Ex derogatory comments about my spending

[OutAnAboutToday]

I met my husband last week to have a discussion about our marriage and whether we can fix anything.

I mentioned him taking accountability for his actions that lead to the breakdown of our marriage and vice versa.

He mentioned a few comments about money which has since made me angry. Example-

He took our child on holiday this year and claimed I had given our child no spending money. I genuinely couldn’t remember what had happened, he asked our child on holiday “Has your mother given you any spending money?” And our child had said no. But I now remember I definitely gave him £30 in an envelope and both my parents witnessed me giving him that. I then gave ex the envelope to be converted into euros. It felt like he was trying to make me look bad.

Also our child has been saving up for a big item, he had half of the money towards it and I had planned to pay for the rest along with ex for his Christmas gift. Husband’s family then gave DS a large amount of money randomly so DS could then purchase the item outright. Husband then said that I contributed nothing towards the expensive item. It was taken out of my hands and there was nothing to contribute at that point (he had also mentioned to DS how I had not contributed)

I get an amount of UC and child benefit for DS and my husband said DS had seen none of that money. I pay for lots of his activities, phone, school meals, trips, clothes etc. It’s also not like I would give the money directly to DS.

So I made the mistake of texting Ex last night defending myself, 3 very long texts about each separate issue. I was calm and the texts were factual just telling him my point of view, not nasty.

He text back saying “Jesus, you have finally lost your mind”

Am I a fool to keep taking the bait?

Yes you are
It is Sunday morning and you are spending it stewing on and wanting to discuss your EX

So I made the mistake of texting Ex last night defending myself, 3 very long texts about each separate issue. I was calm and the texts were factual just telling him my point of view, not nasty.

He wouldn’t have even read it
you bombarded him
just leave it

I get why you're annoyed but this is EXACTLY the reaction he wanted.
You have to rise above it. "That is not true" at the time, and nothing more.
Don't get back with him, he's a prick.

Drop the rope.

Breezily correct your child is he says/hears anything when the ex badmouths you but don't engage the ex.

Look up the grey rock technique.

Why would you want to fix your marriage with this arsehole? Stay away and get a divorce. He sounds hideous.

Ew.

Your husband is vile. This is a lot more sinister then you are giving it "credit" for.

Divorce this piece of work.

He sounds like the men who claim their ex spends the CM on her hair and nails instead of the DC. Don't rise to it Op, if he thinks every penny of CB should go on treats then he's being daft

He's given you excellent reasons to stay separated and proceed with divorce.

Everything you are doing is totally normal. Of course all monies go in to the pot and you don't give them money directly. And also my son is away with his Dad at the moment, I think I did my part by helping him pack, not a chance would I be giving him spending money on top and his Dad messaged me to confirm the same.

Thanks all. I’m stuck in a loop of wanting him to take accountability for the part he played in the breakdown of our marriage. Also stuck in a loop of endlessly defending myself to him. He did similar when DS was a baby and accused me in an argument of spending the child benefit on coffees, clothes for myself etc, our finances were separate and I was on a tiny amount of stat maternity pay. I had to set up a separate account for the CB to go in. Ex and his mum took over the purchasing of all nappies/milk/clothes and I didn’t get a look in but was accused of DS not seeing any of the CB. 😣

He’s gaslighting you. Honestly in the kindest possible way, you’d be a fool to get back with him.
He knows he has to work on himself, but rather than do that, he’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re not doing great as a mother, as he knows that will be your weak spot.
BTW child element of UC and child benefit are received to help cover costs of raising a child, they’re not received to be given to the child.
He will never take accountability. For everything you rightly try hold him accountable for, he will flip that back on you to deflect and make you the person that is in the wrong.
Stay away from this abusive toxic relationship…

What have I just read? This man gave control over family spends to his mum? What is wrong with these men?

There is no point defending yourself OP. He doesn’t actually care if he’s right or you’re right. He just wants to control you and force you to knuckle under.

Do not respond to any future accusations. Don’t reply to texts. Don’t say anything back to him. And whatever you do, do not get back with him. Enjoy your financial freedom and spend your money on whatever you like.

And make sure you get your maintenance from him and if you have to go through official channels to do so then so be it and then send him photos of your new hair and nails the day after he pays saying “thanks!”

Why would you give his son money to take on holiday with him? I don’t understand?

Stop engaging in conversation with him. You are giving him what he wants.

He was also talking about a holiday that happened 5 months ago - I genuinely couldn’t remember what I did but thankfully my folks saw me giving him £30 in an envelope along with their money for him. I’m taking DS away soon and I wouldn’t expect any contribution from ex and wouldn’t think of asking DS on holiday - Did your Dad give you anything? It’s just another way of making me look bad in front of DS.

It' not up to you to fund treats on HIS holiday. He'll never see himself as in the wrong so just avoid him as much as you can. I have family members like this, they will always look for fault in you but never recognise their own and will make everything they do wrong your fault too. It's frustrating but they won't change.

He’s never going to give you what you want. That’s why you are separated.

Cut the cord, accept that he isn’t the person you fell in love with and start working on yourself and your new life.

Keep communicating strictly to the kids and always ask yourself before you send a message or reply to him if you’re answering with too much emotion. Pretend that you’re speaking to a customer and remain in an emotionless professional manner.

Ah well, looks like he’s solved the dilemma with f whether to get back together or not.

Time to press on with the divorce.

Grey rock for the ex, and calmly correcting your child seems the best way forward.

Well he just sounds horrible. He’s also made you feel ridiculously sensitive about money and how it is spent. Divorce him and don’t talk about your spending with him ever again. CB is to help pay the additional costs of having a child (like food, heating and extra space in the home), it’s not and never has been for pocket money or treats. It goes into YOUR household income because you have care of the child. You may still buy coffee, have your hair done or buy a plant for the garden. You have been living in a financially abusive environment. Save yourself, you sound nice, so be kind to yourself and get away from this nonsense. If ds asks about money just tell him his dad is a bit odd about money and it’s really not something to worry about.

How old is your DS?

Congratulations on your separation/divorce. Your ex is a knob. Just don’t get drawn in to any conversations with him at all beyond strictly factual stuff to do with DS (think you can get apps for that now). He’ll never admit he’s a knob and he’ll just continue to wind you up. Don’t engage.

He's an ex for a reason.

Ignore his comments, his views are irrelevant. Cease to communicate on anything other than pick up & drop off logistics, unless legally required.

Move on with your life.

Yes you are. You need to stop trying to make him take accountability for his actions, he is not going to and you will drive yourself mad trying. Look at it this way - his inability to do this is the reason he's an ex. You have no control over how he behaves. The only thing you can control is your response to him.

Don't meet him again. Don't talk to him about anything except arrangements for seeing his child. Anything else, just completely blank him. Rant to your friends and family if you need to vent. But don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's got you upset and worked up. You're playing right into his hands otherwise.