Abandoned By My Husband

DesperateMum1990 · 2025-10-27T09:15:16+00:00

I got married last year, and we found out i was expecting our son, 2 weeks later. My husband was aware I suffered severe mental health, ending up with Psychosis and in a mother and baby unit with my last child. During this pregnancy, I suffered HG from start to end. My husband had little empathy and expected me to continue buisness as usual. I emotionally shut down, as he was so unsupportive, i became critical of most things he did. I felt so alone. During pregnancy, he cheated, constantly lied, he moved out several times to his parents, who absolutely hate me. I was under the perinatal mental health team from my 12 week scan. Depressed and barely able to get out of bed some days. He opted out of paternity leave, stating the impact on his new job. The night before I gave birth, he threatened to leave, if my dad temporarily moved in to support. As a result, I had to go on the school run 5 days after a c-section. I was so exhausted on week 4 post birth and I passed out on the school run. Dropping baby. Baby ending up in hospital. My mental health nosedived further - and during a mental health episode i told nurses about feeling emotionally abused and what my husband describes as non-consentual sex incident. He was arrested, bailed but the following day I spoke to police and they dropped the investigation as the disclosure was due to my mental health crisis. Ive not heard from my husband since (nearly 3 weeks). His parents told me to not message him. I'm completely broken. Ive lost everything and just want my husband and family back. Im having daily mental health visits and caring for 3 kids alone. Im distraught so much i ended up having a mental capacity assessment, as i turned down a mother and baby mental health unit. Hes blocked me on social media, hes blocked my number, he wont respond to my emails. I dont know what to do. How do I even get better on my own, when I dont even have time to shower? I just want him home

DaisyDoodler · 27/10/2025 09:19

Sorry OP but I don’t think it would be wise for him to come home. What you’ve accused him of (albeit later retracted) is hugely serious. If true then you are better off without him, and if untrue then your relationship is unhealthy anyway or why would you even make allegations like that. I think your best way forward is to concentrate on yourself and your kids now. Get yourself well for them and let go of this toxic relationship.

postpartum psychosis is terrible - my SIL suffered with it and it also led to the breakdown of her marriage but you need support for you and your kids most of all right now. Never lose sight of that.

smallsilvercloud · 27/10/2025 09:22

I think for your own good, you need to break away from this man, it’s a toxic relationship which isn’t doing you are children any good by staying. You need to get better first then you’ll realise it’s really the best and only option.
You have your dad supporting you which is great, you’re not alone, you can do it.

Imfat · 27/10/2025 09:23

I don't want to read and not say anything.
First thing is to tell the health visitor that you need support. You can get through this with help.
You mention your dad is he still able to support you.
It's getting you back to a good place first. If you're not doing well everything seems to be like a mountain.
For now concentrate on you and your children.

Original poster

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 09:26

@DaisyDoodler - he actually admitted to non-consentual sex, he said he wanted to prove he could at the time, as he suffers ED. He also admitted that he contributed to my mental health by gaslighting me, lying and being controlling. He wrote all this in a letter days after I gave birth. I read it everyday and it pushed me over the edge - as i spent the last 6 months thinking it was all in my head. He agreed to get help to change. During my mental health episode in hospital I completely broke down and was hysterical. It wasnt as much an accusation but a complete breakdown after being in barely survivial mode for months.

OP posts:

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 27/10/2025 09:29

As a starter claim cms. Less money worries will be helpful.
Can you use some cash to find a babysitter to give you a break. Even if you are at home and resting.. I feel for you op. My exh raped me too. Tried to have me booked in to a mh facility for a break. Really he was trying to steal my dc. And our dc.

Original poster

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 09:32

@Whereismyfleeceblanket - I always thought he was pushing me to breaking point to take my son. But he's disappeared from all our lives over night - so maybe I was wrong.b

I made a CMS claim and although he has an open claim with his ex wife... they claim they cant find him. It's complete bollocks - I gave them his email, his address, his workplace, even his NI number!

OP posts:

Original poster

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 09:33

@Imfat - my health visitor is amazing. She visits weekly and is always an ear at the end of the phone! I am so grateful for her and the mental health team

OP posts:

DaisyDoodler · 27/10/2025 09:44

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 09:26

@DaisyDoodler - he actually admitted to non-consentual sex, he said he wanted to prove he could at the time, as he suffers ED. He also admitted that he contributed to my mental health by gaslighting me, lying and being controlling. He wrote all this in a letter days after I gave birth. I read it everyday and it pushed me over the edge - as i spent the last 6 months thinking it was all in my head. He agreed to get help to change. During my mental health episode in hospital I completely broke down and was hysterical. It wasnt as much an accusation but a complete breakdown after being in barely survivial mode for months.

Edited

Then this tells you everything you need to know. You cannot be with a man who does this to you. This relationship is massively unhealthy and whilst you aren’t feeling in a great place right now, the best thing you need to get you out of that place is stability. This man isn’t going to give you that. Take all the support you can from health visitors, social services, family and friends but don’t expect any from him. Build yourself up and then he can’t knock you down.

puglover93 · 27/10/2025 09:53

Hi lovely, couldn’t read and run.
mental health wise, I have been exactly where you are; under perinatal team from early on, with severe MH issues, the only difference is I had a supportive partner. It is so so hard, and you are doing absolutely amazingly, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Take all the support you can get; you said your dad was going to move in before to offer support, could he do that now? I hope the perinatal team are sorting out medication, therapy and support too? I’m not sure where you are, but they were fantastic for me; always be honest with them and they will 100% be behind you.
in regards to your husband, he sounds absolutely awful. It’s easy to say but you are so much better off without him! He hasn’t supported you at all so he wouldn’t do it now. It doesn’t feel like it right now but you can and will get through this ❤️

Original poster

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 10:03

@puglover93 - I am so glad you got through it! It gives me some hope.

I think now I have robust professional support in place, if I could get him home - I wouldn't need to rely on him, so heavily for emotional support. The marriage broke the second I turned the weaker link and needed him, rather than me aways giving to him.

I'm just sad, I didnt have a baby or get married for it to end in this way. He has all the power and control still - despite how he treated me

OP posts:

QuickPeachPoet · 27/10/2025 10:09

The best place for him to be is as far away from you as possible! He doesn't give two hoots about you OP. You deserve way, way better than this, even if that means being by yourself and building a community with trusted friends. He sounds absolutely vile.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2025 10:10

Can your dad move in? Do your other kids see their dad?

BeeKee · 27/10/2025 10:14

Can you drop the 3 children off with him? Or your 2 older ones? I think he needs to start taking responsibility.

My DH left me when we had 2 under 2 and sited mental health. I dropped both children off to his parents, where he was staying, and said if he wanted to be single, I would support that choice, but he would be having the children full time, not me. His "mental health" improved pretty quickly and 3 days later he was home. Men are weak and pathetic.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 27/10/2025 10:33

Do not take this rapist back. You need to divorce him and claim child maintenance.

kittensinthekitchen · 27/10/2025 10:42

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 10:03

@puglover93 - I am so glad you got through it! It gives me some hope.

I think now I have robust professional support in place, if I could get him home - I wouldn't need to rely on him, so heavily for emotional support. The marriage broke the second I turned the weaker link and needed him, rather than me aways giving to him.

I'm just sad, I didnt have a baby or get married for it to end in this way. He has all the power and control still - despite how he treated me

If you reignite a relationship with someone that authorities have been informed is an abusive rapist, you risk not needing his (practical) support with the children as you will risk losing them.
That may sound blunt, but its where it is.

You do not need this terrible excuse for a man, I promise you. The best thing you can be doing is working with the support that is being offered to you, as a single parent, and hope that he never reappears.

He raped you. Thats what his "non consensual sex" 'incident' was.

vitalityvix · 27/10/2025 10:45

You don’t need him back, you just need support. Is the father of your older children in their lives? Perhaps he could have more overnights to give you some time. Is your DH having contact with the baby? Could this be arranged via his parents?

You shouldn’t be doing all of this on your own.

puglover93 · 27/10/2025 11:11

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 10:03

@puglover93 - I am so glad you got through it! It gives me some hope.

I think now I have robust professional support in place, if I could get him home - I wouldn't need to rely on him, so heavily for emotional support. The marriage broke the second I turned the weaker link and needed him, rather than me aways giving to him.

I'm just sad, I didnt have a baby or get married for it to end in this way. He has all the power and control still - despite how he treated me

Lovely, I will be blunt, if he comes back, your mental health will not get better. You need to feel safe, and supported emotionally, and he will never ever do that for you. Whilst he is not the cause of your mental health problem, he is certainly a trigger in making it worse.
You are worth so much more than this and so are your children. Please also reach out to a domestic abuse charity regarding the emotional abuse and the SA - they can support you through that side of things xxx

jonathanwoss · 27/10/2025 12:32

"He was arrested for non-cons,"

I do not want to sound like I am victim blaming but on your part, you find it necessary to report this matter so why want him back and a family if it was serious enough to report it? You have to cope on your own far from a toxic situation if you care to actually get better.

On his part, if you got him actually arrested and you feel like it was not that serious to get arrested, I would also never speak or see you again and deal with our co-parenting legally.For his sake and also your sake.

This is not an outcome you want but sadly, it is the best for your both.

jonathanwoss · 27/10/2025 12:36

BeeKee · 27/10/2025 10:14

Can you drop the 3 children off with him? Or your 2 older ones? I think he needs to start taking responsibility.

My DH left me when we had 2 under 2 and sited mental health. I dropped both children off to his parents, where he was staying, and said if he wanted to be single, I would support that choice, but he would be having the children full time, not me. His "mental health" improved pretty quickly and 3 days later he was home. Men are weak and pathetic.

They are not his kids from what the OP suggest, only the baby

Original poster

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 13:49

@jonathanwoss - im unclear what you're asking... are you saying non-consentual sex is absolutely fine in marriages? I didnt report it to the police, it was something I said during a mental health episode to nurses after burying it for months, as he agreed to do therapy (paid for by me) around his own control issues and self esteem.

FYI I find "you got him arrested" IS victim blaming because surely the behaviour ie. The act itself was what got him arrested. Something he admitted clear as day in messages and a letter to me. I didnt seek to pursue prosecution of the father of my child, who agreed to seek professional help for it. There would be NO winners to a prosecution.

OP posts:

Original poster

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 13:52

@vitalityvix - my ex said he can't have the older two more due to his work.

And for baby, he and his family wont communicate with me to arrange contact. Theyve gone radio silent. Ive done everything for the past 2 months since baby was born.

OP posts:

jonathanwoss · 27/10/2025 14:38

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 13:49

@jonathanwoss - im unclear what you're asking... are you saying non-consentual sex is absolutely fine in marriages? I didnt report it to the police, it was something I said during a mental health episode to nurses after burying it for months, as he agreed to do therapy (paid for by me) around his own control issues and self esteem.

FYI I find "you got him arrested" IS victim blaming because surely the behaviour ie. The act itself was what got him arrested. Something he admitted clear as day in messages and a letter to me. I didnt seek to pursue prosecution of the father of my child, who agreed to seek professional help for it. There would be NO winners to a prosecution.

Please do not twist my words, I did not and will never suggest any action is fine without consent regardless of marriage or not. You disclosing any sort of issue that resulted in an arrested originated with you after his horrible action so what did I say wrong?

Do look into Stockholm syndrome as I do not see why you would want this person around you after all this. That is literally my only point.

jonathanwoss · 27/10/2025 14:39

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 13:52

@vitalityvix - my ex said he can't have the older two more due to his work.

And for baby, he and his family wont communicate with me to arrange contact. Theyve gone radio silent. Ive done everything for the past 2 months since baby was born.

OP, the older two are also his?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 27/10/2025 23:01

DesperateMum1990 · 27/10/2025 13:49

@jonathanwoss - im unclear what you're asking... are you saying non-consentual sex is absolutely fine in marriages? I didnt report it to the police, it was something I said during a mental health episode to nurses after burying it for months, as he agreed to do therapy (paid for by me) around his own control issues and self esteem.

FYI I find "you got him arrested" IS victim blaming because surely the behaviour ie. The act itself was what got him arrested. Something he admitted clear as day in messages and a letter to me. I didnt seek to pursue prosecution of the father of my child, who agreed to seek professional help for it. There would be NO winners to a prosecution.

There would be two winners if he went to jail: your baby, because they'd not be having to visit a rapist, and you, because you'd not be on eggshells worrying about whether he'll contact you or turn up of whatever.