talking about. I stayed so long that he gave me good reasons to leave in the end. But truthfully, I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her ‘nobody owes anyone their whole life.’ There is no loyalty, generosity or concern that should amount to that.

Really appreciate the advice. I need to just rip the band is off tomorrow - I really know it's the right things it's just difficult to go through it. Appreciate the advice and perspective so much

Can you tell us what your mum meant by that?

You’ll be ok @Travelbug3🖤🖤

This is exactly what is happening with me right now. Can I ask a separate question (I can start my own thread if needed) but did anyone here face questions from others as to why they didn’t explore relationship/marriage counselling before separating? We are really confident in our decision but a few people are trying to persuade us to have counselling and in fairness making good points but we absolutely KNOW this is over. But it is amicable and I wonder whether that makes friends/family question if we’re doing the light thing or not?!

@temproastedmy family were initially incredibly opposed and did not hold back from letting me know they disapproved. I found it very difficult.

Thing is, it’s like falling in love - when you know you’re not right for each other, you can’t un-know it. Nobody else knows quite what your life is like behind closed doors so their opinion is neither useful nor welcome, as far as I’m concerned.