Overthinking or not interested?

[TheFluentBee]

Hi everyone.
I have recently started dating again. I was with my ex husband for 14 years, he has an affair and we split two years ago, divorced a year. He’s still with the woman he has an affair with but I can honestly say I have no feelings for him at all other than him being my kids dad.
I joined online dating and was dating someone for 5ish months. He ended it as he clearly wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship but it did knock my confidence again a lot.
i definitely have a fear of being rejected which clearly happens a lot in online dating, but I also over analyse and overthink situations. I’ve been on two dates with someone really nice, dates have been great, flowing conversation etc and we have had a kiss but nothing more. He seems really interested when we are out. My issue is, in messages he doesn’t act as keen. Others I have dated have shown me real keenness so I haven’t questioned it. He messages every day, sometimes he does, sometimes I do first. Sometimes he takes hours and hours to reply, sometimes it is really quick - the times he takes hours, he will have seen my message as I’ve noticed they come up on his watch. He can be flirty but not overly but he also isn’t a huge planner. I’m trying to work out whether I should just take that he isn’t bothered and move on or whether some men are just like that?
my self esteem is shit, has been since I found out about the affair as he made me think it was all because of me, I didn’t listen, I wasn’t affectionate enough, she was easier to talk to etc and I’ve done a lot of work on myself, was single for a long time before I dated again. But these niggles definitely make things resurface. I’m still getting counselling so it’s a continued process for me.

What are the signs that he’s not really bothered? thank you for any advice.

It doesn’t really sound like you’re in a space for dating tbh. Tying your self esteem to how men you barely know are behaving/reacting to you really is the road to nowhere. You would benefit from getting to a place where it has no impact on you, this also positions you in a place of power. Their behaviour really should be inconsequential to you.

Agree. It's been a year since you divorced, I'd take another year to get yourself into a place where you're a bit more robust.

He might be like me. I loathe messaging, the odd message back and forth all day is my idea of a nightmare. I receive it, it distracts me from whatever I'm doing, if I reply straight away then I'm distracted waiting for their reply, which then doesn't come so I finally get back into what I'm doing and then I get a reply, starting the whole process again.

so if someone messages me I generally won't reply until I have a block of time free to actually focus on that person. It's not that I'm not interested in what they have to say, my brain just does not have the focus to deal with conversations with someone while also doing something else.

I've had girlfriends where thats a problem, and they get annoyed that I don't reply straight away. Those relationships generally didn't last long.

DP on the other hand doesn't care. She just accepted that it's a waste of time messaging for a conversation, and it's better to wait until we're both actually free to talk properly. As a result she only tends to message if it's important, and so I tend to answer straight away, because if she's messaging about it then it must be information she needs quickly.

@ForTipsyFinch speaks a lot of sense.

I think the expectation from a lot of people now is for what I would consider to be massive over-investment early on.

You've been on 2 dates. He messages you back within "hours" at most - that shows a high level of interest to me. He's allowed to have a separate life and might be busy. He also might not love texting - many of us don't.

He probably isn't that bothered - and sorry if it hurts, but that's actually very healthy, cos it's only been two dates, so however much they might have been lovely dates, and he might be very keen to see you again, for people in a healthy place, at two dates in, they're not yet very emotionally invested, and that's fine. And it's not just men, it's people!

Stick with the counselling, have a nice time on future dates, and do your best to get to a place where you love your life as is, so a partner will enhance it but not be relied on for things you may feel you are currently missing.

Thanks everyone. I know I need to still work on myself, and I will continue to do so. I know we don’t know each other and it might just be how he is. That’s fine, it’s just not something I’ve experienced. I want to not take someone not being interested as rejection but I think that’s what I’m struggling with a bit. Like I get I’ll have to wade through some shit but I struggle to understand how it isn’t a rejection, they’ve chosen you aren’t for them and that is something to do with me, I don’t know if that makes sense.

The thing is though, if he has done that that’s ok. People are allowed to decide that someone isn’t for them. Of all the people on the planet, we aren’t going to be for everyone. Nobody is universally appealing to all and never will be. This is a man you have met twice, so what if he thinks that? But what about him, can you genuinely talk about his character and what it is about him which would make him a good partner? I suspect not, as you don’t know him. So if he has come to this conclusion it will be based on some irrelevant surface level thing because he also hardly knows you.

I wouldn’t go by the messaging frequency.. some of the best men I’ve known have hated messaging. Some of the ones who hurt me the most were the best love bombers. I think if you enjoy your time when together, and there is a little contact between, then it’s all good.

Great advice. We need to be more okay with someone not liking us. Because there are so many men we don’t like! Sometimes the connection just isn’t there.

they’ve chosen you aren’t for them and that is something to do with me It's also something to do with them though.

It's like you've got two puzzle pieces. It's a box of a thousand pieces, but for each one of those pieces there's only maybe four that fit with it. If you try one of the others, then the puzzle piece isn't rejecting it, they just don't fit together.

For amore human example. I actually briefly dated one of DPs best friends before I met DP. (Complete coincidence, made for an awkward 5 minutes when I first met DPs friends and had to admit I'd slept with one of them.)

DP's friend is an absolutely lovely woman. We're very very good friends now 20 years later. The only problem is we just lack anything in common. She'd be banging on about Tennis, I'd be banging on about politics or sci fi, and the conversation would just die because there were no shared interests. The physical chemistry was there, but by about 3 weeks in we realised we had absolutely nothing in common and couldn't maintain a conversation. Absolutely no rejection involved from either side, there's nothing wrong with her and I'd have happily set her up with any of my friends. We just didn't fit together.

Turns out what was missing was a DP shaped puzzle piece in the middle. We get on famously when DP's there, conversation flows, we have a laugh. If we bump into each other and DP isn't there though, then by god it's hard work. Within 5 minutes I'm desperately trying to find an excuse to leave, because she's banging on about Tennis again.

She found her matching puzzle piece about 10 years ago. He fucking loves Tennis.

The early stages of dating aren't a judgement on either person as individuals. They're about whether you can draw a line between you, or whether theres a ruddy great wall in the way

Thank you everyone. I know not everyone is for everyone, but we seem to be getting on well. On the dates, there was no awkward silences or anything like that. I think with not messaging much, I’m a bit concerned that it’ll just fizzle in between seeing each other which is only like once a week due to childcare and routines.

What I’ve found is that if a connection is good, it just picks up again when you see each other again and there’s lots to catch up on. But if we’re messaging all day every day it can get a bit too familiar

OP, don't forget also that nowadays people are often dipping their toes in more than one pond. It's often weeks, if not months, before couples declare themselves 'exclusive' to each other, so anyone you date may well be going on dates with others too. This isn't rejection of you, it's them socialising with different people to find the one who suits them best. I won't lie, I prefer how it was in the old days where we dated one person at a time, but it is what it is and this guy may well be having the occasional date with other women, so be prepared for that.

Yeh I have thought about the multiple dating thing as well. It’s just really not me, I have very little spare time as it is. I am aware that he may be though.

A lot of people can't be constantly messaging at work (I certainly couldn't, although I quickly check messages from my kids - teens - in case they're messaging about an emergency, they know I won't usually be able to reply straight away unless it is said emergency, and I absolutely love and adore them).

If he's got any kind of job where he's doing anything but sitting by himself working on something he doesn't have to concentrate on then I definitely wouldn't read into avoiding text ping pong during work hours.

In free time I suppose it depends how he spends his time - home alone in front of the TV he could answer, but if he's doing sports or out with mates less so...

I don't knew that constantly messaging is normal for most people is it? I'd find it intrusive I think.

OP you've been on two dates! You need to ease off on over-analysing him and looking for signs that he's going to reject you, relax and enjoy the dates - don't worry about if it will work out long term, just see where it goes. Not everyone is comfortable messaging and as long as you're enjoying each other's company, just go with the flow for now. In a few month's time, if you're still dating, hopefully you will have discussions about exclusivity and what you're both looking for in a relationship. Right now, you're just getting to know each other - let go of expectations and insecurities and try and enjoy it!

You’re stressing about him taking a few hours to message you back? Surely you understand that people have other things to do apart from messaging, though? Just because he’s seen a message on his Apple Watch or whatever, that doesn’t mean he isn’t at work, out with friends, watching a film, eating dinner, in the car, or doing any number of other things. You sound very needy to me, especially for someone who has only been on two dates with someone.

Also, what sort of messages are you sending? Because if someone was messaging me with stuff like ‘Morning, how are you? x’ or ‘What u up to’ I’d feel absolutely no urge to reply. It’s boring. I message my friends / boyfriend if I have something to tell them that I know they’ll find interesting or funny, or to ask them about something I know was important for them (eg “Hope your interview went well?” or “How was your football match - were you playing or on the bench?”) or to make arrangements to see them.

Either way, you’ve only been on two dates. He isn’t your boyfriend and you’re being a bit intense.

I had one like this and felt similar and it made me realise I am definitely not ready to be dating! It really affected me as id get anxious when I didn't hear because I really wanted it to work - barely knew the guy! Just happened to be the first spark I felt since my ex and OLD is so hard that it felt like my only chance because I'd finally found one who ticked the boxes. That's just not true.

You have been lovebombed in the past no doubt and this sounds more like “normal” dating