I need an outside view

[OneHangryTealSheep]

Where to start

So, My GF of 7 years went on a girl's holiday clubbing to Spain last year all was fine until she got back.
I decided to wash her clothes from her suitcase and found 6 condoms I was devastated to say the least this was compounded by the fact I had been cheated on in past relationships.
I have trust issues due to past experiences so am a little more suspicious of things than the next guy.
All I could think about was how could she cheat on me we have a toddler together and I look after them well.
So, I confronted her about the condoms initially she said they were probably our old ones we used a few years ago.
I told her that I had checked the use by date and that this was recently made.
She then said she panicked and said that apparently, they were her friends and in the rush to pack when leaving the holiday, they ended up in her bag.
I found photos of her with a couple of lads and her friends when on holiday asked her about them and she said they had met them at a few different clubs as they were in the same hotel and with some girls they had met and kept in touch with.
So eventually things calmed down after a few weeks, and I decided to give her the benefit of doubt as I didn't have any concrete evidence anything happened.
After that once every couple of months her and her friends would meet up with the girls from the holiday went to clubs and stopped away for the night contacting me when getting back to the hotel.
I asked her if they were meeting the guys from the holiday as I found out one lived close by, she said they had no contact and that they wouldn't be meeting.

Turns out they had added each other on social media. When confronted about this she removed them.
I was triggered by what happened on the holiday so before she went to the club I asked her for the address of her hotel and later that night checked her google timeline and she was stopping at another Airbnb so checked her email and found a receipt for this Airbnb that her gps location showed why she lied about this I don't know.

I asked her about it, and she was adamant that she stopped at the address she gave me but I didn't tell her I knew she didn't but it still makes no sense to me why she would lie about it.

I asked her what she did at the clubs and she said they just danced and had one or 2 drinks.
After another club visit I checked her bag and found a couple of bags of coke and pills I know I shouldn't snoop and feel bad about it but with everything that had gone on, I felt justified.
Under normal circumstances I wouldn't mind the occasional drug use but she has a medical reason why she shouldn't do it now and she told the councillor that she wouldn't do drugs because her health/medical stuff and the kids.
So, she lied to me and the councillor
Anyway fast forward to last month and her and the girls went to ibiza for a few days holiday clubbing.
I felt ok about it but then got a phone call off one of the girls she went withs BF he said he thought something was going on and that they were lying and taking drugs. Now this guy is paranoid at the best of times I don't know him that well met a few times and their relationship has been on and off for years. I shared a little information but nothing about the condoms and drugs as I didn't want to stir any shit.
Anyway he said he had been wanting to talk to me about it since the first holiday.
He wanted me to contact the other girl they were with husband and tell him what we thought and our suspicions.

I said I couldn't do that as it was not my place and suggested he didn't do it either.
He wanted to setup a meeting with all of us to discuss it and I said this would be a bad idea as it would get heated quick and damage every ones relationship.
I snooped again I feel bad about it but the fact she has lied previously made me feel I had to.
I found a video of the guys from the first holiday at a club with them in Ibiza.I didnt tell the guy who called me.
So when she got back I confronted her about it and she said they didn't see them. I said I had proof and did not want to embarrass her calling her out on a lie.
I said that if she didnt tell me the truth then I would let both BF’s and GF’s know everything i knew as I didnt have anything to lose at this point.
Eventually she admitted they bumped into them in a club.
She said the girls they met at the previous holiday sold the lads their holiday as they couldn't go and she didnt know the lads were going which to me was a massive coincidence same part of the island same date?

I told my gf that I had been speaking to the friends BF as he had contacted me and she went mad and demanded I stop speaking to him as he liked to stir shit.
We went to councelling and the councillor said I should accept she hadnt done anything wrong apart from lieing and that we should just drop it in a nut shell.
I was told by the councillor to not speak to the other BF's as it would just cause more trouble and that our relationship was nothing to do with them.
She also said we should not lie to each other and be open and transparent which I have been doing not sure if she has.
So I started feeling a bit better about it and reluctantly ( I still feel there is some stuff that has not been admitted) agreed to drop it.
Then Yesterday I received a connection request on linkedin from one of the lads they had met up with I accepted the connection and sent him a message saying i was surprised he wanted to make contact and what did he want to discuss? I have heard nothing back from him.
I told my gf about this and she went nuts and said why did I accept the connection and message and that I was meant to drop it as agreed.
I told her because of being open and transparent like we agreed and that I accepted the connection because I thought it strange, he wanted to speak to me about something.
She said it was wrong and that I should have just ignored it and that it could be him trying to stir shit but I said that if they had so little contact like she said then why would he stirring shit and why contact me instead of the other guys?
So this morning she has gone batshit crazy and said she wants to fix the relationship but if I am not going to drop it she is going to kick me out and end the relationship.
She said I lied about him contacting me and that I was just trying to trip her up and get more information out of her and that I was just hoping to find something out. So I sent her the screen shot of the connection request.

I kind of feel gaslighted it all seems a bit strange and too many coincidences.
We are going to see the councillor tonight

So. How many times does she have to lie to your face, cheat on you (she definitely has at least once, probably multiple times) and take drugs she shouldn't be taking before you'll realise she's scum and walk away?

Honestly I wouldn't accept 10% of that behaviour from a man. The double lie about the condoms would've been enough for me to peace out, never mind the rest of it.

I wonder if i am fooling my self thinking these are innocent coincidences?

I would say so, sorry OP. These sound far more than just coincidence and I am very much a benefit of the doubt kind of person but there are a lot of major red flags here.

Yes you are not only fooling yourself you are letting her make a fool of you. She is lying to your face and cheating on you behind your back. Please for your own mental health dump her arse.

There’s not really any point in replying as there’s no helping you is there?

Yes, of course you are.

Blimey she’s cheated and is pretty horrible really. She needs to concentrate on her child and grow up. And I think you should end the relationship.

She has repeatedly lied to you, she has taken drugs, she has cheated, probably more than once. Honestly - you need to dump and run. You don't have the same standards (her are very low) and you need to find someone you can have a probably relationship with on the same terms.

Seriously op, what does she have to do for you to dump her? She’s a liar, a cheat, making a fool of you, taking drugs… I strongly suggest you wake up and smell the coffee here - get rid of this person, she’s no good for you.

Are you really a woman ?

Thanks but that's not really very helpful.

I am trying to get an outside view about something emotionally destroying.

My main thing is my child i cant bear the thought of not seeing her every morning and night.

Apart from the holiday and odd night away I have never thought about her cheating that's why I have asked for opinions.

If your insults make you feel better then good for you but please dont direct them at me as I have enough to deal with.

How old are you both? I'm going to say early 20's at the very most. There's nothing wrong in seeing friends, nothing wrong in having the odd night away, but she seems to constantly go abroad on holiday or away on girl's weekends! Your girlfriend is behaving like a single woman, with no responsibilities. At the end of the day, you both chose to have a child, and that child should be coming first. Your girlfriend has cheated (the condom excuses were utterly ridiculous), probably more than once and is taking drugs, even though she knows for medical reasons she shouldn't. She has no regard for your relationship at all, and if she's cheating, then clearly you aren't what she wants. Perhaps she's bored in the relationship, because it's become mundane, and she's looking for excitement. Unfortunately, everyday life can be mundane, sometimes, but dealing with that is part and parcel of being an ADULT! By taking drugs she's putting her health at risk, and isn't thinking of her child. Your girlfriend is immature and needs to grow-up. For your own sanity, you need to end the relationship. You are snooping all the time, walking on egg shells wondering if she's telling you the truth and eventually it will wear you down, whilst eroding away any self-esteem you have. Yes, you need to keep things amicable for your child's sake - if you can do that, then you can co-parent effectively. I know you want to stay with your child, and I understand that but it's not healthy for her to grow-up in an environment full of arguments and suspicion. Far better to have two separate houses, with two happy parents, than one household with two miserable parents.

OP it does not sound great on her part telling you two different stories regarding how the condoms came were found in her suitcase. Is quite self incriminating saying one thing, and when that is challenged, then come up with something else, and then you find out other thigs too which would also destroy me in all honestly, if this was me.

I can see why you are hesitant in believing her, I would be too. Its normal to want an explanation and then when your worst fears come to light, you want to rationalise them too. Its all normal.

Something probably happened on this holiday. And its going to eat you up a bit as you try and figure out what to do. I get that. Been there. Its not on you when someone does this, not on you to fix it either, but its on you how you decide to move forward. If she has cheated, which I would say she probably did, are you able to talk it out, and move on from it, or would this cause you to worry about what else she might be doing when on her next holiday, work due etc.

You know she’s cheated, she knows she’s cheated and your councillor probably suspects she cheated.

Why lie if there isn’t anything to cover up? Why would a guy connect with you on LinkedIn unless he wanted to tell you something or wanted to see his competition? Why would she freak out that he had sought you out and blame you?

There is no way any of what she has told you is true. Coincidences like that don’t happen. Even if they did you don’t need to lie to cover up coincidences and you certainly don’t freak out and become angry unless you are scared your lies are about to be revealed.

I’m surprised your councillor has told you to let it go because ultimately they have given her the green light to gaslight you further. But in a way she is right. You either choose to accept what she has said knowing it’s likely not true but being a family is more important than truth and fidelity or you acknowledge her behaviour and lies are unacceptable and move on.

The trust has gone. I think you need to do some research on coparenting and think about the best living arrangements for your child. This woman is not relationship material.

I'm sorry op but it really does sound like she's hiding things from you.

She is very manipulative, the fact that she constantly comes up with new lies when you catch her out, and they she's convinced the counsellor that you're the problem.

You could take the opportunity with the counsellor to share the evidence you have, even though it was obtained through snooping, her cheating and lying which you can prove, is worse!

But to what end? She's not going to be honest and if she was, I think we all know what the truth is, so you have to decide what you want to do? Do you want to stay with a liar and cheat, or start working on separating and co parenting?
I can't see any other options.

And just know that as she's lying now, it's not going to be a one off.