Loneliness in marriage

[Cupofteawithsugar]

I’ve been married to DH for 4 years and we have a toddler (together for over 9 years). I will start by saying that DH has always had lots of hobbies, never really done any chores or cooking and has always worked long hours so I do take some responsibility for the issues in my marriage as I knew what I was signing up for.

When I got pregnant with our DC, DH took a massive step back from me. It was very difficult but I felt like I was to blame because I was very tired, very sick, hormonal etc and once I started showing, he had no interest in me physically so there was no intimacy. Things were very strained during early PP as we weren’t close at all and I think as a result, DH wasn’t particularly bothered about my wants or needs as a new Mum. He was staying behind even later in work than usual and pretending that he was working late but that wasn’t true; he just didn’t want to come home to have to help with DC or be around me.
We’re now a couple of years past that and although things have improved slightly, I still feel very lonely. I spend A LOT of time alone (with DC of course, but once they’re in bed I’m just alone). DH just works and does his hobbies. If he’s not going to a hobby, he works late so we don’t spend any time together. I have tried over the years since DC was born with arranging date nights and family days out but he just doesn’t seem interested, and he’d never dream of asking me to do anything. I feel very lonely and very forgotten about, but I’m of course good for doing everything for DC and all the cooking and cleaning.

I have tried to have many conversations over the years about the way things are, but I just get shot down and told everything is fine as it is.

I know I should probably get hobbies of my own but I have no time to myself as I always have DC with me and no one to watch them. Once every 6 weeks I try to go for a facial but I come back an hour later to utter disarray and I’m then just an hour behind with DC routine for bed. DH is always in a bad mood and seems very overwhelmed after being alone with DC and I don’t feel it’s fair to either of them so I don’t like doing it.

It’s so tough and I just don’t know how to fix this. Any ideas on what I can do? I’ve even suggested divorce or one of us leaving but DH says he would never agree to that.

Does he have any redeeming features?

Sounds like you would have more me time without him.

Don't waste the best years of your life (health, energy, fertility etc) with a batcherlor boy.

I'm so glad my hubby isn't like this, first thing he did and voluntarily was drop 3 of his 4 hobbies once our little ones came along with the intention of taking them up again as they got older. Soon as he finishes work he is straight home and dives in with what needs done with kids or starts making tea etc. We make time every night once youngest gone to bed around 7 to sit have a cuppa and chat, have a laugh or just watch a bit of tv. Oldest is 15 youngest twins are 3 and all kids in between. Have to honestly say by working together to make the effort everything else intimacy,connection,communication make it all work. If one is only half hearted then is will never work. Hubby still hasn't taken up his 3 extra hobbies yet and oldest 15 lol but to see the kids adore there dad being around and a happy mum around dad has to be the best for all

you don’t need hobbies you need a divorce. You deserve so much more than this OP. Life is too short to be this lonely and unhappy in a marriage. It sounds like he has no redeeming features whatsoever.

This.

You don’t need him to agree to a divorce OP.

sorry but he sounds awful

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership OP. A loving and caring partnership.
What you are describing isn't a marriage .
He has no interest in being a husband or father.
You really need to end this charade OP. You deserve so much better.

Hi OP, this made me feel really sad for you. Him taking a step back while you were pregnant, what a huge red flag. A pregnancy should be exciting for you both. A journey you go on together. It seems as if there is very little or no emotional connection left between you both and hasn't been there for some time. He has you to take care of your child and home which then allows him all this time to work extra and so his hobbies. What's left for you? This is no way to be.

Im sure this is really helpful for the OP.

He’s nothing. He brings nothing to the relationship other than contribute financially.

What’s the point of being together when you are not a team, not a partnership and he basically has nothing to do with you other than sleep under the same roof!

This @Cupofteawithsugar - he might be happy with things as they are but you aren’t? If he won’t change then end it. But do get him to spend more time with your DC. Practise makes perfect and if you let him not do it he will just be deliberately useless so you give up trying because it is easier.

He doesn’t like to and I am pretty much begging and forcing this on to him, and he is quite obviously very frustrated with DC when I return. Why should my very young DC be treated in such a way just so that I can have an hour or two free a week? That’s absolutely not something I could ever enjoy knowing how my DC is likely being spoken to and treated.

I know I could absolutely insist on a divorce but the truth is that I feel I do not have the energy or confidence to withstand the anger that I will face. The arguing will be relentless and I don’t currently have anywhere to go.

If we did divorce, I might get the odd bit of free time here and there but I think it’s unlikely he would want much time with DC and unlikely he’d ever want to do any holidays or anything with them.

I don’t think it will change because it spills over into every aspect of our marriage and I don’t see how I can get him to want to be involved in life in general with me. It’s like he’s completely checked out from me in every area, and I realise that when I write it all down. Obviously there are lots more details in day to day life where it has an impact but I just get on with it because I have no choice.

But you do have a choice , why the hell should you be a housemaid to him. He gives you no respect and looking after HIS dc for 1/2 hrs every SIX weeks is too much FFS

You say you havnt the energy to go through the arguments that divorce brings with it, yet you argue already(no difference) and now you don’t say anything to live a peaceful life. But is it peaceful?
He treats you like a skivvy, nice clean house, cooked food, washing/ironing done
decided to come home when he wants
No parent care from him

I don’t know if you’ve every thought of this
Do you think there might be another woman ?
when men check out of their marriage there’s usually a woman around in the background
Do you think he’s been more into his appearance over the years? Bought new clothes ?

Whilst your still young get out, you don’t need his permission to divorce.
Do you work yourself?
Do you rent or mortgage ?

Nobody can tell you what to do only to think about your years ahead of you
Do you really want to live with dh who just cares about himself and that he has clean bed and shirt to put on .
Get some self respect and self esteem back , he’s drained you into the person you’ve become

OP surely it would be better to be single than live with a partner who doesn't care for you, want to spend time with you and lives his life selfishly with no consideration for you? You don't need his permission to divorce, you need to see a solicitor and file. He may be angry but there is nothing he can do about it - if he is aggressive, call the police and have him removed. Get some support from family and friends. You deserve to live a peaceful life and you don't have to stay with him.

@Cupofteawithsugar Have you got a good set of friends or work colleagues you could meet up with occasionally? That always brightens me up 😀

You’re a single mother in all but name now tbh except you’re walking on eggshells & super unhappy. I guarantee that if you divorce you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted, you’ll be free of this horrible man who doesn’t respect or care for you & you’ll no longer be there to accommodate his life. He’ll pay child maintenance &’if he isn’t having the children then it’ll be at the fullest rate, see what you’d be entitled to in terms of benefits. There is a way out but life is too short to be this unhappy, when I divorced, I left my beautiful 4 bed detached home, and moved into a rented 2bed terrace in the not best part of town. My ex said I’d not cope without him & his money & I liked the lifestyle too much, that apparently ‘he provided’ (projection at its finest) Well not only am I thriving, but I loved that little terraced house. I’ve built myself back up & I’m now with a new amazing partner in a new house, On holiday paid for by me earning more than my ex is! Cos I never needed my ex, or his money & was doing it all anyway, he needed me more than I did him. And so does your ex. Your facilitating his lifestyle of singledom while you get nothing back. It’ll be a hard 1st year but it’ll be liberating. You can do it.

@boredwfh Were you married to my ex-husband? 😆
The biggest shock for men like this is they think their wealth is all that is needed for a woman to stay. For a weak woman maybe - but not for strong ones 💪
I always think of the song "Roar" and feel great!

This sounds completely miserable. Easy to say leave but that does seem to be the only way you'll get any peace.

Do you do all his clothes washing? Perhaps you could pull back from that at least so he stops taking you completely for granted.

Some people sure do choose strange men to marry and have kids with

So nice of you to rub your perfect ‘hubby’ 🤢in OP’s face. How do you think that will help?

I'm not sure a peek into your blissfully happy homelife is going to make OP feel any better.

OP - your husband is your husband in name only, he is not behaving like one or, indeed, like a dad. He is treating you appallingly and treating home like a hotel. You know you deserve better.

@JustMe2026 Are you a SAHM? What hobbies do you have?