How do I keep getting burned?

Shitendofthestick · 2025-10-22T20:54:51+00:00

35 been in 3 long term relationships since I was 18. Last one ended a year ago with a DC after 10 years together, dv and control from him, got out not long after having DC after things got worse. ExH has now told me he has a girlfriend and I'm absolutely broken. I left the relationship but I'm just looking back at my love life like what the actual fuck. All 3 relationships were punching with me but have all moved on quickly whilst I've been left heartbroken each time. No. 1 was a drug addict musician not a looker, No. 2 no job, not intelligent, bit of a chav and No. 3 ambitious but psychotic abuser. Like I know I'm the problem for setting my bar low in the first place! I don't want to repeat patterns but I am scared I'm such an awful judge of character. I truly believe not having a dad around may be why I've chosen unsuitable men when I could have had my pick of any man in my 20's and I gave up the chance with suitable and lovely guys. I didn't even pick the bad boys, I picked the ones I clicked with. All were so different but all I 'helped' and turned into better people in some way and they've not benefited me at all. I've poured so much into them and now I'm 35 with little prospects. Argh I'm so annoyed with myself and sad for a future alone because I'm clearly a terrible judge of character.

Sodthesystem · 22/10/2025 22:22

Abusive men usually move on fast as they are narcissist and need supply.

'35 with little prospects'. Nah don't be silly. Also...that sort of implies that the goal of life is men. All partners are is company and a little spice.

You have kids too so it's not like you need to worry about that side of things.

Really, your life is looking up. You're free. You're young. You don't need to 'settle' to have kids (not that anyone should do that anyway).

The glass isn't half empty. It's half full.

But I think you need to de-center men. 3 mistakes were enough. Time to be single and start finding out what brings you joy.

Original poster

Shitendofthestick · 22/10/2025 22:39

Sodthesystem · 22/10/2025 22:22

Abusive men usually move on fast as they are narcissist and need supply.

'35 with little prospects'. Nah don't be silly. Also...that sort of implies that the goal of life is men. All partners are is company and a little spice.

You have kids too so it's not like you need to worry about that side of things.

Really, your life is looking up. You're free. You're young. You don't need to 'settle' to have kids (not that anyone should do that anyway).

The glass isn't half empty. It's half full.

But I think you need to de-center men. 3 mistakes were enough. Time to be single and start finding out what brings you joy.

Edited

Thank you so much, that's really brought me some peace. I only have one DC who is my absolute world, but I really want/ed more but the clock is ticking. My exh alienated me from my friends and I only have 2 remaining and both now live abroad. I have no time to get out as exh sees DC for 2hrs a week supervised. I just feel like the 2.4 family I dreamed of is so far away now. DC is super little still so I just suppose I feel a little bit upset that even an abuser like him can move on and I'm unable to emotionally but also I don't have the time or luxury. I'm so grateful for my DC but I can't shake the loneliness.

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Endofyear · 22/10/2025 22:45

OP 35 is still young. You have answered your own question here - you need to work on yourself. You need to access some therapy and look at why you've chosen men who are damaged. It's not your job to fix the man you're in a relationship, make them better, help them or make them better people. Stay single for a while and work on your self esteem so that next time you choose a healthy, well-adjusted partner.

lovecookiedough · 22/10/2025 23:26

Just want to say you’re not the only one, many have also gone through failed relationships, it would be rare to only have one relationship that lasts until you die these days. I think in hindsight if only I followed my intuition and saved so much time, but nothing can be done about the past, all we can do is put what we learnt to good use in future, if it means being single a while then so be it, better to be choosy and wait for the right one then rush into the next.

SucksToBeYou · 22/10/2025 23:44

Oh darling, 35 is still so young!

You need to take some time by yourself for a while, and consider what is really important to you in any future relationship. You have identified that you have often opted for men that need "fixing". That is the first thing you need to change.

I used to be much the same. I dated men that had less money than me, lesser prospects of success than me, and then the relationship ended and they moved on, while I was left brokenhearted and wondering why.

I am now very happily married to a wonderful man who would move heaven and earth for me. I stopped giving men a "chance" that werent what I wanted or needed. I stopped thinking, oh he would be great, if only X, Y and Z, maybe I could help him change that. I realised that I needed to find a man with his life together, that could build a shared life with me on an equal footing.

You can carry on doing what you have always done, and get the same results that you have always gotten. Or you can change your approach, and go for something better. The choice is yours.

Original poster

Shitendofthestick · 23/10/2025 21:33

Endofyear · 22/10/2025 22:45

OP 35 is still young. You have answered your own question here - you need to work on yourself. You need to access some therapy and look at why you've chosen men who are damaged. It's not your job to fix the man you're in a relationship, make them better, help them or make them better people. Stay single for a while and work on your self esteem so that next time you choose a healthy, well-adjusted partner.

Thank you and you're right. The last relationship with a fully fledged narcissist has tipped me over the edge. The behaviour I was exposed to during those 10 years has left me deeply traumatised and I honestly don't know how I ended up in that situation some times. I have had some therapy but trying to access more.

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Original poster

Shitendofthestick · 23/10/2025 21:37

lovecookiedough · 22/10/2025 23:26

Just want to say you’re not the only one, many have also gone through failed relationships, it would be rare to only have one relationship that lasts until you die these days. I think in hindsight if only I followed my intuition and saved so much time, but nothing can be done about the past, all we can do is put what we learnt to good use in future, if it means being single a while then so be it, better to be choosy and wait for the right one then rush into the next.

Yes, I can't settle for my usual awful type especially now I have DC. I don't know how I allowed myself to put up with this terrible behaviour and sometimes I feel like maybe I should have just stayed as the loneliness is crippling at times but also I'm a good person, better than them and yet they treated me badly especially no. 3 and our DC.

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Original poster

Shitendofthestick · 23/10/2025 21:41

SucksToBeYou · 22/10/2025 23:44

Oh darling, 35 is still so young!

You need to take some time by yourself for a while, and consider what is really important to you in any future relationship. You have identified that you have often opted for men that need "fixing". That is the first thing you need to change.

I used to be much the same. I dated men that had less money than me, lesser prospects of success than me, and then the relationship ended and they moved on, while I was left brokenhearted and wondering why.

I am now very happily married to a wonderful man who would move heaven and earth for me. I stopped giving men a "chance" that werent what I wanted or needed. I stopped thinking, oh he would be great, if only X, Y and Z, maybe I could help him change that. I realised that I needed to find a man with his life together, that could build a shared life with me on an equal footing.

You can carry on doing what you have always done, and get the same results that you have always gotten. Or you can change your approach, and go for something better. The choice is yours.

Thank you so much, this has given me such hope. I am an empath and always the one everyone turns to in a crisis but when I look around, no one is there for me. I've really done well since leaving my abusive exh, new home, job, training etc. Yet I'm so miserable being alone without friends and a partner to share the wonderful experiences I have with DC. Sometimes I wonder if I had friends if I wouldn't be so concerned about having a partner.

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Original poster

Shitendofthestick · 23/10/2025 21:43

When I met exh he was starting his own business, I sacrificed so much to help him and now my career is starting from the bottom again and his is flourishing and now he has a new gf and I'm not one to be jealous over anything but I'm just so frustrated that life hasn't changed for him.

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GelatoForMe · 23/10/2025 22:07

At least you had marriages, a child etc. 35 is too young
I lived life from 18 to 35. Tried few relationships, married the last....

was religiously careful that I don't end up with abusive man so I never ever did. But not everyone is that interested in their own safety so I suppose I am an exception even though I come from a family where the man was horrible, horrible...my life goal was not to repeat my mother's situation

justsurvivingnotthriving · 23/10/2025 22:20

You sound a lot like me OP! I’m a couple of years older, have limited free time due to DCs and a useless ex husband. I feel like I’ve become a magnet for men who just take my kindness for weakness.

Im really trying now to take the spotlight away from meeting someone again and just try and focus on me. I’ve achieved so much to be proud of; a home for me and the children, a good career etc… so while the nights do feel lonely at times, I don’t think I have it in me to get hurt again by another man, so I am taking a bit of a step back and letting the universe decide for me.

(Probably be back browsing the dating apps within a month 😉 but hey ho!)

HelenSkeleton · 23/10/2025 22:37

Shitendofthestick · 23/10/2025 21:43

When I met exh he was starting his own business, I sacrificed so much to help him and now my career is starting from the bottom again and his is flourishing and now he has a new gf and I'm not one to be jealous over anything but I'm just so frustrated that life hasn't changed for him.

I know what you mean. I had a relationship with a guy at 20. I didn't realise he was a player. When he messed me about and flaunted other women I thought it was that I wasn't good enough. It was just that I wasn't clued up enough.

He's now a millionaire and his wife is beautiful. But he's tried it on with me and another ex. I feel sorry for his wife.

Original poster

Shitendofthestick · 25/10/2025 13:37

justsurvivingnotthriving · 23/10/2025 22:20

You sound a lot like me OP! I’m a couple of years older, have limited free time due to DCs and a useless ex husband. I feel like I’ve become a magnet for men who just take my kindness for weakness.

Im really trying now to take the spotlight away from meeting someone again and just try and focus on me. I’ve achieved so much to be proud of; a home for me and the children, a good career etc… so while the nights do feel lonely at times, I don’t think I have it in me to get hurt again by another man, so I am taking a bit of a step back and letting the universe decide for me.

(Probably be back browsing the dating apps within a month 😉 but hey ho!)

Your username is literally my mantra. I really want to practise self love but it's so hard when I don't even have the time to brush my hair most days. I am not going back on the dating apps, the men are there are on there because they are actually vile, not because they have been with narcissistic people and are now single.

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