Hi, I am new here and English is not my first language. But I really need advice with this, hopefully from people who have been in a similar situation.
I (29, female) and my partner (30, male) have been together for 10 years, living together for 5. It is the first relationship for both of us. He said he wanted kids right from the beginning and I said, unsure/probably not. But we were so young we said it did not matter and both of our views could change over time. So let us just be together and be happy.
When we met, I was already ill. It was a mix of physical (pain related) and psychological things (childhood traume, depression) that had started when I was younger, but I was very hopeful that things could get better. Some things have gotten much better during the first 2-3 years of our relationship, but unfortunately, a lot of new, physical and chronic health issues have been added to my pile. It makes life very difficult. I was not able to finish my education (tried at Uni twice) and I live on disability at the moment. I am working very hard on myself, trying to figure myself out (because I feel I was not able to do that as much when I was younger and want to "chatch up") and navigating all the chronic pain, fatigue and other issues. I think I will have these problems in some capacity for the rest of my life. For my partner, life is going well and he is successful in his career and in sports.
Our relationship has been very good! Whenever we had any problems we worked through it together and despite all my difficulties I feel happier than ever in the relationship and with my life, even. In the last years we have gradually started to talk about kids again and here comes the problem.
My partner really wants kids and has a time frame of maybe 5 years max in mind. But I am on the no side at the moment. I never really wanted kids. But it is not that simple. In recent years I have come to realize, that I never even had the chance to actually think about it and really let myself consider the other option. I have always been ill. I cannot imagine what pregnancy would do to my poor body. So many things could go wrong! What if the baby is not healthy and needs special attention? I am not even sure if I can get pregnant (I have valid reasons to think that). What if I get my hopes up and then it turns out it is not possible? For my partner, adoption is not an option. I can not imagine that I would be able to pick up a 1 year old child and carry it around. I cannot even drive a car. I can barely take care of myself and I think I would not be able to look after a child without destroying myself even more. What if I pass on the trauma?
But in another life where I was not ill I see the possibility that I might actually love to have kids, especially with my partner who would be a great dad! And what if my health gets better and then I might start to want kids and regret if we decided to break up now. But I feel this huge pressure. I do not want to lead my partner on and promise something I do not really know if i can/want to do it. And now that I finally have the chance to really work on myself and my health I feel like that pressure would be in the way. I want to get better primarily for myself, not for him or a potential child. I think if I could I would get some sort of education first, maybe a degree (it does not cost a lot where I live). I would want to work and make sure I have money for retirement (I already have part of it covered, but it would be the absolute minimum. I want to be more financially secure when I am older, not less. I am already struggling now.) I do not see myself getting a degree just to become a stay at home mom right after. I do not see how I would be able to work and do childcare. I do not think that amount of health and fitness is possible for me.
We have talked about breaking up. In my head it makes sense to break up now. It is actually me, speaking with my brain, who even suggested the idea. But the thought of it is so incredibly painful. I feel physically sick thinking about it. I would lose my family, my home, everything would change! I do not even know where I would go. I can not imagine my life without him! He is very conflicted and he hurts a lot thinking about breaking up. He says he wants to think about it some more and see if he would be okay without kids. But looking at him, seeing him cry, seeing him hurt... I do not think he will be okay with this. I am not even sure if I would believe him if he said he was. But I also know that I should let him make his own decision. I think I am just afraid of the pressure.
I think the reason why I find it so difficult to find help from friends or from other peoples posts is that our case is kinda niche. We were together for so long! Other people write about how they broke up after 1 year. I do not think its comparable. And my chronic illness makes everything so complicated in that it makes it hard for me to figure out what I want and what will be possible 5 years down the road. I have not seen anyone talk about that. I really hope, I get some advice from. I do not know what to do and how to go forwards.
Please be nice, please be gentle.
Happy to answer some questions if you have any.