Depressed DH giving me the silent treatment

[Jessingtonspa]

Just wondered if anyone else has experience with this and if it ever got better. My DH of 8 years (together 17) has always struggled with depression. It comes in cycles- when things are good they are brilliant but they soon start to slip as he goes into a depressive episode which can come on suddenly and last anything up to months at a time. When he’s depressed he withdraws from family life, ignores me (except one word neutral answers) and goes to bed. I feel like I’m tiptoeing round him trying to prevent the depression from escalating (he’s said he was suicidal before and has been violent although not directed at me) or living in anticipation of it, trying to guess what the trigger for it will be next time so I can prevent it. it’s exhausting.

After the most recent episode of being ignored for a week I’ve asked him to leave and he’s staying with a friend. However, he’s now taking antidepressants and getting counselling and thinks if he improves then we can get back together. Am I mad to think this is a possibility? Does anyone else have experience of this? part of me doesn’t want to give up on him but the other part feels like it’s all too much risk. We have 2 DC 13 and 9.

You say he has been violent on occasion.
What form did this violence take OP?

After 17 years of this it is time to put yourself first. To really think how you want your life to be now and in the future for you and your children.

The question you have to ask yourself is, do you want this life of anticipation, eggshells, escalations, silent withdrawal, violence and exhaustion?

Surely the high points aren't enough to compensate for all the low.

I think you've given it a fair crack of the whip and that any outsider would wonder how and why you would put up with it any longer when you could have a stable and potentially safer life.

Smashing and throwing things. Not violence directed at me as such.

Was he doing anything to actively manage his depression before? You say he's now having counselling and taking antidepressants - is that new?

How is he with the kids when he's low? Does he talk to them?

Well, if he's going to actively manage and work on his depression then it might be that the relationship can be salvaged, but after all these years, it might be that you feel it's too little too late. Interetig that he's apparently dealing iwth it when you've finally tossed him out.

If he wants a relationship, he needs to put more effort into helping himself. Finding proper support and communicating with you about what is happening. Trauma counselling or using exercise or medication to help his bouts. You can't be expected to have someone in your home who is so unpredictable and emotionally unsafe I bet you're carrying more than just the emotional load in this relationship too.

Smashing and throwing things absolutely is directed at the people who are exposed to it! It is a form of aggressive behaviour!

If children are witnessing this it’s very bad- as it is if they’re growing up in an atmosphere where their mother is on eggshells to avoid triggering this or other mood swings. It will affect their future relationships in ways that could be very detrimental.

After 17 years it says a lot that he is still outsourcing his misery to you- he has not taken on any responsibility for avoiding disruption to his family. In fact from your account completely the opposite- he is choosing to make you suffer with him.

I would be very worried - from what you say- about letting him back again, given the aggressive throwing things etc, the lack of progress over years, the complete lack of responsibility from him, & the effect on your children. He sounds like someone who you really should not be around. I actually would want to keep a long way away from this behaviour. (I say this having experienced DV & very frightening mood swings from a partner.)

Has he never actually treated his depression before?!

Leave, my dad did this and it was awful.
I used to wish my Mum would leave him but she stayed "for the kids"