Rant OH's family dynamic is weird and he's errand boy but can't see it!

[AvidTealTiger]

OH's family have never been close or much involved. I appreciate the efforts although very forced. His side of the family aren't bothered unless they can get something out of it or from OH. I can count on 1 hand in the 2 years we've lived here how many times to they've come to see him, he has to go to them mostly.
I feel they abuse OH's kindness and take advantage of him. This weekend his dad wants to come up for OH's birthday which is great. He lives over 100miles away and will get a train here. OH has had to go get him before just to spend a couple of hours which turned into over a 3 hour round trip!! Visits also usually come with baggage meaning his jealous and nosy sister will be tagging along who's always in the picture and runs the show constantly calling OH (she has her own house, kids, partner), makes all the plans, all plans revolve around her timings, she will just rock up with her family as it saves her a trip to see her dad. I've asked OH whether she's now coming, he said no just his dad but we will see. It's like they use our house as a pit stop because we are half way between the dad and where the sister lives conveniently for them so she can come to nose around and save her a further trip. OH ends up running around like a madman catering to them, picking people up doing shopping, they also only ever seem to have cash when they come to us so conveniently so OH has to drive his dad and sister around to find and buy food. He just spends all day running up and down for them and with them and I'm dumped with 4 kids (including his sister's 2) to look after. That's not a visit that's him running errands and me babysitting it's exhausting. I've even cooked before but no they want Chips or something else it's ridiculous and wont order food in, it's like he's under a spell and does everything they say to please. If I went to my brother's and his wife cooked and I decided I'm going out to buy chips with my brother and mum leaving her with the kids that wouldn't go down at all! Its so damn rude! I don't get why he can't see any of this as a problem and it causes tensions when I say my piece. He is always on the phone to his sister aswell she seems to need him for everything, any plans I feel I'm the last to know, they plan together during the day then he tells me after. Weird. And always when I'm not around, His dad also calls every day multiple times. I don't believe for a second that the sister's not coming over tomorrow. If they want to catch up like old times I dunno why the 3 of them don't just go out for a day it would make more sense instead of dragging us all into their weird forced set up.
He lives by his family and what they say rather than hearing me it feels like.

How many times a year does this happen?

It is not that mad for them to combine this trip to your house.
It isn’t also that crazy to be speaking to your sibling regularly. DH and his brothers sometimes do make plans. As long as they are not inconvenient I don’t mind?
His father calls when you are not around. How does that matter?

When DH’s family visits (many siblings, partners and kids) he does do a lot of running around for them. He loves it though. He’s not their errand boy- they are his family. Leaving you with the kids while they pop to the shops isn’t again that mad.

Maybe they are ungrateful and horrible. But you also clearly don’t like them as well. Are your family very formal? DH and mine are not. It’s mad and chaotic and sometimes involves last minute plans and that’s just how it is.

I don’t understand. You say the family are not close, not involved, don’t bother with him unless there’s something in it for them, yet you then say they talk on the phone all the time. That sounds very close and involved to me.
Obviously leaving you alone babysitting is not ok.

I’ve seen relationships like this, where one partner uses insults, like name calling (errand boy) and it shows a deep disrespect. You seem to want to “”say your piece “ but your attitude towards your partner sounds very poor. This won’t end well.
Work on your communication, avoid insults and you will stand a much better chance of coming together through these rare visits.

You sound delightful, OP.

Why don’t you just go out when they come round then they can’t leave you to babysit?

The babysitting I’d knock on the head but otherwise I genuinely think that you are being harsh. No cooking, infrequent, over in one go instead of family members constantly dropping in separately. They might be draining and overbearing which seems to be your real gripe reading between the lines but the actual activities seem to be fine.

It really sounds like you hate all of them. Are you aware of this? There's a deep dislike, contempt, in your tone.

There are a lot of contradictions in what you say, like for example that they are not close but they are always talking and making plans and leaving you out. It doesn't quite make sense and sounds very emotionally driven, especially around his sister, who you sound really jealous of. You seem to feel she is displacing your status in your home, in some way. Is that close to how you are feeling? It can be helpful sometimes just to notice how we are feeling without doing anything about it, just sort of think, huh, that's a thing.

Can you take a step back and try to imagine how you would see this if a friend wrote what you have here? What advice would you give her?

You sound very abusive and as if you want to isolate your husband from his family!

Hi op it sounds like they only come when they want something and they don't help him out. It's a difficult one because they are his family and he will probably keep doing this.

I am actually thank you :) have a lovely weekend.

It's hard to really get into all of it and write all the ins and outs here Bottom line they take advantage OH can't see it as that's the only way he'd get some involvement from them I guess if he pleases them. I don't hate anyone. Maybe I'm the odd one here because if anyone says they wanted to visit or see me it wouldn't require a million and one favours/ errands/ money for the pleasure.
His dad came over anyway literally spent 10 minutes at ours and said he wants to see the sister now, so OH had to drive over an hour to take him to his sisters instead and they wanted to take the kids too so I was left behind.
I dunno why they didn't just say OH and the kids are going to his sister's for the day it's always a wishy washy unsure day and OH never seems to know anything until last minute which is a part of problem especially when you are expecting visitors and it turns into me staying home alone with the baby by myself all afternoon.

I am not jealous I jus see he's being taken advantage of and they only come around when they want something or want to be nosy as I said. The sister always seems to pry into our relationship alot of my friends and family have said to me she actually seems jealous of me and what I have. His side of the family are very selfish and have always not been bothered with OH he seems to try please / buy their love or attention. we have been together many years. Since he's moved away from the area close to his sister/ mum and we've bought our own house and had kids they are now wanting to be be so involved see what we have what we are doing etc. I don't buy it.

Yes, it's impossible to give a full picture of your life, because it's complicated and full of context. And you don't owe us any more explanation than you want to go in to.

It's possible for you both to be jealous of each other. I can understand you feeling really angry being left on your own with the baby on your husband's birthday, especially if it feels like you were there for a lot of birthdays his family didn't show up for.

It can sometimes be helpful to try to split up all these things and think about them as separate problems. One is your long standing opinion on your DH family and your feelings about how they've treated you both in the past. Another is your husband's feelings about his family, and what he wants from that relationship, which is really up to him. But another part is how your husband treats you day to day. If you have planned to spend the day together and then he goes out without you, that's unkind. Tackle that without bringing in all of this history and baggage about moving away and his sister and so on. It's ok to say to him that you don't want your plans to be messed around like that.

But if any thing that involves his family becomes everything about his family, you risk setting up a huge emotional confrontation you probably don't want.

so you got a nice child free day out of it? You were not inconvenienced.

I think some people make plans on the go. Some people don’t. Your DH is okay with the dynamic in his family. he’s happy to take them places, facilitate the kids relationship with his dad and their aunt. His sister is interested in his brother’s life. I don’t see that as nosy or jealous. As others have said it is clear you don’t like her. He does.

Lol "a child free day" - she wasn't invited/ included