He's moving his girlfriend is and shes meeting my kids on Saturday

[Mumof2studentnurse]

My husband had an affair with someone we both worked with. She's 10 years younger than him. This was 6 months ago. He left me for her. We have two kids together 9 and 7.

He's told me he's moving her into the house we bought and shared together and the kids are meeting her on Saturday.

I knew it was coming. I knew from the very day i found out about her that this was coming, but it doesn't take any of this pain away.

I would never introduce my children to someone I had been with for 6 months...I would never allow them to move in with me and my kids after 6 months...but I also would never have cheated and left my spouse of 15 years either, so we have different values.

So for anyone who has been through this - how do you survive it? How do you cope with your kids coming home with lovely stories about this other person...making memories with them...or worse...what if she doesn't love my children and doesn't treat them well?

I'm not even over my marriage ending. I still cry about it every single day - so this is going to kill me. I can feel it.

OP - have you had any support since separation? if not - you’d really benefit from
some sort of counselling that can help you try to make sense/peace with it and start moving on.
(have you sorted all financials, etc and had the divorce gone through?)

As to what you’d do vs what exH choses to do - unfortunately, you have no say in it. Accepting that is a big and difficult step, but is
necessary.

Your kids will meet his gf - and even if he waited a few more months - it’d have been as difficult. And your kids will go on to have a separate relationship with dad/gf, and you.

You will survive it. Anticipation is worse than the actual event. They will eventually learn the truth about the reason you two separated - but they’ll still have a relationship of sorts with gf, if she sticks around.

@jsku No professional support - but i need it. I see that now.

No the financials are not sorted. He has not engaged with the separation agreement (Scotland) even though he started the process, he didnt send anything he was supposed to, to the solicitor. I always hoped it's because he wanted his family back - but now i see it was just because he couldn't be bothered to send a few bank statements. I'm not able to legally divorce until April due to Scottish law - so if he doesn't engage with the agreement, I can ask for the court to split everything in April.

You are right, it would hurt no matter when it happened. I need to find acceptance and just do whatever I can to protect my kids from any hurt, or confusion. I don't want them to feel bad for liking her. I just pray they are looked after x

@Mumof2studentnurse

Where are you living now? In England - usually solicitors advise not to move out of marital home before the financials are settled…

Your kids are small - in a way it’s a blessing as they don’t yet understand the complications and moral ambiguities: They don’t understand adult relationships, etc.
Don’t drag them into your pain and your feelings about H’s behaviour.

Of course they know you are sad, but they shouldn’t feel responsible for your happiness. And - they certainly shouldn’t feel they have to hate her to please you.

When they are older - penny would drop about what happened to your marriage. However - if exH and gf stay together - kids will have a separate relationship with him and her. it’s healthier that way and better for them.

And you may be able to move on, and who knows - you might meet a better partner than exH.

Please do look for some help for now - it’s the hardest bit., and important not to get stuck in bitterness.

I agree with the 6mth rule as such. As in after 6mths kids to meet new partner - but slowly introduce them after that

after 6mths you hope it’s going somewhere - not to do after a few dates or kids will meet lots of new people

tho moving in 6mths when got kids - to me is very quick

Sadly you don’t have a Choice if living together

what parenting does he do ? 50/50 or every other weekend etc

I had to move out of that house. It was too painful to stay and he was friends with all the neighbours who were making my life a misery. So for my own mental health and so i could be a good mum, I moved to another house.

I will look into support. Im not getting through this alone. @jsku

@Blondeshavemorefun he has them 3 days a week, but is saying he cant afford to travel to pick them up anymore due to costs. So im thinking that arrangement might change. I want them with me as much as possible anyway so i will happily have them more often.

I know there is nothing I can do. I know i just need to accept it - but this is awful. The pain I feel is too much to cope with. I will seek help and try to move forward, but this is my worst fears realised - all within 6 months.

Can’t afford to travel ? Ideally travel should be shared so you drop off. He drops back etc

thi doesn’t always work like that

ex now as isn’t working, doesn’t have a car so I have to do all drops off /collects

OP - i, of course, do not know anything about your situation, but from the details you mention it does seem that you need to reclaim your life and find your strength.

Personally - I’d not have let my cheating H drive me out of my home. he could have moved 🤷🏻‍♀️.
And neighbours siding with a cheater would not be driving me away. How did he manage that anyway - people don’t easily support a cheating spouse in the aftermath of a marriage breakdown.

You sound passive and not in control of what is happening to you - and that is possibly why you are stuck hoping for a return of your old life. You want him back after all that happened? Why???

Anyway - you cant change the past, what’s done is done. You can only change how you proceed forward. How is your life set up now? What sort of financial settlement are you hoping to get - and what does it mean for your life with DC?
Is he paying child maintenance?

And -more importantly - how is he able to keep the marital home, but does not have money to drive to see his kids?

OP I needed antidepressants and lorazepam for panic attacks and pretty horrendous anxiety when my husband left me with a young baby and a toddler. I don’t know if I’d have survived without them.
I just want you to know that one day in a few years time you won’t care anymore. Focus on yourself and the kids. He will likely regret it one day.

Thank you so, so much @ThatPeachScroller Im so sorry you went through all of that, I really hope you are doing well now. Thanks again, I appreciate your message. x