Please help me stop - curse the internet and Facebook

[marycontrary]

I am so embarrassed about this that I have name changed.... never ever felt the need to before.

I recently found my exboyfriends sister on Facebook and looked though her friends to see if the person who he left me for was in her friends (well I left him but because of this) and she was I then looked through her friends until I found a pic of her and they have children, which I know shouldnt bother me as i have children and am happily married. The thing is he never admitted about her and denyied it forever so I just had to know (even tho his family had told me at the time). anyway I requested his sister as a friend and immediately regretted it, cos i thought it isnt like we can actually be friends.

She accepted and emailed me to say hi, so sent a friendly one back.

Today I have become like a stalker and looked him up on the electoral roll and joined a random site so I could see what job he does and the company he works for. I have gone onto his sisters profile so many times today and looked at her pics.

I know it is nutty, ridiculous and silly. I would be mortified if someone done this to me.

Can someone please just tell me something that will manke me stop.

His sister and I were good friends and did stay in contact for a while after so it isnt completely off the wall for us to email.

Also, I feel unrationally upset that they are still together - we broke up 9 years ago.

"I know it is nutty, ridiculous and silly. I would be mortified if someone dones this to me"

Well, it didn't help that the sister and then this other lady hasn't her facebook settings set so that you couldn't have looked through her friends first before requesting the sister as a friend!

Does part of you still wonder 'what if' (that's if you had stayed together? I know you say you have children and are happily married but think many people get a bit curious from time to time on people from the past and what they are up to.

If you don't like the result of your actions, stop! sorry nothing more to really add, but if it makes you upset, then don't do it.

I always wonder about ex's and have resisted the lure of Facebook etc for this very reason.
It is natural to be curious, but you do seem to be making yourself upset. Is there more to this? Are you unhappy? Does it still feel like "unfinished" business?

Woulds you stop if I told you if he gets wind of this he will blow up like a big baffoon with an ego the size of Japan that you still think of him?

Notabanana.. that is so funny.

I think it is just cos I never knew for sure cos he never told me and maintained till the end that it was me he wanted blah blah, so in that sense it feels unfinished...

I am really happy with DH the funny thing is we had a really hard time about a year ago and the ex never entered my head and now DH and I are the happiest we have ever been and now I am thinking of him. Frankly he was a right git towards the end so just cant undertstand the obsession I seem to have at the moment.

Mary - I have friends who randomly ring exes phones every now and then just "because" - not loads, just once a year or something, we are just curious by nature and people always wonder what might have been.

Dont stress too much, but i would focus on chatting to the sister and forget about him. I suspect you are unlikely to be friends in RL so a few emails is harmless.

I think this is normal, to be honest.
I had a similar thing happen with a guy I liked who I talked to online. Very briefly; we chatted a lot, on the phone & via email, and he said lots of romantic things. I left my boyfriend of a few months because of what he said, and liking him so much. He then admitted he had a girlfriend.

More than a year later, I still look at his photos and his gf's photos online, out of curiosity. At first I was upset though, and it really hurt me to see pics of them together because of the way he was so deceptive to me (and to her, of course). I thought he was a right wanker. As time has passed, my feelings have changed, and this is mainly due to there being no unsaid things that I need to tell him bottled up - they've kind of ebbed away.

I think its the element of untruth that still causes you to get obsessive and track his stuff online. It might be that you want some acknowledgment that, yes, he did like her, and there was something there even when he denied it. Feeling hurt that they are still together 9 years on is just part of that, it makes his lies smart all the more, and that can be very hurtful, even though it was a long time ago. Its like highlighting the massive difference between what he said and what has happened. "nothing happened between us" turns into them having a pretty long relationship. It's easy to see why you are kinda rattled by that... As lies go, it's a whopper!

If there is no way of talking to him and getting him to admit the truth (seems like it might be a bit late for that) I would advise writing down what you'd like to say to him, and burning it. Or talking to him in your head and venting those feelings of hurt and anger at how he treated you. Then you may find the urge to look him up lessens a bit.
Hope you're doing alright!
Vicky
x

I do understand as I have unfinished business but what i did nearly ended my marriage so be very careful.

Cheerful i think i might try and have the convo in my head... that makes sense. I think you are right it is the untruths that is the problem...

I dont actually have any urge to see him or speak to him or anything though.

It is just so obsessive, I even had a dream that my DH was having an affair with his DP and then we were having a counter affair and like I said DH and I are the best we have ever been.

NotaBanana that is what i worry about a silly online thing that doesnt even technically involve ex gettign in the way with DH - I couldnt bare that.

Oh now you've made me go and google my ex's and I'm supposed to be working...

They've all either got fat or become accountants. So, phew, no stalking from me, my marriage is still safe No, seriously, please don't anyone take offence if you're a fat accountant, I'm being facetious!

Seriously I think we all look occasionally to see what they're doing. But step awaaay from the electoral roll, and any other stalker-like activity. Plan a surprise for your DH and use up all this anticipatory energy in a way that will be helpful to your marriage.

Facebook is a nightmare!!! It's the friends reunited of ten years ago and will probably be the cause of so many relationship splits!Have had to stop myself from looking up exes in obsessive manner! (PLUS feeling as if am sad loser cos everyone else appears to have millions of friends and I don't!)(And very exciting glamourous lives by the look of the pictures....NOT that I am jealous/bitter/bothered at all...!)My BF who is single has now had two disasterous flings with ex boyfriends from years ago - who she found on facebook - she has now left because it is driving her crazy!! Anyway -think is TOTALLY normal to look things up. Well everyone I know is doing it!

uh-oh, i do a bit of this as well. i'm sure it's normal (?)

thank god 192.com is so bloomin expensive, if it was free like facebook i would be like glenn close in fatal attraction/jennifer jason leigh in single white female, etc etc

it's an escape from crap reality, isn't it? as long as you don't actually wait outside their house or workplace i think it's fine

Message withdrawn

I got in touch with two XPs I had lost touch with through facebook and it was great all round, going for drinks, meeting the fiancee of the one I hadn't seen in 20 years, being back in touch with the one who I was friends with since his marriage anyway and all of us having a fab day out with our DC...
I have looked up a couple of enemies on there and seen what they are up to as well but not made contact, eeww.

i have done this although i have a dd with my ex and have never seen him since i told him i was pg so i have a really really good excuse imo anyway

unfortunately he has a facebook account but all it shows is his name and dob! it is not a private profile he has just set one up and never bothered using it again. must be coz the a*hole has no friends! or at least that is what i tell myself

Thanks Ladies.... feel a little more normal now. Feel relaxed about it all today. His sister has emailed again and we just had catch up type stuff, and mentioned very casually about her brother, but in conjunction with asking how everyone was.

Not gonna wait outside his house or anything... just felt crazy obsessive when i looked at Linkedin and now know what company he works for.... but I am telling myself just wanted to see if he was doing well... as there was a rumour a good few years ago about drugs etc.

I guess we all get curious... and feel quite back to normal now... for the moment anyway.

did you manage to get it all into perspective