I think that I'm unattractive, I can attract men but I've never been in a relationship ?

[Scarlet29061991]

I think my face is 'hard' for a woman, I have a few good features but masculine ones as well that ruin them.
I'm also overweight by around 1st at least.

I have had men like me in the past and currently, even some that I thought were above my looks level and some much younger men. I think my personality does come into this, I have a good sense of humour and enjoy banter with the lads at work.

However, a lot of these men are already in relationships. Many men nowadays seem to be looking for a 'bit on the side'. I'm not keen on being 'the other woman' as I would never knowingly do that to another female.

I am an laid back person, many people would describe me as likable and I think that I could make a decent partner.

I've been on a few dates but they've amounted to nothing, I've never been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin in my 30s. I have pretty poor self esteem and can be awkward in front of men that I'm attracted to. Why do you think that I've never been able to take things further with a man? Also why do I attract men that are already attached? Are most men like that as they get older, as I don't think that I give out that vibe?

You need to learn to love yourself first, I’d work on self esteem and once you’re happy you can share that with others

Men who just want a casual fling tend to try it on with any woman in their orbit who is at all friendly and decent looking. You say you like a bit of banter - those type of men see it as flirting. There have been studies done - men generally overestimate how interested a woman is in them. They can see a simple polite smile as flirting.

It's part of life in afraid. So either you change your behaviour and stop the fun banter in the hopes of warding off those types or else you can continue the banter but put up with the inevitable married man trying it on. Either way, don't blame yourself.

As for finding someone interested in a serious relationship, perhaps to mitigate the awkward stage it would be best to meet someone where you can be friends first and then it evolves into something more. Easier said than done though, I know!

Have you had a look at meetup.com? It's for joining hobby groups (e.g. practice languages, go hiking, play chess, have coffee on Thursdays) and meeting new people. It is not a dating site. There are random ages and many people aren't looking for a relationship. But there are often people interested in making new friends and in fact that's where I met my now DH.

One thing I found useful when looking for a relationship is to remind myself - you don't need lots of people to want to date you, you just need to find one person who likes you and who you like back. Keep meeting new people in relaxed settings and maybe you'll find that person.

A relationship won’t fix poor self esteem. And could make it potentially worse. You need to learn to love yourself before allowing anyone else the opportunity to love you.

And agree don’t worry about the married men looking for NSA sex. They try it on with everyone! It’s them not you

Also wanted to come back and say: don't worry at all that you are a virgin. It is extremely easy for a woman to have sex (just think of all the attached men hitting on you) so don't think of it as 'everyone else has found a partner to have sex with'. It's more 'lots of women like to have casual sex but it's just not for me'. Then some women, yes, have found partners, but you are definitely not the only woman who is still looking!

In some women, extra weight can masculinse your face. It depends where the fat in your face naturally lies. If it's in the jaw area or above your upper lip, it can create a masculinising, heavier effect.

I'd be careful with that whole banter thing, as well as men who say they want a woman who doesn't take herself too seriously, or one who's one of the lads.

Although I can understand why, what a lot those guys want is a woman who is 'fun', according to them. Someone who won't call them out, if they decide to say something inappropriate, insulting or sexist, who won't place as many emotional demands on them. They may want those things, but they won't respect any woman they have that with.

Personally, I think men are more likely to cheat as they get into their 30s and above. They get bored in their relationships, bored or stressed with family life & small children at home. Some of them might not have had sex for months, years in some cases, and some are looking not only for sex, but for an escape from their hum-drum lives.

It's tough 😔

I wonder if you attract men that are already attached because you are not awkward around them. You are hung up on looks but I don't think that looks factor into this at all. It's all to do with confidence.

I'd be careful with that whole banter thing, as well as men who say they want a woman who doesn't take herself too seriously, or one who's one of the lads.

When men say they want a woman who "doesnt take herself too seriously", what they really mean is low-effort and somone they can walk all over. Avoid these ones. * *

Stop thinking of physical attractiveness as being such an overwhelming priority.

As several pp say - it won't be about your looks. It'll be about the way you're presenting yourself in the world.

Attracting attached men, also as pp say - it isn't about you, they'll try it on with everyone initially and just continue to do so with people who don't shut it down.

So I'd agree with pp who say work on your self esteem, and when you know you're worth an amazing partner who treats you well, then maybe you'll find one, but definitely you'll be able to swerve those who aren't what you want.

Best of luck!