just after some general advice. Have nobody in RL

[Foxxtrot]

Been married for 20+ years. up and downs. but mostly stable.

Two DSs in their teens with SN. One will always need looking after 24/7. The other will hopefully fly the nest (HF ASD with a host of MH issues). Both in special schools with EHCP. I am the primary carer and work around the DC. DH is the main breadwinner and was recently made redundant. He found work a few months back after a while out of work in another part of the UK and moved there as he struggled to find work locally. It's a good job, paid relatively well and good prospects. I stayed behind with our sons.

I find it incredibly difficult to work all week (though not full days), and be the sole carer for both DC. One of them has currently around 2-3 appointments with CAMHS and psychiatrist, the other one is violent and attacks me and the younger sibling at time, social services are involved because DS2 told school about the attacks from DS1 though SS services said there isn't much they can do, I just have a lost of dos and don'ts.(don't leave them alone at home, don't let them be in the same room). It's a just all really full on and I have no friends or family. You get the picture. DH comes home 1-2x a months for a long weekend. More isn't practically possible.

He now flouted that idea that we move all to his location (we are the South East, he is near Edinburgh) once DS2 has finished his GCSEs and he can do his A-levels (or the Scottish equivalent there).

I am really not sure this is a good idea for a number of reasons. DS2 would lose the EHCP and he want to do A levels (highers, advanced highers there). We would also lose the EHCP or DS1 but he is doing 'only' life skills at college and almost 20 anyways, and will never work. I am stressed about not finding a job there (I have been in my current job for 15 years and then give me shed loads of flexibility so I can combine extensive caring with employment). DS1 has severe autism and doesn't cope well with change and will go crazy if we try to move him from his current home. I worry we do not find a college for him, that I do not find a job and that I will be stuck on carers allowance only (DH earns well but I was always financially independent). But on the other hand, I really feel I cannot carry on long term here on my own as a de facto single parent + esp in the absence of any support network.

It's all probably a lot more complex than this post makes out but anyone with some thoughts on it? It may help me to look at it from different views, I feel stuck right now.

Sounds difficult for you on your own. Some questions I’d be pondering…
Is your marriage good enough so that he shares the needs of the children/ home and all the upheaval of moving would make your life easier?

Although children with ASD struggle hugely with change if you decide that’s what you want to do then you should do it as not going may lead to resentment towards your son.
So in a nutshell if it’s going to improve your quality of life and not be detrimental to your sons then I’d do it. They may have an opinion but it’s your and your husbands decision.

Also could you live in England still but up near the Scottish border so the EHCP is still valid?
House prices are probably cheaper in some areas further north so you may be able to work less?

I would move to join your husband and sort out practicalities as they come along.

thanks, moving near the Scottish border would be pointless as it's not near enough DH so I would still live alone plus the upheaval of moving and finding a new place. I'd rather stay put.

This sounds so tough @Foxxtrot

Moving your dc away from what they are familiar with, and their health care support services sounds like a massive undertaking. As you’re aware the Scottish education system is different to the English one and transitions happen at different ages so I’m not sure how easy the move to A level equivalents would be.

Is your DH job transferable to nearer home or as he gets established is there any possibility of some wfh time so that he can be with the 3 of you more?

Moving sounds like it would be potentially a good idea but that the timing needs to be thought through carefully.

Edinburgh and area is quite big and has quite a lot of jobs so unless you have very specific skills and work in a very specific industry you should be able to find something.

i would be having a conversation with your husband about the financial resources of the family going forward.

switching between the education systems at this sort of level is not going to be easy and as you say ehcps don’t transfer. I’d be less concerned about your older son as I’d expect Edinburgh and area to have life skills type classes.

i believe there are some schools in Edinburgh that do GCSEs/a levels for people coming in from the English system. Given that your youngest is in special school what would your expectations be for post gcse? Would you be looking at a mainstream sixth form with support? Most SEN specialist post 16 placements don’t do a levels.

the timing would be such that DS2 would finish his GCSEs here and we move then (for him to start highers). We would not interrupt GCSEs or A-levels but switch after KS4. plan (even if staying in England) would be mainstream for a-levels. There isn't really specialist provision for A-levels. It would have to be mainstream (but he would have the protection of an EHCP if we stay here). He is extremely bright.

To me the only answer is move.
It sounds really tough especially on your own, is DS2 is bright he will achieve wherever he takes the exams even if it’s a year late while he adjusts/you can get the equivalent support in place.
DS1 while upsetting in the short term surely the long term benefits of having both parents will out weigh this, even if he can’t understand that.

I think there are so many downsides to moving for you and DCs and the only reason to move is DH job, which is not guaranteed to last. Can’t he keep applying for jobs back in the south east? I know the market may be tough but presume there are opportunities in that area and he will find something if he persists. That would seem to make much more sense to me than uprooting your whole lives for one job.

Hi OP, my thoughts about the move are that you should absolutely not consider it until DH has tried much harder to get work (any reasonable work even if he has to change sector) in your existing area. There are too many risks and you having a flexible job in these circumstances is gold dust! I mean maybe he has tried hard, but a solution where he's paying out for a second lot if accommodation presumably, and can't offer any hands-on support, doesn't make sense financially or practically.

DS2 moving into the Scottish University system post A-levels would be a lot more likely to succeed, than moving him at 16 I think.

Could you ring the National Autistic Society and talk it through with someone on their helpline?

Finally, have you come across this charity? I was recommended them and found them quite good. As always, they have a waiting list. But you can do their online events right away.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/PVIKqF96zfkgz7jWF

There is no "equivalent support" to EHCP in Scotland though. You'd be taking such a risk.

Is the obvious (although not easy) solution for the next couple of years that DS1 lives with DH? As a pp said, "life skills" at college are going to be easier to transfer than to move an able child from one academic system to a totally different one (especially a child with mental health challenges). Health and social care are rather better funded in Scotland than in England. What opportunities are there round Edinburgh for e.g. supported living? What's the future plan here?

That would also separate the siblings, which you've been recommended to do. You can always re-evaluate when DS2 has his A-levels.

If you decide not to move, could you use some of your salary to fund support at home privately to make life easier for you?

It sounds like you can potentially afford it and that way you keep your independence

We are not well off enough to fund private support. Having two homes on the go is financially quite a big stretch and we are just about coping.

I am going to ring some advice lines for education re moving up north. I found Enquire. Are there other good ones?

The obvious solution would be if H could instead find a job nearer to you three, rather than you all move.

And you are right, that you almost certainly will never find a job you can fit around your caring responsibilities. So you will be entirely dependent on your H, which is not a strong position to be in.

Also, depending on where you live now, Edinburgh is cold. I lived there for over twenty years and loved it. But I live in SW now and it is so much warmer. I would never move back to Edinburgh. Lovely as it is, it is cold and windy there. I much prefer the climate here, and the different lifestyle I have due to the better climate.

DH tried for ages to find a job locally. He is mid 50s and his current job is really good with a fantastic pension scheme. It's very unlikely, he will find anything like that locally. I am over 50 too. I only work part time and the cost of maintaining 2 homes is slightly more than my current income. Just to put things into perspective. But it's my income and I like my job and to a large extend also my independence (even though I either work or care and cannot do anything independently). I cannot imagine finding employment ever again if I give that up. DS2 is very keen to move. DS1 won't understand it if I talk to him but he will struggle and, I worry, fall apart. Plan A is I live to 100 and we die around the same time. There is no plan B (supported living locally is very limited and not usually accessible as long as there is a family member around to do the heavy lifting instead).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/education/5432495-moving-after-gcses-from-england-to-scotland-for-a-levels-with-an-ehcp?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share