What would you do?

[Hodgeheg78]

My relationship with my partner has slowly deteriorated. We don't argue. I/we struggle to communicate about anything that isnt functional day to day topics or our 5yr old.

We moved to his late parents house a year ago. He told me that he would clear their things once we had moved. He hasn't. We have ended up keeping all thier furniture and there are cupboards and drawers full of their belongings. I feel like that means we don't space for our stuff. The pictures and ornaments are still everywhere. A constant reminder that it's their house. I feel like a guest in the house and I don't own any of it whereas out previous house we owned 50/50.

I finally found the courage to speak to him a couple of months ago and his response was that he didn't realise it was a problem. He cleared some stuff from our bedroom (after 2 weeks) but there has been no other changes!

On top of that. He speaks to another woman and deletes the text messages/call logs. He says he speaks to her because she understands loosing both parents. But this doesn't sit right with me. When I raised it with him he just went down the grief route of explanation and it makes me feel bad that he can't talk to me!

I know deep down I need to talk to him, but that is so hard when we just don't talk. I've talked to friends who obviously support me but they only see things from my point of view. So I'm interested in what people would suggest I do next without any personal connections!

Thanks for sticking with it to the end of the post!!

I would end the relationship, he's talking to another woman and it sounds like its over

Who is the other woman he is talking to? Why is he deleting the messages/call logs if he has nothing to hide? Doesn't sound good do you think he could be having an affair ?

You both need to refocus. Have a chat after DC are in bed one night, and say you think the pair of you deserve some fun together. Make a joint list of things you' d like to do together - big and small - bands you'd love to hear live, comedians that make you both laugh, films you want to see, places you want to visit etc.

I sympathise with you both - all their clutter is not a good energy for you feeling like you belong there. But I bet his inertia is linked to bereavement. These things have a history and meaning for him.

If he is a bit depressed about both of them having died, he'll find it so hard to make these changes. He might even think it is disrespectful to chuck out their stuff. So I'd be very sensitive but point out that for this to work, so the house isn't a sad reminder of them, you need to create a vibrant home that expresses who you are as a family.

Discuss redecorating it. And ask him to choose a few key pieces that he loves, that have good associations. Just... tolerate them. Our home is full of DH's parent's old furniture. In a way I hate that I've never lived in a home that is decorated to my taste. But I also like that it has historical, sentimental value. And DC love it as it has come right back into fashion. Try to work around a few key pieces and let them feature strongly in any remodelling you do of the house. If he really can't face this, it may be that the house should be put on the market so you can, together, find a home that is right for your family now, that doesn't hark back to his parents' lives.

What rubbish advice. You don't break up a family because your partner talks to someone of the opposite sex! You intervene and get him to refocus on what matters - his marriage, his children, your joint happiness.

He's having an emotional affair. Before long it will become physical. Gather up your self respect and leave.

One of the most concerning things you said was “when I got the courage to speak to him” - that’s not right at all, and it sounds like he’s cheating

If he loses focus from me then I wouldn't intervene, I'd be done

It's someone he used to work with. From before we were together (we've been together 15yrs) she is older and married.
I don't think anything physical has happened. When I asked why he deletes everything he said he thought it would hurt less. Which kinda confused me more.....he knows he's doing something that will hurt me, yet continues to do it!

Thanks for some practical suggestions regarding the house. It's so hard as I try to be sensitive, but there is so much and he just doesn't see any of it as a problem.its the house he grew up in too.

He won't ever sell so that isn't an option. But I really need to find a way to make changes here. And for him to understand how hard it is for me living in a house that doesn't feel like mine.

Sounds like you aren’t married.
What has happened to the equity from the previous house that you co-owned.

I'd leave him and live elsewhere with my child and enjoy my free time when he had his contact.

You don't like each other. Why do people stay in relationships that have run their course?

He doesn't need to understand anything. I understand what you need doing from reading your post. He can understand that too. I'm sure his IQ is at least as high as mine. He knows.

He. Just. Doesn't. Care.

He's set for life and you're not. He can do what the F he wants and you will like it, lump it, or leave.

It sounds like he’s grieving. Can you talk to him about going for grief counselling? It sounds like he’s using his female ex-colleague as a grief counsellor, which isn’t a good idea.

With regards to the house. Where are all your things? If it was me, I’d just tell him that you’re going to start bagging up his dead parents clothes and belongings and taking them to the charity shop so that you can all move into the home properly. Maybe he just can’t do it?

Ultimately, do you want the relationship to continue? Can you see a future together? Are you prepared to work at the relationship with him? Or are you done? Only you can know the answer to that.

Correct. We're not married.

It was always something we were going to do. Then his dad died unexpectedly and he couldn't get his head around getting married without his dad there. Now he's decided it won't make any difference.

The equity from our previous house was split 50/50.

So what happened to your share of the equity? Do you still have it? It looks like you may not be too well protected, especially if your share isn’t in your bank or in a liquid-able investment. To me, it feels like your choices are, to put up with it, move or leave.

Have you considered couples counselling?
It does help having that person help explain how you both are feeling. For some reason that sink in more. It did for us.
On the not talking side.
Set aside time thats just for you both if you can. Regularly. Tell him why. That you want to grow closer again.

We didnt talk for quite a while. Not really.

When we did we quickly realised we both had the same feelings bottled up inside and that helped. Getting them out helped.

We also took a suggestion to get a conversation starter. Something that makes us talk about subject we otherwise wouldn't even know existed.
We found an app called paired. There is a yearly fee but it is worth it.
It asks you both questions based on what areas you want covering like relationships or finance or even sex. Each day you both get the same questions and you cant see the others answers until you have answered.
We were sceptical at first but its been great. After 20 years together we now know so much more about each other. And we've learned what we see in each other too outside of the normal. Like I learned that how I was for my wife when her grandad passed away means the world to her. Where I had felt like I wasn't much help during that time.