My Boyfriend Found Out His Presents Early

[GrinchWithAConscience]

I carefully chose presents for my boyfriend, things I thought he would genuinely like. But he found out what they were early, and it’s like he is trying to find an issue with them. He is autistic

It’s 3am but we’ve just had an argument about it. He went on a tangent about how his mum and other relatives gave him thoughtless gifts.

we have just had an argument and now it’s 3am. During the argument, he told me he hates it when anyone buys him gifts and said I shouldn’t have bought him anything at all. I’m thinking I might just donate them to a charity shop because he wouldn’t care if I sent them back anyway but it just feels like such a waste.

Going to sleep now, will come back in the morning.

Sounds very childish tbh. Just take them back and get a refund and don't bother.

Adults worry about this shit two months before Christmas?

If he wouldn't care if you sent them back then do just that. Exchange token presents rather than trying to choose things that are expensive and 'thoughtful' that are probably nothing of the sort unless they are exactly what he wants, which they won't be unless he tells you exactly what he wants, which means it's not a gift, it's just making buying your own stuff a lot more complicated than it needs to be because instead of deciding you need something and buying it, you get into a whole charade of sending each other links and making lists and 'buying them for each other for Christmas'. Makes no sense.

Take them back and get yourself something.
Don't let him do this where you're on eggshells trying to please him.
No more gifts going forward. Or better still, no more him!

I'm diagnosed autistic
I am not good with surprises ..I can never get my face to make the correct expression to keep everyone happy .so if I don't like something it shows .
I once really upset my adult daughter because she bought me a very expensive gift ..and instead of being happy ,I'm was upset she had wasted her money on me .
I take photos of exactly what I would like and I send it to my husband who then buys and wraps the gifts ..so no more upset with gift giving.
But ,now I also tightly control my face as I'm opening a gift ,and make sure I've got the correct expression ready .

Managing your autism in a relationship,is difficult.. because you often don't know your triggers untill they happen.
Sounds like your bf had a miserable time in the past with gifts from his parents.
Definitely take the gifts back and get a refund
I get that you wanted to be appericated with the gifts ,and to show him how much you care by buying them ...
But that's clearly not what he needs .
Trial and error really.
My son's are autistic too
My eldest would always take his wrapped Christmas and birthday presents in to his room and not actually open them for months...but that's fine ..the demands of the day was to much for him ..he didn't like being watched opening them either ..some years he didn't manage to eat the Christmas dinner with us either ..and ate alone after we finished.
My other son couldn't eat the Christmas dinner and had a raw carrot and packet of crisps for Christmas dinner for years ..but at least he was able to sit at the table with us.
Christmas can be a tricky time for us autstics ..it's the demands placed on us and the changes in routine..
Lots of communication ( not our strongest point) but keep talking to your bf ,he's not doing this on purpose x

Well I'm autistic and it makes me cringe when autism is used as an excuse for an adult behaving like a spoilt brat.

No-one is " entitled " to presents.
He should be grateful that OP cares enough about him to want to give him a present.

And if this is how he behaves I think OP should seriously consider whether she wants to spend her time appeasing someone who has tantrums when things don't go the way he wants.

This is why in my family we just ask "what would you like for Christmas this year?"
Talk to him and say that you thought he might like what you have bought but if he really doesn't then what would he like as a gift.
If he says he doesn't want anything then respect that.

It's more of a concern to me that he started a tangential argument at 3am. It's reasonable to tell someone that you don't want them to buy you gifts in future, but this should be done in a polite manner at a sensible time.

Your boyfriend needs to work on coping strategies if he is triggered by something, he can't go on treating you (or others) like this. I understand that his neurodivergence might make it hard for him not to express what he is feeling at the exact moment he is feeling it, but there are ways of coping with this - writing it down instead, for example.

As far as the gifts go, if he doesn't want them, return, donate or give them to someone else. Don't buy him gifts in the future - you could always give him money so he can choose what he wants.

If he can't control his urge to have you up at 3am on a weeknight, arguing about something which is by no means an urgent matter of life or death, you should consider whether you want a future with him in the long term.

My partner has autism and he hates birthdays and Christmas, after 14 years I know this and respect his wishes not to have presents, why didn't you just respect him from the get go?

Me and DH don’t buy each other gifts, because why would we guess what each other wants and maybe get it wrong when we could just treat ourselves to what we want and not risk wasting money. We both have a splurge on treating ourselves at Christmas and birthdays on things we wouldn’t normally buy and honestly it’s so more successful then opening a necklace that’s nice but not one I would’ve chosen and was excessively expensive.

If you can’t understand that an autistic person might struggle with a long build up, anticipating, panic and worry about receiving gifts then you are spectacularly lacking in awareness. Is not “ungrateful” or “spoilt” to not like or enjoy surprises. And it’s exactly page saying that sorry of stuff that have created this issue in the guest place. If you genuinely 100% want to give a person a gift then you shouldn’t care how they react ( especially if you know they are autistic). But the simple truth is that most people buy gifts because THEY get pleasure from giving and seeing the persons reaction play out. And that is not genuinely altruistic now is it?

@AmethystAnnotation sometimes when someone with Autism (not all obviously but some) have something on their mind that they are uncomfortable with it will stress them out so much that it's all they can think about - including at 3am.
He probably was uncomfortable with the gifts and his brain wouldn't shut off trying to think of a solution.
That's how the autistic brain works sometimes.

I'm well aware of it, which is why I said he needs to practice coping strategies.

Irrespective of the reason, I honestly could not put up with someone who created an argument late at night about a gift bought for them. How long have you been together? Is it always this difficult?

His being autistic shouldn’t trump your feelings. You don’t have to put up and shut up so as not to hurt his feelings.

You spent time and effort in choosing gifts for him and no doubt enjoyed doing so and imagined him being pleased to open them at Christmas.

Then he comes along and spoils it and is nasty to you.

Do you really want a lifetime of this? Having your feelings invalidated because his feelings must come first?

I would reconsider this relationship as it’s the pattern for the future which sounds awful.

Get a refund or exchange for the gifts ans spend the money on you.

You make him.sound like a child excited about Christmas! He is an adult and should long be past getting excited and
anticipating presents.

A child making a fuss over receiving a present they don't like would be considered spoilt. And an adult castigating someone for giving them a present they don't like is rude and unpleasant behaviour.

If you get a present you don't like you say thank you. And put it to one side. That is good manners.

Personally I find receiving presents excruciatingly embarrassing but I hope I have the good manners to try and mask that and just say thank you.

OP can look.forward to a lot of occasions being spoilt in the future if sha stays with this guy. She will never be able to do right for doing wrong.

How long have you been together? Is this the first time of gift buying? If you hate gifts and surprises, it seems a bit foolish to go into a romantic relationship without saying this at an early stage. Perhaps he would have broached it nearer to Christmas. You are both going to have to sit down and work out some communication and coping strategies if you are committed to this relationship.

"Carefully chosen" surprise gifts (or any surprise tbh) are always much more about the giver than the receiver IMO. Some of your recipients might be better at receiving them than others, but I'd bet that only about 10% max are genuine hits.

Would you prefer he lied to you about loving them?

If you genuinely want to get someone a present they love, ask them what they want....and if they tell you they don't like presents/surprises, believe them.

Yes but also from the other side the OP needs to understand how he feels.
His coping strategy is to not want suprise gifts.
Again this is why in my family we just ask the simple question of "what would you like for Christmas this year".
Half the "crap gifts" Christmas threads on Mumsnet could disappear if people just talked to and asked each other.

Take the presents back and get a refund.

My child with ASD dislikes surprise presents. It's very very rare that an unexpected present is liked. We very much stay to what she asks for or give cash.

It does somewhat take the fun out of gift giving.

How long have you been together? Think carefully as to whether he is a good match for you and the right long term partner because he won't change.

He was rude to complain and argue with you. Having ASD doesn't mean he is unable to be polite and act grateful even if it's masking.

Do you really want or need a boyfriend like this? Who on earth has an argument at 3 o'clock in the morning about presents he's been bought? He's just trying to pick a fight and I really don't think you need that in your life.

I would say when he calms down. “You said you hate getting presents. Is that the truth, or is it more complex than that?” and then I would listen.

Is it possible that he hates buying presents, and receiving gifts just increases the pressure about getting it wrong? This is how I feel- gift exchange used as a hoop to make someone jump through.

When you say you chose “carefully”, what does that actually mean?

@SpringSummerAutumn

you know when somebody says “I need to talk to you next week “ and nothing else? You know how for some people that spirals into crazy territory as you have no idea what you are walking into? Issas it/bad/awful? For some pec that’s exactly what it’s like with presents. They don’t do well with uncertainty and the longer that uncertainty is stretched out, the wiser they react. I’m sorry you can’t understand that.

EXACTLY!!!! Soo many men use autism as a reason they are abusive to women and blame the women for their behaviour and the autism but never take responsibility for their own actions!

My daughter is autistic and gifts are a big issue for her - she puts on her game face, is polite and says thank you but birthdays and Christmas cause her huge amounts of stress and keeps her awake for weeks

I think you need to have a chat and work out how to manage gift giving moving forward.

With DD we tend to avoid surprises, we let her give us a list of things she would like but we pick from the list. Try and manage gift opening so she’s not sat there with us all staring at her.

It does take some of the fun out of gift giving, but it’s not all about me and I prefer to come up with strategies so we can all have a good day