Are we being unreasonable?

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

At 6:30pm my mother in law walked in, we were upstairs.

My husband had to pop out and as he did his mum said so am I staying the night then?

He replied with we haven’t agreed anything and she assumed she’d be able to have dinner with us despite not knowing and therefore not planning anything and expecting to stay over.

My husband has already had to ask her stop just turning up and coming into our bedroom!

What a bizarre thread. You all sound a bit odd.

And lock your doors - I’m not sure why this doesn’t seem to have occurred to you?

You're just having a little fun at our expense, aren't you?

Must be a bored night for someone.

@everyone we are in and our our 14 year old goes out with his friends so I don’t want lock the door she’s been asked to not just come upstairs and ignores it.

she’s said and done some hurtful things that I’ve let go for my husband’s sake! My brother didn’t speak to my dad and still my mum because of a misunderstanding which my mum caused but I’d never put my husband in that position because he’s told her and me it would be me all day but I know that would devastate her and I’m not that kind of person I forgive but never forget

Absolutely not! Why say that? I’m not going to lock my door because of reasons I said in my previous response!

I’m not complaining just asking for advice to see if someone else has this dynamic!

I won’t lock the door because I have kids and don’t want to be up and down

I’m not locking my doors because you be got kids coming in and out!

shes welcome she just doesn’t respect the boundaries weve discussed and turns up unannounced and expects us to accommodate her

Don’t your kids have keys?!

No and I can’t say why but it isn’t possible plus we leave the key in the door! If we have friends come are a parcel I want to just open the door and as much as I’ve asked for advice I’m not saying she’s not welcome just to have some consideration and not expect she can have dinner and stay over without warning

Right so you've told her what behaviour you expect very clearly. This seems to be "feel free to come over anytime but phone first. You can let yourself in, but please don't come upstairs"
Is this correct?

But she ignores the 'phone first' part and the 'don't come upstairs' part. She also demands bed and board.

You can't control her, only how you react to her

So if she's ignoring your instructions, you have 2 choices. Accept life will be lived on her terms until she dies; or put in physical barriers to prevent her behaviour.

You seem unwilling to put in the most obvious physical barrier. So I guess you're going to be angry for the next 10 to 40 years.

Well if you insist on being weird and not locking your door, then I don't know what you expect people to say?

Hopefully it's just your MIL who wanders in and not the local thief as your insurance won't pay out if you refuse to lock your doors

With respect OP, you’re life is Jeremy Kyle territory.
A quick search shows that your husband who ‘would always choose you’ has been a bit of a twat in the past…
Your mother lives with you and leaves the house in a shit tip which is causing more friction in the marriage…
And your MIL wanders in whenever she likes to demand meals & sleepovers…
This situation is only going to get worse, you’ll end up with both mothers living with you in the end you know!
Short term - lock the door, get DC to knock or have a key
Long term - make plans to move your mother out and work out wether your DH is really that fabulous

Missing the point somewhat, as that all sounds like mayhem and some people thrive on that, but leaving your house unlocked is such an unwise unsafe thing to do; no point in paying for contents insurance as the insurer would never pay out.

Well you either give your kids keys, get a key safe (nobody tells MIL the code) or you accept that she, and any other random stranger, can waltz into your home any time she wants.

Those are your options.

Well it looks like you'll have to put up with it OP.

Give your kids a key? I wouldn't feel safe knowing anyone can just walk in.

Could you try having arrangements with her, like you're coming for dinner and to stay on Monday and Thursday, and lunch on Sunday and if she turns up any other time it's a cup of tea and see you Monday. But I can see how difficult it can be to say no, it feels churlish if she's lonely. And even if she couldn't just walk in you could hardly not answer the door if she knocked.

Yes.
NO and boundaries work wonders.
It's your basic right and dignity.

Some places are very safe, I have friends who very rarely lock their door. They don't think it's necessary and where they live it's never been a problem or even a discussion. I'm a locker myself, it's such a habit I couldn't not.

Where I live is really safe but there is something about knowing nobody can just walk in.

Enjoy time with your parents. Some day they will be dead

Agree with PP - not sure where you live but having a front door that anyone in the street can just open and walk through just sounds incredibly risky and almost certainly invalidates your home insurance. There must be a way of changing that arrangement.

Well if you’re not going to give your teenagers a key and you don’t want to enforce boundaries you’re just going to have to message her when you want privacy. ‘Hey Sandra, Barry and I are heading upstairs for some sexytime. If you’re coming over, make yourself a cup of tea, put your earplugs in, and give us 20 minutes before you come upstairs unless you want to see his hairy arse nailing me to the bed 👍.

Some day we’ll all be dead. Loving your parents doesn’t mean you want them to see you in the throes of passion.

Tell her you were having sex.