My mum has put me in very awkward position. WWYD?

[northofnewcastle]

My mum (early 70s) has been in an abusive, toxic marriage for around 20 years. No physical abuse, but every other sort of abusive you can imagine. Mainly mental, verbal and coercive control. She's refused every offer of help to leave. Is very "set in her ways", so chooses to stay. I suspect due to financial dependency as she only has a small pension and little savings. She's also in poor health and not particularly dynamic or forward-thinking.

The police know about the abuse as she first approached them 20 years ago when the abuse first started, shortly after they got married. She refused their offers of help and chose to bury her head in the sand, believing he would change. That stupid old chestnut..

There's a 10 year old child in the family who is very close to the husband and they have a good relationship.. My mum claims it would be too much "upset" for the child if she "splits up the marriage" by leaving. That the child would "blame her..". I suspect she's using the child as another excuse to stay. An excuse to avoid taking any action.

Meanwhile, my mum has been "seeing" someone else. This man is someone she's know since childhood and treats her well and seems to make her happy, which is nice to see.

I've always known this man as a family friend (he was widowed a few years ago) but a couple of days ago my mum took me to meet his daughter. The 4 of us had lunch together and I got on well with the daughter too. My mum and this man where holding hands, kissing each other on the lips when arriving and leaving, and generally acting like a normal happy couple.

Few hours later she went home to her husband...I'm at their house a few times per week and I just feel so awkward knowing that she's basically having an affair and has no serious plans or intentions to leave the marriage. In her husband's presence she acts all normal, last night when I visited they were talking about booking a holiday for next summer... Indicating that she's planning to still be with him then.

The other man and her message all the time and I've heard them on the phone to each other. They love each other but I'm worried she might be playing with fire in terms of stringing the other man along, or her husband finding about about the affair.

I've made my feelings clear to her, that I don't approve of her leaving a double life and that she needs to end her marriage if unhappy and met someone else. She just says "yes, I know... I know.." but won't actually do anything.

Makes me very uncomfortable. Anyone been in similar position?

That sounds very uncomfortable for you!
On top of having to worry about your mum being in a bad marriage, now this. It's not very fair of her to put you in the middle.
I understand you must be very concerned with your mum, but it seems to me like it would do you good to have some distance from her. It's not like she's showing any willingness to take you up on your advice and offers to help her.

Yikes having such an open affair is playing with fire when her spouse is so controlling. We know that coercive control is the most fatal form of domestic abuse (the fact he hasn't been violent before is a red herring), and that the risk of serious harm heightens when the relationship is ending - so she is right to not rush anything. But equally if he finds out by accident or via a third party that could also heighten risk.

Could you signpost her to the legal charity Rights for Women? They are experienced at dealing with women in your Mum's situation, there will be no judgement about the affair, just clear headed impartial advice on how to safely end her marriage.

What is her living situation? Tell her just to move in with you.

Ha there's life in your mum yet! She's reclaiming herself in ways she feels comfortable with, even if you disagree.

If you think there's a risk of husband finding out and being violent, speak to her again. If not, she's communicated her views with her actions, so stay out of it.

I am normally extremely disapproving of adultery having been a victim of the pain and misery betrayal and deceit causes but in this case I am mostly concerned for your mum’s safety if her husband finds out.

The bloke she is seeing on the side can take responsibility for his own potential emotional pain because he knows she is married so has pretty much signed up for the risk.

However, I can’t think of anything you can do to make your mother change her behaviour in any way except perhaps cite examples of women who have been assaulted and killed by men who have found out about affairs and make clear that the fact that he has not been physically violent before does not preclude him taking such a step in the face of what a very controlling man will see as the ultimate insult.

Your mum can then weigh up losing her boyfriend in order to stay in this half life with her husband or taking the risk of leaving him to be with the boyfriend.

Of course the boyfriend might get fed up and want to press her to leave the husband too so perhaps that might be another angle to try?

Well I don’t see you feeling or needing to feel any loyalty towards your Mum’s DH.

Just let it play out.

Hopefully this new man will provide an escape route for her (but poor him: your Mum sounds emotionally unreliable at present) so I wouldn’t do anything to impede that.

Stand a little way off, and prepare to be supportive rather than bring catsbummed and sanctimonious.

I can understand why you're worried about your mum, although it sounds like she deserves some happiness. The reality is, her relationship with the new man won't last unless she's willing to leave the husband - not many people want to be in a relationship long term with someone who's married. If she's really invested in the new relationship, she will have to address that eventually.

My other worry would be that she's at risk if her husband finds out about the affair. You say he's not physically abusive but finding out she's cheating may push him over the edge, especially if he's very controlling. Can you try and make a plan with mum as to what to do if she doesn't feel safe?

It's a lot of worry for you and that is unfair. Unfortunately, you can't control what she does, all you can control is your own actions. Can you avoid spending time with her at her home and see her outside so you don't have to see her husband as much?

Sounds like she’s secretly hoping that her husband will find out about the affair and then leave her without considering the other more likely consequences.

She’s definitely got her head in the sand with this one!

It sounds like a horrible life for her. I wouldn’t normally condone cheating, but it sounds like she is trying to find some happiness. I wouldn’t care about the husband. I’d be overjoyed to see the wanker getting one pulled on him. Serves him right.

But what I would be concerned about is (a) this new man friend, how awful for him to know he’s not good enough for a proper relationship. Eventually he will tire of this arrangement and find someone who is properly available to him. Your mum will be in even a worse situation than she is now. (b) The abuse she will face when this comes to light. If he is as controlling as you say, he will eventually find out and it won’t be safe for her.

I think though that this may be the best chance she has for jumping ship. How new is this new relationship? Could she move in with him to leave? Could you help put her up in a room somewhere? Could she live with you? I think this is a really opportune moment for her to leave.

And who is this 10 year old? It’s not a biological child because she’s in her 70s. If a grandchild, that child will be fine. My kids went NC with a grandparent. They are perfectly happy. It’s been 5 years now, one of them never even mentions her now and the other has no memory whatsoever of her. They are very well adjusted. It’s so much better for children just to rip the plaster off. They are much more resilient than we give them credit for.

Can she live with you op?

Your mother will merely continue to bury her head in the sand. I would take a step back from her because you cannot help anyone who does not want to be saved. She perhaps still believes that even now her abuser will change.

I'd just let her have a bit of happiness, god knows her like must have been miserable, she's 70 and in poor health , he's probably the only thing that makes her life bearable

Sadly I doubt that her mother would leave her abuser to live with the OP particularly if all offers of support have been refused by her mother to date.

She's an adult and can do what she likes. I'd personally stay out of it, and maintain regular contact in case he becomes abusive towards mum.

Nothing about this situation is about you. If I were you, I would keep my judgement and opinions to myself. You mother has been in a long, abusive marriage which, no doubt due to a combination of poverty, ill health and societal conditioning, she feels unable to leave. She's managed to find a small element of happiness. Good for her.

Stay out of it unless you suspect he is taking advantage of her. I would be thrilled she is enjoying her life.

We found out my grandmother had been enjoying an affair for five years when he rocked up at her funeral. We were all so shocked (she is very much a lady) and thrilled in equal measure. We have one life, let her be happy.

Maybe she wants to leave but doesn’t know how? Where would she go ? How would she get by financially?

Rights of Women offer free legal advice.
Due to her age and ill health she perhaps could do with a hand hold through the process of leaving … Can you help her ? Go with her to see a lawyer ?
Could she leave her husband and live with you until the legalities are sorted ?

I don’t blame her for wanting a happier life. As for breaking marriage vows, her husband broke them long before now by abusing her.

Personally I wouldn’t judge her for the affair. Affairs are rarely black and white, and it’s totally understandable how that came about.

it the truth is that not everyone will see it that way. And in reality, in the eyes of most people, affairs undo any wrongdoing which might have preceded them.

It doesn’t matter how abusive this man has been, if the affair comes to light, nobody will take any notice of what happened to bring it about, and she runs the risk of losing friends and family over it.

So even though IMO the affair is understandable, she needs to still bear in mind the potential consequences to her if it becomes known that’ she’s having an affair.

@northofnewcastle your Mum needs your loyalty, not your disapproval.

I'm sure that, under the circumstances you've described wrt her marriage, you must surely be delighted that she's found her way to cope, whilst protecting the child.

Her husband should garner zero empathy from you.

This, is now the way you can both, support and protect her after all her difficult years. eta; even if you find it "uncomfortable"

I'm usually fairly hot on infidelity, but in this case, honestly who cares! The only victim is a man who's been abusing his wife for the last 20 years. I'd have absolutely no trouble lying to his face without the slightest shred of guilt.

I'd say let it carry on, keep encouraging your Mum to leave, point out how much happier she could be with this other man, and be ready to offer an alibi for her at a moments notice.

Well, you've got your finger on the "nuclear button" and the question is - will you use it. Tbh, I would find a way to tell your mum's husband that his wife is cheating on him. Do it anonymously of course. That would probably solve the problem of her staying in a shitty relationship, and her financial issues, since she would probably be better off divorced.
For all you know she might be secretly hoping that you or someone else will tell him.

Step away from the drama.

Your DM has been in an abusive relationship for years. So just let her know that you can offer her an emergency bolt-hole if she ever needs one. That is all you can do.

Tell dm she can escape to you
Remind her that spurned abusive husbands kill their wives and their lovers.
She is playing a dangerous game
Have an affair and leave.
Dont stick around to see how much more abusive he can get