How to handle this? ... i feel like my son doesn't matter to in laws

[TheHazelCrow]

This whole scenario has caused me so much worry and anxious feelings, and for me, it's felt like its gone on a long time. I feel silly for feeling like I do, but I feel so hurt. I dont even know how to explain this all simply as its all so complicated in my own head, so apologies in advance if it doesn't make sense. Family wise, this is all of my husbands side of the family, regarding my sil who I did at one point have a good relationship with, and she was even asked as one of my bridesmaids. My husband knows all of how i have felt and what i feel now. (He thinks that im overreacting and should just let it go.) ... my questions are has anyone experienced something like this, and what way do I go forward with this? Do i do something or just do and say nothing?

For context I gave birth to my 2nd baby (boy) almost a year ago. During the first few weeks of my pregnancy, my brother in law & his wife were also expecting their baby ahead of us, but unfortunately their pregnancy didn't last. After this happened we still had not yet shared our news with them or with the rest of the family, and we decided out of respect for them we would tell them after we were at least past 6 months pregnant, I felt so guilty to tell them after what they had to go through. I checked in with her to ask how she was on multiple occasions. I even made the offer to meet for a coffee etc. It was me reaching out to her each time. The rest of my pregnancy the contact between me & sil was nothing, as i felt like communication was all one way. I went through a difficult pregnancy and then haemorrhaging during labour, and a very prolonged recovery. A congratulations text was sent by her after I gave birth to my son.

My son is almost a year old now and she has still yet to meet him. I could understand that it may have been difficult for sil to be around babies. My brother in law has visited alone about 3 times in total (during easter or birthdays, to pass on gifts for our children).... my fil is also very low contact with both my children now, hes barely made any effort with my son since hes been born (pronably only seen him 5 times in the last year).

When my son was about 6months old, we were told that sil & bil were expecting another baby. Which we all were very happy to hear.

Again, even while she was pregnant, she still hadnt met my son, or been in touch with me.... Fast forward to now, their baby is now born, and I feel abit taken back by how she has been towards me. My Bil called over last week to give my eldest her birthday present, and my husband decided to give him their baby gift etc then. After he left I got a text from sil saying thank you, the gift was lovely etc, and just general small talk about my eldest's birthday.. no acknowledgement about how there's been zero contact between us for pretty much the past year. No acknowledgement of how she hasn't ever even asked how my son has been. Or how i have been. I cant help but feel so hurt and angry, because my in laws are doting over their baby, and its like the past year my baby boy didn't even exist. I feel like i just have to keep my mouth shut because im scared of how my husband will react but the whole thing has really upset me. A large part of me doesn't want to visit their baby. I feel terrible to admit this, but i feel so hurt about this. She's made no effort to see or check in with my son, even during her pregnancy. Reasons I can only assume that being around babies would have upset her, but she's able to go to work etc and no doubt see strangers babies when out doing her shopping. I honestly dont feel like shes even that bothered about how the past year has made me feel within the family. I cant bear to even read the messages in the family group chat, as my son after he was born was never treated the way their baby's being treated. Im dreading the future because I dont know how i can get past this with my sil.

OP, in the nicest possible way, I'd say this is a fuss about nothing. You both have healthy children - just be grateful for that.

In addition, do you not have any friends? Cultivate them, because they will always be more important in your life than in laws or family (who are just people we're stuck with!).

I understand how you feel OP but honestly I would I would say nothing and move on. Be pleasant and breezy but I would low-key these relationships. Families can be insane and it is important to look after yourself. My kids are older now and honestly it is not worth any of your energy. Don't take any of this personally and I cultivate a pleasant but not super involved relationship.

" Im allowed to feel sad that my child hasn't had any involvement from the in laws."

Gently, the majority of your resentment is directed at your SIL. You blame the entire family, but you seem to feel it's all because of her.

I'm sure you were very affected by their loss. It was much more than considerate that you waited so long to announce your own pregnancy. I'm sorry that you had a difficult birth and that you feel your dc has been ignored.

The timing of all of this was a big part of this situation. You have a choice here; continue to focus on the hurt and bitterness you feel, which will lead to more overthinking and more sadness, and could spill over into the entire family dynamic if those feelings continue to overwhelm you.

Or, you can choose to accept her text as a sign that she still/has always cared and is trying to be "normal" with you again. Frame things in a different way; she wasn't able to handle her loss while being around a new baby. She might have been worried her presence would take away from your joy and make you feel anxiety about your own pregnancy. It sounds very much as if she and your BIL care.

My younger daughter lost her unborn daughter at almost 21 weeks to complete Trisomy 18. It hurts so much, but the pain of watching MY child grieve for HER lost baby is the worst thing I've ever experienced. In the middle of it all, she has been so worried that this situation has caused so much sorrow and grief for others. She felt guilty for something she had no control over, and sometimes avoided being around people. Maybe your SIL has had similar feelings.

As my grandmother used to say, "You can be right, or you can be happy."

It's up to you to choose.❤

Your grandmother was a shrewd woman @Beenwhereyouareagain .

This is right, but know if you choose not to visit her baby you lose ALL moral high ground to judge her for not coming to see your baby, as you are agreeing that your own feelings are more important than building a relationship with your ‘nibling’, the same way she thought that about your son.

Honestly I’d probably think she did what she needed to for whatever reason, but I’d want to be a part of their baby’s life for that baby (not for its parent’s sake) and so rebuild relationships on that basis. It seems to bother you that the relationship has deteriorated so it would just be spiteful to refuse to rebuild it just to give her a taste of her own medicine.

I have to be honest here. My twin boys died - my first twin was stillborn and my second boy died in my arms in the nicu 4 days later. It was the most traumatic week of our lives. Dh and I left the hospital with a coffin. My sil was due the same week. Her baby was born healthy. That was almost two years ago and i find it so difficult seeing that lovely child. It's nothing personal but my heart is broken and ive since had another baby but our lives will never be the same. Give her time. If you havent lost a child, you dont get it. Her having a baby hasnt magically erased the pain of the baby they lost.

And I get it that you said the whole family were affected and heartbroken , but that's nowhere near how the parents feel. You can feel annoyed that she hasnt visited but thats on you. She can navigate her grief in whatever way she wants and needs to.

There are two things that really strike me. First is that you can acknowledge that you are an over thinker and sensitive but are unprepared to see that perhaps your SIL is too. And that both of you are inclined to experience offence and upset where none is intended

Second is that you had lots of contact with her whilst you were hiding the pregnancy. I’ve been in her position and what you did (presumably with good intent) would have left me so offended on so many levels. I would assume that the contact was to patronize me whilst you were laughing at me behind my back with your successful pregnancy. I think her reaction is consistent with being so so hurt that you (supposedly her friend) did that.

It isn’t a mess really, and if you start to behave normally then everything will soon become normal.