Taking a step back from being the organiser??!!! Anyone else?

[Fullon123]

Feeling a bit fed up with family life at the moment.
I'm sure some can relate, but I feel like I organise and do everything. Family days out? Me organising and booking. Getting the Christmas or Halloween decs out-me instigating and organising. Doing a family Christmas day out like a light walk or train ride- me organising and booking.
Trying to limit screen time for the kids-me trying to limit it and feeling like the bad parent as dh doesn't seam to care if they spend their lives on screens.
Trying to get the teen to revise-me trying to help and get them to do something. Spent ages trying to do PowerPoints to help him with some subjects but he's barely done any despite me nagging at him.
We've still got vouchers from Christmas that haven't been used fully eg cinema vouchers as I'm the only one who instigates going saying oh shall we go and see this film at the weekend , I'll book it for us.
Would I be totally unreasonable to just not do it anymore? We've not gone and got pumpkins to carve for Halloween yet as I thought I'd leave it and see if anyone instigated it and no,nobody has.
Has anyone else ever felt like this and decided right that's it in not doing it anymore.
I'm just done. Do I literally just stop and take a backseat and then wait for the moaning when it gets to Halloween and there's no pumpkins etc, or when it gets to Xmas and there's no family day out planned?
I have asked dh in the past to step up a bit more but he hasn't so I don't see the point in mentioning it again! Kids are 16 and 10 so old enough to express what they want.

Your post totally resonates with me. I ended up in A&E last Dec with muscle strain from carrying Christmas presents I kid you not! I usually organise all DHs family presents and then MIL has started giving me money to get and wrap my kids presents.

This year ive told DH he can organise his side and I'll be handing the kids the money MIL gives me. Its not my job to go around and buy eberyones Christmas presents just because they can't be bothered to.

Oh MY Gosh I could have written this post earlier this year. I’ve taken a MASSIVE step back from organising things… I won’t lie my marriage has suffered a bit because we don’t do anything together anymore…but DH is showing signs of thinking about stepping up there 😅 I laugh only so I don’t cry … in all honesty a lot of stuff has fallen away that actually wasn’t necessary… but it has created a bit of a vacuum and DH has stepped in in some ways … kids seem to be remarkably unaffected but have started commenting that DH doesn’t do anything he says he will … I’m deep in perimenopause so literally can’t be arsed with any of it and it’s up to him to have a relationship with them now. They are 9, 12 and 15. I still look after all the essentials like finances, earning my share of the money, clean tidy home, emotional support and healthy food. But beyond that it’s over to them!

Checking in here for the same. Victims of our own success though is the issue isn't it. If I step back chaos ensues and I find that wardrobe watch and it negatively affects me. How do we counter that?

Answering my own question, I have found some success in only organising things that I'm directly involved in so I dont have to watch the chaos. Also things that I really dont care about are no longer in my domain 😁

You need to read the book, ‘Why Men Love Bitches’.

I read it after a failed relationship and it really does work. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm….

Step. Back.

• Have a proper conversation with your 16 year old about their education. You've been through school and got your own education. It's time for him to realise that he has to do the work himself. You can't sit his exams for him. There's no point in "nagging" him about study - he won't learn from you doing it for him. You can say that you support him with resources but he has to do the work. It's his education and his results and he has to take ownership. Step back.

• Technology - you can get family tech apps that allow you to set the limits on tablets/phones etc. Just do it so that the tech turns itself off after a certain time. Extra time can be earned. ( I'm assuming you need screen limits for the 10 year old.)

• Family days out - if they're not interested do it for yourself. Go to the cinema on your own or bring one other willing family member or a friend.

• Halloween/Christmas only do what you have capacity to undertake. Have a clear conversation with other family members about sharing the load. Delegate tasks to others. Your husband should look after his family - you have enough.

There's no point in wishing, hoping and being passive aggressive about taking it all on. Life moves on and your circumstances change, it is possible to reset expectations about who does what work within the family.

I got fed up with doing Christmas dinner for everyone, so I got rid of the table.

Worked a treat.

I can relate to this.
DD is in Year 6 and I'd not booked any organised childcare for the October break. I usually would book something - childcare or family holiday. The TV has been watched more than I would like but she has also been out locally with her friends a few times.

I find weekends a bit boring if there is nothing in the calendar. I want to go to the cinema, or roller skating or to the local village fete so I'm kind of letting myself down/shooting myself in the foot if I don't organise to do something.

We did do the pumpkin patch the other week. My own pumpkin was made into soup - the other pumpkins have not been taken out of the bag and I'm not suggesting a carving session!

DH said he'd organise the summer holiday next year. I'm waiting to see if he does as there's a lot of, "I'll do that at the weekend" tasks still left undone.

I've booked the flights to see family at Christmas. I've booked the cat into the cattery. I'll put up the Xmas decorations. Next year? We'll see.

I see your point, but all of those things still mean that the OP has to take the lead in actually doing something.

How does that quote go? The 'holiday magic' we remember from childhood was just the unseen emotional labour of women....

OP - easy resolution to the Halloween pumpkin thing which takes about 10 seconds. Ask the dc if they want to do pumpkin carving this year. If they say no, great. Job done. If they say yes, hand them a fiver and point them in the direction of a shop within walking distance. Job done.

There is a wonderful thread on Threads by a woman who just..... stopped. The catalyst being her DH agreed to let BIL and SIL throw DNiece's birthday party at their house and the entire family expecting the OP to step in, make the cake, do the decs etc.... and she just... Doesn't do it!

https://www.threads.com/@i_am__sherlocked__/post/DPb-rrkjOnn?xmt=AQF0invtqhMIBV7u6Ljv2FcxblqjL29UiyymlHDznNLD_g&slof=1]]

Yep, just stop

No conversation, just don't do it and let them work it out...

I have a very obvious ‘mental load’ list at the moment that’s written in whiteboard pen on our hob splashback. Previous incarnations have also included post it notes on the cupboards in the utility room

I use this to demonstrate and delegate! Demonstrate how much I do and ask / tell people what they will take off the list for me.

Yes, I shouldn’t have to write the list; DH should also realise the broken parasol that’s been in the hall for 3 months needs to go to the tip.

But that’s too big a shift - so the list is up and the parasol has gone.

You could have a similar system where AS A FAMILY you list out everything that you do and agree if it still needs doing and then split it a bit more evenly

I could have written this post and there will be hundreds of mums that will say the same on here, no doubt.

If you want to attempt to save your sanity, read Mel Robbins Let Them Theory, even better listen to the audio book (while you do the million things noone notices, or is grateful for 😉) Of course, I still fall back into bad habits, had a moan yesterday and eldest actually said "what do you want, a medal" but Let Them is life changing. The Let Me part is about owning why you do all the running around and taking responsibility for YOUR needs.

Let them decide carving pumpkins is actually pretty boring. Happy Halloween 🎃

Yes op noticed it in my friend group if I dont plan it.. I met one last thursd. She said it was fab to meet the group us. I told her someone else can do next one. I need step back. Your right you be tired it

Yep, I don’t have the time and mental energy to do the shit anymore.I lost my shit last Christmas as I work FT and often 50+ hours a week, whilst dh is PT on 3 days and only term time.

I now delegate / ask dh to do stuff like get the halloween decorations down, and let ds know dh is responsible. If he doesn’t do it, it’s crap but ds can complain to him

I stopped doing the stuff that takes time -like personalised picture calendars of ds for dh’s overseas family. FiL is v vocally disappointed, but i’ve told him dh is doing it (or not) I pared back my approach to Christmas last year for food and wine and no one noticed

I told dh he needs to be responsible for booking stuff / organising most of the things such as holidays, trips out etc. As a result we’ve barely done anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its a bit of a double edged sword as I do want to do stuff and if left to dh, him and ds would be stuck in all weekend every weekend / school holiday with way too much reliance on screens

Thanks everyone. I'm glad it's not just me and others have felt and done the same. I will stick to my guns. No one's asked about pumpkins yet so guess we aren't bothering so fine with me etc!
Will obvs still do all the essential stuff but it feels quite liberating to think I'm not going to take responsibility for the non essential things!
I had already scaled back on some things over the years like getting birthday cards etc for DH side of the family. I don't do that anymore so if he doesnt get his nan or his nephews anything then it's on him!