Don’t want to rekindle relationship but upset how things ended

[winterscomings]

I was with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and we broke up last week. There were a few issues, but the main one was that he could be, imo, manipulative at times. For example, whenever I disagreed with him or had my own thoughts, he would express doubts about our relationship and say he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay with me. This happened about 3 or 4 times throughout the year. He only brought it up during disagreements, and I think it was his way of trying to scare me into keeping my mouth shut and just agreeing with him. It happened again last week, and I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship where I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or share my feelings. I told him it was over. This all happened last Thursday.

I've been feeling down the past few days and cried a little. I miss him, but I also feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel a sense of relief and my anxiety has just disappeared. I've had time to reflect on other issues that bothered me in the relationship, and honestly, I think we’re better off apart. Even though I miss spending time with him and hearing his voice, I have no desire to get back together. I feel okay being on my own and have no interest in dating, at least for now anyway. The only thing that’s bothering me is that he never replied to my message when I told him it was over. I didn’t expect him to chase after me or anything, but it does upset me that he didn’t even respond with a simple “all the best” or something along those lines. We were together for nearly a year, and he just read my message and ignored me. Not even a goodbye? Maybe it’s for the best, as it shows he doesn’t care about me, and I’m better off without him? That’s how I’m trying to look at it, but it still hurts. I don’t want to be with him, so why is this bothering me so much?

My friend said that there’s no way she could have resisted messaging him and giving him abuse. I don’t see the point in that though

I get this, I suppose it might feel a little invalidating. Any chance it could have scratched away at an existing insecurity by him not chasing? We are complicated creatures, I’ve had this feeling in the past, too, so you aren’t alone there

I wouldn't read too much into it. He's probably hurting too (or at least his ego will be).
As long as you're happy to be out of the relationship and content to be on your own for the time being I really wouldn't worry about the lack of response, it could mean many different things so why sweat it? It probably doesn't mean what you think it means.

I think possibly he knows he's lost all power over you now he doesn't have his trump card to play. He sounds like an unkind man and the more time you have the more you'll see that and feel even more sure you did the right thing. It is hard, because you miss the company and the good things about them, but you know the bad outweighed the good. The fact your anxiety is gone is a huge sign you did the right thing. Time will help.
I also think, to generalise, men won't want or need the "closure" women do, they don't want to discuss it. He's done you a favour by accepting it and not reacting badly, having him argue or be angry would be worse than this. Try enjoy the peace, and look after yourself. Well done for doing a hard thing.

Don’t get in contact. He’s hoping his lack of response will give you time to
miss him and you’ll try to make up with him because you realise you have over reacted / were in the wrong.
if you get back with him, this will be the pattern. He will never say sorry and just go cold on you and try to make you feel bad. Leave him be! And enjoy your own company / or someone new!

It sounds like your ego just wants a message from him but if you ultimately feel relief and your anxiety is better, that’s all you need to know. It sounds like you did the right thing. Just let him deal with his feelings now and move on.

It's the only control he has left. It's a power play. You feel bad cos his lack of response is a really shitty thing to do to another person - especially someone you've been close to for a year.

If he had messaged you 'all the best' or something else this would have been the action of a non shitty person!

Definitely sounds like you did the right thing. It is OK to mourn the end of a relationship and miss him, definitely doesn't mean you should get back together though of course (as you say yourself). You sound really sensible and strong.

I wouldn't worry about the lack of response from him..I can see why you ended it by text, but equally if you end a relationship by text (for very understandable reasons) I think you have to realise you won't necessarily get the same closure as you would probably would face to face. On the other hand you may have saved yourself a very nasty response from him, so I say you probably made a good call if he was manipulative. He may also be hurt too/injured pride, you don't know why he didn't respond, but I might be thankful not to have to deal with any response from him.

Move on so you can have the life (and if you want one partner) you deserve.

If you're worried, you could ask a mutual friend. But did you say you messaged him it was over. Sorry, but I'm not quite sure as you said you told him Thursday, but he didn't reply to your message.
If you ended it by message, he might well be hurt that you didn't speak to him. Yes, obviously we all have the legal right to do that, but after a year, if a man had broken up with me via text I'd not have replied. If you did speak to him, fair enough, but he probably shouldn't message you if you told him, as that could be seen as him not respecting it's over.
Either way, I'd leave it, if you don't want to get back with him, nothing good will come of contacting him again.

I wouldn’t chase him or check on him or anything like that. I do however think he will be in touch at some point.

It sounds like you are in a better place without him.

My ex was a lot like him and I am stuck with him forever as he’s my child’s father. They don’t improve or get nicer. He won’t give you closure you need to give that to yourself. And all of these bastards are really nice on some days. Write a list of all the mean things he did on your phone and add to it as you remember things, then read that if you get romantic thoughts about him.

It sounds like you dumped him with a text rather than had a conversation? I think that’s cowardly OP. You don’t know what he’s feeling because it wasn’t face-to-face, even if the overall break-up is for the greater good.

@winterscomings its just another of his games . He will be punishing you for standing up for yourself . He will be back as he won’t for one minute believe you mean what you have said.
I mean think of it this way , isn’t that what he does when things don’t go his own way .

Oh god please do not go fishing for “closure” from this guy. Get some self respect and mirror his response to you. Cut him dead.

You say you don’t want to re start things but I’d bet £1,000 that deep down you’d wish he would see the error of his ways.

I’ve been where you are, feeling seriously disgruntled that someone so important to me could just cut me dead. It was a massive wake up call. I was wanting validation from him that I was worthwhile. You don’t need this, cos you’re worth plenty without this manipulative dropkick!

And yes, he will 100% attempt “the hoover” at some point - google it. It’s a strategy to catch your attention again and make him feel like he really IS important and you’re still pining for him. Can I tell you, rejecting the hoover call/text/whatsapp is very empowering - dont get sucked back in, even if not into a relationship, into the machine feeding this knobhead’s fragile sense of self. Save your energy for you and much nicer men who actually like and respect you.

Two things can be true:

1. It's understandable and not bad or weak of you to want a response to and acknowledgement of something that was so difficult for you to do. You (while knowing it was the right choice) had a lot of sadness and anxiety over this decision and it's normal to want to know that the end of the relationship is also sad for him.
2. He doesn't owe you a response to your message dumping him.

What's important is that you don't get drawn back into this. You have made your decision and said your piece, so there is nothing further to discuss. Don't chase him for a response, and if he does belatedly reach out trying to hook you back in you should ignore him.

Feel all the mixed feelings. Grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted it to be and the good parts of what it was, be proud of yourself for making a hard but wise and healthy decision, and work on moving on.

After a year, I would expect a break up to happen either face to face or over the telephone - but this is really only ok if a face to face meeting isn't possible.

I think he is probably trying to manipulate you into changing your mind by not replying. It's a power play as pp have said. Accept you won't get a respectful response out of him and move on. And try to break up in person next time.

I’d be upset with you for ending by text. Anyway, block him and move on. Cuffing season soon

Dumping someone by text is minimum effort and he responded with minimum effort. Don’t be sad about it just move on

There’s nothing wrong with breaking up shorter relationship via text. It’s the simplest way. I’ve done both before and the ones I told face to face kept messaging me afterwards until I had to do it again via text. Obviously I ended my long marriage face to face but that’s different.
You’re going through a grieving process even though you ended it. Be kind to yourself and aware that how you feel will change. Don’t go back or be tempted to message or he’ll pull you back into the same dynamic you left.

Did you expect him to argue with you? Try to get you to not break up? It wasn't a long term relationship.

You broke up with him for good reason. Why would you feel hurt about him not texting back? He took you at your word.

I think your friend is a bit unhealthy if she would text someone an abusive text for going on their way after being dumped. That's immature and manipulative trying to get a response.

This I am afraid.

I’m honestly still astounded that you’re upset he didn’t wish you all the best after dumping him with a text.

I think you might not have heard the last from him.