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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It happened again last night..

22 replies

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 06:40

My friend is in an abusive relationship. She told me late last night her and her partner got into a row because he pushed her off him while she was giving oral sex because she didn’t want him to touch her bum as she is on her period. Apparently she made it “awkward”. She proceeded to have a row and he got very irate and was calling her all sorts of names. He had an empty Stanley cup in his hand where he pretended to throw the cup at her causing her to flinch and become scared. She is scared of him anyway because he does this all the time during and argument and when she’d told him she was scared of him in the past he said “good”. He justifies his abuse towards her by saying she is making him react that way with what she did/said. She’s genuinely scared of him. This morning he made her a cup of coffee before he left to almost break the ice. She was still upset that he scared her so she rejected it. The argument commenced and she told me she was under the quilt as she thought there was a real sever chance he could throw the coffee at her (he didn’t) but that’s intimidating this man is.

every time she leaves he makes her feel he reacted that way because of what SHE did and then she goes back. She’s at a point she doesn’t see the point in leaving only to return again. I don’t know how to help her.

OP posts:
Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 06:43

Are there any children involved?

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 06:43

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 06:43

Are there any children involved?

He has one but I’m not sure if she was there.

OP posts:
CrowMate · 22/10/2025 06:45

You could start by not sharing such intimate details of her private life. I’m shocked you’d share such information when all you had to say was that your friend is in an abusive relationship, how can you help.

As for what you can do. Listen, encourage, support and keep her private information to yourself.

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 06:47

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 06:43

He has one but I’m not sure if she was there.

That would have been my first question

what does your friend say about his treatment of the child?

Agix · 22/10/2025 06:51

Just help her with finding a place to go if she does want to leave. Not much you can do if she refuses to leave though

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 06:51

Your last thread was about you fleeing from your abusive partner and taking your babies to emergency accommodation.

You need to focus on yourself and your children. Not someone else

Nickyknackered · 22/10/2025 06:56

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 06:47

That would have been my first question

what does your friend say about his treatment of the child?

I don't understand why you need that information to give advice on how the OP can help her friend?

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 06:59

Nickyknackered · 22/10/2025 06:56

I don't understand why you need that information to give advice on how the OP can help her friend?

I think they might have been asked as if children witness this it’s serious. I thought the same thing initially but makes sense to ask x

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 22/10/2025 07:00

You can't force her to leave. You can point out that they don't seem to make each other happy.

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 07:04

Nickyknackered · 22/10/2025 06:56

I don't understand why you need that information to give advice on how the OP can help her friend?

Because my first thought is children 🤷‍♀️

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 07:04

Op you have much much bigger fish to fry in your own backyard

Springtimehere · 22/10/2025 07:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nickyknackered · 22/10/2025 07:06

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 07:04

Because my first thought is children 🤷‍♀️

Seeing your other posts to the OP, I see you have an agenda so I'll leave you to that.

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 07:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

From what she has told me she’s fully aware it is abuse and even he doesn’t deny it is abusive behaviour at this point. It’s progressing from what she’s said, but he makes her believe it is her fault because of the things “she does” to trigger him. She knows it isn’t true but she’s said she’s tired of fighting it all and there’s no point in leaving just to return so she’s laying down and taking it.

OP posts:
NellieElephantine · 22/10/2025 07:18

Thermoscof · 22/10/2025 07:04

Because my first thought is children 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely agree with @Thermoscof I know it's very hard to leave an abuser, but for children, how do they even know they're being abused in some situations

ChristmasStars · 22/10/2025 07:27

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 07:08

From what she has told me she’s fully aware it is abuse and even he doesn’t deny it is abusive behaviour at this point. It’s progressing from what she’s said, but he makes her believe it is her fault because of the things “she does” to trigger him. She knows it isn’t true but she’s said she’s tired of fighting it all and there’s no point in leaving just to return so she’s laying down and taking it.

Or she could leave and not go back!

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 07:35

ChristmasStars · 22/10/2025 07:27

Or she could leave and not go back!

If I’d not had experienced this myself I’d have agreed but these men are good at manipulating and saying how it is your faults and if you don’t do x y z then it won’t happen. You believe it in the end

OP posts:
HorsesDuvets · 22/10/2025 07:43

YABU for the clickbait thread title.

butterpuffed · 22/10/2025 07:44

Is this about you @cheekycee , as you've been writing about what happened this morning [with the coffee] before 7 'o' clock ?

Elsvieta · 22/10/2025 07:54

Can you show her some literature / websites / whatever about the pattern of abuse and the things abusers say and so on - about how it's very common for them to tell victims "you made me do it" and that things will be different if the victim acts differently and all that crap? Books, magazine articles, anything?

ChristmasStars · 22/10/2025 08:22

cheekycee · 22/10/2025 07:35

If I’d not had experienced this myself I’d have agreed but these men are good at manipulating and saying how it is your faults and if you don’t do x y z then it won’t happen. You believe it in the end

I know. It's horrible. I'm just thinking maybe you can help her come to the conclusion of leaving for good. Could she speak to Women's Aid?

Endofyear · 22/10/2025 10:03

You can't make her want to leave - you can only offer support and a listening ear. Try not to judge her for not leaving, even when you know she would be much better off without him. Tell her you're worried about her physical safety and ask her to think about speaking to Women's Aid for support. Ask her to think about what she could put in place to stop her having contact with him and being persuaded to go back if she does leave. Remind her that it is possible to leave and make a good life without him, that she has friends who will support her. That's all you can do.

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