What is reasonable to expect from friends

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

When you are going through a divorce from a verbally, physically and financially abusive husband. And they know about it?

I was really surprised at some responses of my / our so called friends.

A few gave zero support. A few sent a couple of texts and then radio silence.

Two actively chose my ex as a friend over me and were angry when I asked them why they wanted to be friends with such a character.

I would say I have 8 good friends left and have lost 10. All of these people I was in regular contact with, have always had good times with, have supported them through difficult times.

I wasn’t expecting heavy duty counselling or anything. Just check ins, chats, maintaining our friendship. Perhaps that was too much.

If any of them popped up now I would not respond. Which sounds petty and I don’t want to hurt them but they have shown me who they are and it’s not a friend.

Death and divorce are when you find out who your true friends are. Some people can't deal with the reality of abuse and for them, it's easier to live in denial. At least you know who to trust now.

Some people have so much going on in their own lives that they don’t have space for anyones else’s stuff. I don’t think it’s necessarily malicious, they are just trying to stay sane. My best friend went through a divorce, but at the same time I was dealing with the loss of my mother - not once did she ask me how I was doing, even though I was regularly checking on her. She didn’t have the mental space. I don’t hate her for it, I’m just accepting that some people have more mental energy to share than others.

I would expect them to listen, to affirm that I'm valuable and deserve better, that the future can be better.

I would expect closer friends to offer practical help like minding the children, picking them up from school, or offering a place to crash, that they would take care of the tap when we meet up, that they would meet me where I know they will pay or I can definitely afford it or it will be free eg walk in the park or at hers. I would expect that I'm not invited somewhere expensive or given expensive gifts that I can't reciprocate.

I would expect that they will strongly advise me to get legal and DV help from professionals and keep checking about this even if it feels like nagging.

I would expect that they be sensitive about not sharing their amazing relationship news, they don't have to lie and pretend to be miserable too but be sensitive about sharing it. I would expect that they wouldn't also burden me with their sad news unless it's something time sensitive like a terminal diagnosis of someone close for example. Maybe if the situation (as most divorces) have dragged on for months and HUGE happens then of course they can talk about their own issues but when in the heat and peak of my DV I would expect it to be about supporting me.

I would expect that they reach out weekly to me with a hello how are you text and try to get me to meet up once a month if feasible (distance, commitment, health etc allowing). I would expect them to forgive and understand if my responses are sometimes short or if I go quiet they don't take it as a sign to just leave me alone and give up on me.

^ this. I couldnt take on someone elses stuff. Doesnt make me a bad friend, i care about them but when you have your own stuff going on & your basket is already full its hard to take on other peoples stuff too.

I don’t think I was expecting anyone to take on my stuff.

But I was expecting them to still be there. Even if we didn’t discuss any of my stuff.

It feels very much one way. Anyway, I’m sure it’s not malicious apart from the two who actively chose my abusive ex as a friend. But it is thoughtless.

When I divorced I found many friends ditched me. IMO partly because they saw me as a threat (pathetic, I'd ditched one bastard, certainly wasn't searching for another one).
Also because deep down they knew their marriages were crap too but were living a lie, they lacked the resources to do something about it.

Stick with your real friends OP

I think most people are incapable of being genuine friends, most people are fake with each other and keep 'friendships' so they have people to invite around at big events to not seem like Billy no mates. They will come and do the fun things if you invite and pay for it but they can't/won't support much when you're in actual need of a friend. I think Western Europe is like this compared to say the Middle Eastern values of friendship. Personal boundaries, stiff upper lip and independence are more valued in Western Europe, I think so it's kind of 'foreign' and uncomfortable to be needy or sentimental. Of course not everyone, but that is my general observation.

A woman who i was extremely close to divorced her husband, who was long term best friends with my husband. We tried to hard to keep the friendship going but her need to constantly refer back to/bring up her ex/divorce was draining.
It was exhausting, even when she got a new relationship it was constantly seeking reassurance and wanting to chat. In the end I just stepped back completely.

This is really insightful. But I don’t think it applies to all of my friends.

Ok but this is not what I do. At the height of the terrible crisis perhaps I would have needed to talk about it but I certainly don’t talk at all much sbout it now. If it all actually.

This is really sad. I like to think I am a real friend. Perhaps I am not and need to evaluate. Perhaps that’s why my friends disappeared.