New to dating....

[BeautifulE10376]

My husband left me recently... It was very much out of the blue and due to feeling very low and wondering if you I would ever be able to move on, I decided to sign up to a dating app kind of to see what it was all about. I hadn't been on long and a lovely man started messaging me. I really like him and we have loads in common but how long do people chat for before they ask about meeting up...

Met my husband online on a Saturday morning. FaceTime Sunday evening and met for the first time on the Monday. It was an instant connection and we met up every spare moment we had. 3.5 years later and we are married and happy.

I would say max 2 weeks as you don’t want a penpal, you may get emotionally attached by the messages before seeing in real life if there is a connection

25 mins with wife #2

I’d get divorced first though or at least take steps

This, in spades!

How recent is 'recently' OP? You are, understandably, raw at the moment and, as an inevitable consequence, bound to be vulnerable too - please exercise caution before rushing in to a new relationship as anyone showing you attention will appear 'lovely'.

"Kidogo, kidogo" as is said in Swahili - "slowly, slowly" or " little by little"...

Oh I didn't realize I would have to get divorced before I could start dating. I guess it is very raw and probably too soon

I would say don’t think about dating until you’ve spent time alone working through any issues you have and maki g sure you’re fully healed from your divorce otherwise you’ll risk being vulnerable to the wide range of online twats.

OLD can be brutal so a thick skin and a red flag radar are essential

If the break up is recent then I wouldn't be looking to date yet - you could be taking all sorts of baggage into a potential new relationship because you haven't dealt with your grief. I know some people seem unable to be single for five minutes, but they usually make very bad choices. After my husband cheated I filed for divorce and didn't date until I had my decree nisi - it wasn't quite finished but at least prospective dates knew that I had properly checked out of my former relationship and had no intention of going back.

You don't have to get divorced first but make sure you are ready and don't rush into anything- online dating IS harsh so take it all with a pinch of salt and meet up with people as soon as you can to avoid getting stuck in a situation that's just endless messaging.

Agree. You can get on with someone really well through messaging, and build a connection, then you meet and there's nothing there.

Get the basics out of the way, and meet asap.

I agree but only because I’ve read a few posts where the OP will say something along lines of ‘since their DH left them they felt v lonely and depressed and fell into a string of bad relationships’ and I find them very sad to read as years will have gone by and the person is no better off despite dating continuously. But then you get people who have done very well after a LT split amd I always think probably part of it is them having had time to heal/be comfortable with being alone and independent.

I actually left my ex almost 2 years ago so not as bad as OPs but there was so much to unpack and healing, I’ve only started to feel strong and healed now! I know everyone is different but just be sure you’re looking to date not because you can’t stand be alone or physically need someone to prop you up. Otherwise you may be dating out of desperation which won’t necessarily yield a compatible person.

I would just be wary. While dating again may seem like a good idea, if your split really was out of nowhere, you will have a fair roller coaster of emotions ahead.
We are all different, but it might be worth just spending some time working yourself out first, getting the divorce rolling and all that sort of thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating before you are divorced, but it just may add to your turmoil

I assume from your post that this was all very recent OP so my advice, for your sake and the sake of the men you may end up dating, is to just leave it for now. Sit with your feelings, sit in the discomfort, learn to be alone and to find comfort in that. Grieve the loss of one relationship fully before you start thinking about starting another. It’s not fair on anyone, least of all you, to start things right now.

Of course you don’t have to be divorced yet. You’re separated, it’s not cheating.
but just be careful when you’re low and vulnerable you’ll be easier to take advantage of and there are a lot of bad guys on those apps too.

don’t ever send him any money or nude photos.

You don't have to get divorced before you start dating, plenty of people wait years to get divorced.
But I would wait until you're over it.

I'd also be wary of deciding people are lovely before you've really got to know them. Everyone is lovely at first. And I don't see how you can 'really like'someone after chatting to them a few times, you can't possibly know enough about them. Take it slow

Yes just remember that men are on their best behaviour during the initial few months . If you are going to proceed with dating, go slow, don’t be too invested. The first one you meet may not be “the one”.

If you just want some casual sex to prove to yourself that "i've still got it" then crack on, as long as you're happy with guys who just want to fuck once and you'll never hear from them again.

Forming a new emotional attachment is something I personally only felt ready for about 2yrs after leaving my husband.

It's not fair to use other people as an emotional sticking plaster on the raw wound that a broken marriage leaves.

There is no time limit or right or wrong. Just go with the flow. I think it helps to date again. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’ll get you through the shit of a break up. You go girl!

My brother was dating someone 4 months after his wife left him, but for 2 months she pretended she may reconcile (she didn’t) and I thought it was too soon. But 10yrs on, he is happily married (she was a work colleague he knew anyway so hadn’t just met her) and has a late life child with her, and overall seems happier than he was with his 1st wife (as is she, still happy and married to the guy she left my brother for). Just be careful as rebound relationships can be tricky, not least for the other party. And internet dating can be brutal.

When you find someone you enjoy chatting with online, meet us with them within a week / ten days. You can only establish if you have a spark face to face. Also, you get a lot more information about them than you do online. You get all the subtle body language, tone and mannerisms. Are they punctual, how they treat other people around you. Do they set up a second date? You learn things that don’t come across online that might show you that he is not someone you want to date.

Follow all the safety guidelines for meeting up and keep communication online and don’t give your phone number until after you have met.

I think the advice to wait until after your divorce is generally wise because generally people need to heal after a marriage ends, the process is not a happy time and people are often permanently altered by the experience. Waiting allows you to cope with all that without the pressure of a new relationship and without using the new man as an emotionally crutch. But it doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone.

I recommend you trawl through the relationship board for threads that are relevant to your situation. There are stacks of them and you will learn a lot about dating, divorcing and maybe even yourself.

Good luck

My now DH and I talked online for 5 months before we met up. It went from Plenty of Fish, to MSN and then texting and calling. We’re talking 15+ years ago, when we were barely 21!

I don’t think there is a time frame, talk for as long or as little as you’d like before you meet.

Personally, I’d make sure I’m divorced first and happy within myself before trying to meet someone to ‘complete’ me again. Get used to standing in your own two feet and focus on you…contrary to popular belief, the best way to get over someone is NOT to get under someone else!