I need to change my life. I need help. I can’t do this on my own.
Its a very long story but i will keep it to the main points and try my best not to out myself.
- pakistani Heritage (important to know to understand cultural barriers)
- I have split with him twice in our 20plus year marriage (for about 2 years each time)
- both times the split has not happened quietly as he won’t leave . (police etc which has been traumatic for the kids) Social services involved due to the abuse.
- I have done domestic abuse course, short relationships course, Indian charity locally gave me weekly talk therapy which helped massively in giving me confidence to get a job and build some independence. I have spoken to far far too many people from all walks of life about my relationship. I no longer need validation to leave him.
- the struggle is the kids. We have lived substandard for more years than I will admit and I know this will further reduce if I leave him because the equity in my home is low and due to ill health I can’t work full time atm (I don’t claim UC and won’t for various reasons - I have got used to living on very little. I have thought about moving north for cheaper housing but since all the Reform, I’m worried I will swap one problem for another as I’m not familiar with which places will be affordable and have communities which will not have an issue if I move in next door.(!)
- he won’t go quietly. Social services after last case closed said if they got involved again,it would go straight to child protection. This has me just keeping silent and suffering for the sake of the kids.
- I am tired and can’t do this anymore. I give up easily. I have started to have breakdowns at work (just crying which might be peri but it usually after a difficult weekend , on a Monday) I can’t do this on my own. I work part time because of health issues.
- i often think about walking out , without the kids but I have nowhere to go.
- he is from back home (no it’s not religious it’s just him. He’s horrible. His brothers and many many others I know of are not like him. This is all him.
- he’s not that savvy . The house is in my name.
- i want to quietly slip away and never see him again. I have thought about doing a divorce online and doing his bit for him and he would never know. I can’t take any more resistance. ,
- anger , hate , . The second time we split almost broke me. I can’t do that again.
yes I effed up majorly accepting him back again. (There is a reason but it is extremely outing so won’t discuss on this thread) Please don’t derail this thread I can’t change the past. I need real workable solutions to get out quietly and for my kids not to suffer. The only way I can reduce that chance it is to slip away and I get the lion share of the house and work out where to move. Literally don’t know how where what. I can’t destabilise kids again. I need to get it right and it’s my last chance and it is that that has got me in freeze mode. Fear of getting it wrong and my Kids and I suffer again.
kids- one at uni, one in college, 1 secondary one primary.
please help. Tell me what to do and how to do it.
I can’t think anymore . I just keep going round and round in circles.
any advice sincerely appreciated. Many thanks .