Will it get easier

[Sunset216]

I split from my ex 6 months ago of 13 years (who I have 2 DC with) he text me after a petty argument to say he was leaving and not coming back as wasn’t happy. He had for 18months prior changed his job to self employed taxi driver so I worked 9-5 and he worked a late shift and every weekend so we hardly seen each other I was lonely and we did bicker as I wanted him to spend time with us at least one night a week. I look back and know that I was paying all the bills doing the house work getting dc to school and taking them out on weekend on my own. He would pick the dc up for 1 hour after school that’s all he seen them and we would live off his bare minimum income and I can see now this has all been about money and being selfish. He left went on a few dates straight away and lads holidays living like he was 21 not 41 met another person 6 weeks later moved in with her after 8 weeks as he said it made financial sense as he couldn’t afford a flat and she had offered. She signed her children over to her mum due to a DV relationship 5 years ago and works 10 hours a week in a local club he won’t tell council he has moved in as said doesn’t need to know so now lives a life of her claiming benefits and him working when he wants as he does still see dc 3 times a week so least he is but I can’t help but think how I done all the work and paying bills have a good job and how he’s left to have a happier life and I just feel like I wasn’t good enough. I am a lot better and don’t cry as much as I did and I do have more money and more freedom which he keeps telling me about but he give me that life. I just wish I didn’t give him the headspace or think about them having all these cosy nights together as no children to look after and getting bills paid for. Thanksfully he actually sees the children more now than he did but to me it seems like he is thinking he has it all. Please tell me it will get better and I will stop thinking about them as much. I am doing things like going to work going swimming doing things with dc going out with friends but my thoughts of him and her and how happy she is making him in his new life are there every day

You really don't know how happy he is in this new life or how long it will last. Of course he is going to put on a good front to you but realistically if he's a selfish arsehole he's unlikely to change his behaviour in the long term. He might be on best behaviour with her for now but he will show his true colours eventually.

If I were you I would make a conscious effort to stop yourself when your thoughts drift towards him. Do something else to distract yourself when these thoughts intrude - you need to break the habit and it takes time and effort. Fill your time with thinking about what you want out of life - new hobbies, exercise, friends, travel, volunteering, having fun with your kids - keeping busy and you will find over time that he is no longer important enough to think about.

They won’t last OP.

How has he a better life? You have the children!! Op his life sounds awful- relying on other people for everything. I know it’s lonely for adult company and solidarity, support- do you have family and friends you could chat to or meet with? Also get doing nice stuff for you, reading, watching things you like, things that make you smile, baking- start a hobby and go for walks, go places like galleries etc. you’re doing better than you think x

Not married?

@Endofyear yeah you are right I feel like if I distract myself the thoughts and feelings will come back 10x stronger if I don’t sit and think about it and get them out the way. I am doing therapy so hoping it helps soon. I know like I’m grateful he is spending time taking dc places as never done it before but can’t help feel jealous he is doing what I wanted him to do but I know he has to and has the time to do that now. I do run away with my own thoughts 🙂

@ClarissR I know they probably won’t but to me she has nobody as has no family up here and no children so is probably lonely and he was desperate for a place to stay so they probably suit each otherr

@Tryingatleast I know and I am grateful the children always want to come back earlier from being with him to see me so I take comfort in that. It’s just me separating how someone else is making him happy but I was doing everything it probably just comes down to his selfishness. Yeah I have loads of family and friends who have helped even his mum and family has really supported me. I just want the feelings of not being good enough and worthless to go away as I know I can go on to have a better life.

@UpDownAllAround1 no we weren’t married

It sounds like he's done you a massive favour OP. You've got more money left over, you get child-free time x3 per week, you've got one less to clean up after and no bickering! He, on the other hand, is a massive user who has moved on to his next meal ticket with lightning speed. Please steel yourself for the bit when he comes crawling back when the honeymoon's over and she kicks him out. Don't let him!

@FetchezLaVache ah I wouldn’t dare now I know he wouldn’t attempt to but I actually can go to the gym and see my friends and spend more on children and I haven’t done any of that for years. And he repeatedly tells me in messages that it’s ok for me I have 3 nights a week to myself and he has to work when he doesn’t have the kids. The sad thing is I would’ve just lived where I was doing everything on my own to keep the family together. I think he’s left for the life that I actually have so he is bitter

Report them to the benefits. I would.

@Isayitasitis I often think about when he makes me angry but because he had moved in and only been with her 4 weeks he wanted the dc to stay 3 nights a week and I said I think it’s too soon as my DD was still upset he had left and they said I was using the children as weapons and for control so I they would know it’s me as they already said no one needs to know he’s living there and would only be me that would report them as she doesn’t know anyone

I wouldn't report them, I wouldn't do anything to precipitate the inevitable break-up tbh. Try to keep them together for as long as possible so he remains Not Your Problem. However, I wouldn't want the DCs meeting her yet and certainly not staying overnight, it's far too soon and totally unfair on them.

@FetchezLaVache I did say that to him I said it’s too soon and it’s to benefit you and not the children but he said I was using them as a weapon and they go where he is when he has them and has nothing to do with me

He wants then half the time so does not have to pay Child maintenance. Has this been agreed?

@UpDownAllAround1 that’s exactly why he wants them but I didn’t realise that at the time until I’ve started to look back and realised everything revolves around money. I said at the time you have known her 7 weeks and moved in 2 weeks ago you hardly know her yourself never mind introducing kids and he said 7 weeks 7 months makes no difference they are going to meet her. I said when it’s longer they can and he said so how much do I need to pay and that’s when I realised it was about money not actually wanting to see them