Moving towards less empathy for ex H

[Mumto21234]

Myself and my husband separated a few months ago, after being together for more than 14 years. We have 2 very young kids together, one being a newborn now that i was pregnant with at the time, when I found out he was having an emotional affair.

I was devastated and still very much figuring it out emotionally.

I feel like I am struggling to not still have empathy for him, and find myself making decisions/allowing things that are in his interest.

He seems at worst indifferent to me, and occasionally considers how I feel. But it still feels so uneven in that I have concern for him but he doesnt have the same concern for me.

Any tips on managing/moving past this?

I am an empathetic person but I don't want this to be detrimental to me, want to have fair boundaries but also not wanting to play games or point score.

Any words of advise very much appreciated!

My advice would be toughen up and start putting yourself and children first. Why have empathy for him when he was the one who went outside the marriage? If you don't put yourself first, who will?

I know you are 100% right and absolutely the advice I would give someone else. Im surprised at my lack of anger/firm boundaries but have just been focusing on the path of least resistance to stop my pregnancy being any more stressful and keep things as amicable as possible for the kids. But over time, and on reflection, I can see this tends to result in more leeway for him and less care for me.

Im hoping over time boundaries will feel more natural but its hard in this middle ground just now.

It sounds like you haven't found your anger yet. Anger at him for betraying you, your children, the life you had planned.

It's hard to distance yourself from the man you thought you had married. He is not your friend, you need to put yourself and your children first from now on as he won't be doing it.

The anger will come and it will help you detach from him. Try to be as pragmatic about your separation as possible, as it is easy to give too much leeway while you are still considering his feelings. He didn't give a shit about yours when he had the emotional affair. He knew what he could lose and did it anyway. Get mad!!!

What do you mean by having empathy for him? Are you talking about letting him not pay child support or take custody time?

Having empathy for your cheating ex will not improve your and your children's situation, it might actually make it worse. Boundaries are a good thing here. He's your ex due to his own actions.

He's your antagonist. He became that when he cheated while you were pregnant. Make decisions putting your own best interests and that of your children first.

In what way are you empathetic towards him OP? If he's not paying his dues or looking after the kids, then you can't let that continue. Your children must come first no matter how much empathy you personally have for the cheating bastard. Your kids don't have a choice, you do.

The empathy has nothing to do with him not paying or looking after kids. More so things that may make his life a bit easier when he has the kids, or being easy going with him changing his plans - only when it doesnt impact me. I suppose im pretty easy going naturally and have continued to be so, and just wonder if I should be much firmer but not sure if that would help.

I, ideally, would like to be completely emotionally detached from him now and I know im not as I still care about how he feels and ultimately don't want him to suffer which probably isn't entirely helpful in me moving forward.

Its such a difficult situation to navigate as I never wanted this and hormones are also all over the place!

Be kind to yourself and love your beautiful children: It will take time.

It's really good that you have empathy for him, I hope he has it for you too! You will always be co-parents after all. It's important for your kids to have the best relationship you possibly can, despite your understandable hurt at his actions.

Make a written plan, a business plan for your new life. Objectives, milestones, pathways to each objective. Include a budget. Having it written down will help you be brisk, businesslike and focussed. And you'll have the element of surprise.

That sounds more like flexibility when things come up and hopefully you will get that in return. If you don't, then stop.

You're so recently separated and with a newborn, do put your and your baby's needs first. I really like @Summerhillsquare 's idea of making a life business plan.

He is someone who has always struggled to show empathy. I think he feels guilt, at times, and this seems to make him very defensive or just shuts down so it never feels like empathy or remorse.

I wish I could just shut my feelings off now and move on to the next stage of planning my life with my kids but feel like I drag myself back to what could/should have been over and over again.