Married for 40 years really scared about possibility DH has dementia

[Ilovepastafortea]

Lon one I'm afraid.

For background, DH & me been married/together for about 40 years. He's 72, I'm 63. He's been retired for 12 years, I still have to work as can't afford to retire until I qualify for my state pension when 67. I work 15 hours a week - 3 mornings 5 hours a day 2 of which are in the office, one at home.

I've noticed that my DH has become increasingly forgetful - he loses keys, his wallet to the extent that I keep charge of his bank cards so that he can't lose them any more.

He also forgets when we decide something. Today he asked me to fill the birdfeeders, 15 minutes later I see that he's filling the jug used to fill the feeders. I ask why he's doing it - he says that he's going to fill the birdfeeders. I say, that I did them when he asked me to do them earlier. He had no memory of this. This is becoming a bit of a theme.

He does the bulk of cooking (he was a chef & had his own catering business, I'm a good 'home cook', but, as I work & he enjoys cooking, it makes sense. We will agree that he's going to make a stew in the slow cooker. Lovely. I come home from work to the scent of a stew, but he's also made a bolognaise sauce. I say 'I thought we were going to have stew this evening', he will answer 'no Spag Bol tonight', me: 'That's great, but what about the stew in the slow cooker?' Him: 'What stew?' Me: 'Spag Bol good, but what about the stew in the slow cooker?' Him: 'oops forgot about that one, will have to go in the freezer'. Yup fine but we have 3 freezers full of his meals. I suggest that we spend a month living out of the freezer - never happens because he does the internet food delivery & never takes account of what's in the freezers. I managed to stop him from buying another freezer from a neighbour who was moving, but it was a struggle(!)

I could go on as I have many examples.

Also his temperament has changed. He has always been temperamental & prone to outbursts when stressed, but recently he's started to call me names eg: this evening he lost his keys, I couldn't find them, asked him when he last had them & he said 'I told you when I had them you stupid bitch-they were on the kitchen table, I took them off because you wanted to clear it to serve dinner, & now I can't remember where I put them because you were hassling me' This is so unlike the way he's been throughout our marriage. I did retreat to the bedroom in tears & he came in to ask why I was so upset &, when I quoted him he said that he was sorry if he'd said that, but he was sure that he didn't say the words that he said & couldn't remember the argument only that he he couldn't find his keys. I said that he absolutely did say those exact words' He said that it he must have said that he did as I wouldn't lie, he maybe did & was sorry. All good.

I'm very concerned about him. I've managed to stop him driving as his car died & I've managed to persuade him that we only need one car & he's not insured to drive my car. But I'm under pressure to insure him to put him onto my insurance & he keeps threatening to buy himself a car which I can't prevent him from doing.

Contact his GP with your concerns. They can call him in and do a few tests before referring him on. You can tell the GP that if they tell him why they are calling him in he won't respond well and could they say it is a standard check up.

Get him to the doctors for sure, sadly there's a lot of things in your post that remind me of my DM who had dementia.

It's impossible for someone to diagnose over a mumsnet thread but yes it does sound a lot like dementia from the way you've described it. You need to take him to the GP to start the process. If he does have it there are drugs he can take to slow down the process. But the sooner he takes them the better so don't delay. You would also need to do practical things like put powers of attorney in place which needs to be done whilst he has capacity so you should do that promptly too. Consider speaking to Alzheimers Society for some support in the meantime. It's a horrible disease.

I recommend a UTI test as a UTI can result in dementia-like symptoms.

There are lots of easily treatable underlying health problems that can cause dementia like symptoms and personality changes.

Low B12/folate -very common in older people
Low vitamin D- also common
Thyroid issues
UTI

He needs to speak to the dr and have tests.

My mum started out the same way.
I contacted her gp by post and laid out my concerns. My dad disagreed.
She was referred to the memory clinic and had various tests.
She now has a diagnosis of parkinsons disease.
Get the ball rolling ASAP and good luck

Thank you.

He's just come back from a small op involving a general aesthetic. Blood tests etc all clear. But, having cared for both parents & MIL when elderly am very aware how UTIs can affect mood & behaviour.

Thank You ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour and Mydogisagentleman
any suggestions how I broach this with him.

We cared for my father, his mother & (single eg: no children) aunt through all this. He's terrified that he will get it, has always said 'put me out of my misery' if I get it'. I've always responded that I will care for him as we did his mother, my father & his aunt - he doesn't need to worry. But I don't know how to bring the subject up. I've considered talking to our DD (who's a nurse) but I feel that doing that without talking to him first would be a bit of a betrayal. We've always talked about everything & I feel so lonely right now as this is the first time that I've had a problem that I've not felt able to talk to my DH & best friend about.

As I say he's my best friend it's the first time I've had something that I can't talk over with him. He knows me so well & keeps saying that he knows that there's something on my mind & wanting me to talk to him, but I can't. It's the first time in 40years that we've had something between us that can't be discussed & it's destroying me.

I went out for lunch with a long-term friend today. She sympathised, but said she couldn't suggest how to broach the subject. She said how envious she was of DH & my relationship was, but all she could do was give me a hug.

If he has just had an operation he could have post-operative delirium - it is really common in older people. My dad had it recently and it lasted about 6 weeks.

I can only send you a hug - from someone who knows what this is like. The one person you want to talk it over with is the one person with whom you cannot do so. xxx

Sending hugs. I can't say I know how you should proceed, but this sounds very like how my mum started with dementia.

Well you can talk to him, you are just reluctant to do so. Show him the list of entirely treatable things this could be and tell him he needs to get them checked. The ideal time would have been when he admitted you must have been telling the truth but he didnt remember.

There are various developments that offer hope for the future if it is dementia.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/what-we-do/researchers/news/researching-new-drugs-alzheimers-disease

Sending hugs. 💐

I have gently suggested to him that his memory isn't what it used to be - given examples, only to be 'poo-pooed', saying that I often lose my handbag/phone or keys. The difference is that I find them fairly quickly & don't forget that I've fed the birds within 15 minutes of feeding them. I've said about cooking 2 meals, he says that's not an issue as we can freeze them. But, as I say, we have 3 freezers full of stuff. When I was at work he bought a load of fish & meat that we don't need from someone who knocked on the door selling it wholesale - £200+ worth of burgers & stuff that we won't eat!!!

We have a joint account for bills, food etc, plus separate accounts. Currently he has a very healthy sum in savings account (well in excess of £300k) & says it's his money so I have no say as not joint money. I get that, but it's not about the money, it's more about our relationship.

Off topic but why does he think his savings are "his"? You are married so they are joint unless I'm missing something.

If he's got dementia then he will need you to make decisions for him as he gets worse. So you would need control over his finances in those circumstances. But it's worrying that he's being possessive about savings as it suggests he wouldn't give you POA which would cause issues down the line eg with paying for care.

Some suggestions about how to broach it:

"I've been reading about potential side effects after your procedure and I think ive noticed you may have a few. Let's book to see the GP to make sure you're getting the right aftercare"

Or

"I've noticed you're being a bit more absent minded than normal. Nothing to be worried about but I want to make sure you don't have a UTI that needs treating. Let's book into the GP to discuss it."

Once you're there the doctor will hopefully run the memory tests or refer him to have the tests.

I'm an older adult mental health nurse, OP, and this definitely needs looking at. Ask your GP for a referral to memory services. The GP will take bloods/MSU to rule out anything physical first, and they will perform a basic cognitive assessment. I'd also ask your GP about a CT head scan. It will be needed for a diagnosis anyway. We're very used to dealing with people who have poor insight in mental health teams.

How long has it been going on for? If it's been sudden/acute, it's more likely to be delirium. If it's been slower/more progressive in nature, it's more likely to be dementia.

Is he experiencing anything else unusual? Tremors? Hallucinations? Changes to mobility. Neurological conditions can also present like this.

Im so sad for you, this must be horrible feeling the weight of this and potential loss, and in a way not wanting to have further information that could confirm your worst fears. I’m wondering though about medications that are sometimes used to ‘buy time’ with dementia, that while they do not stop the disease, sometimes can give people back a bit of function in the short term to give them time to get affairs in order etc. I’m no expert so forgive me if I am wrong, but I feel that is a good reason to act sooner than later, to give you both treatment options, if it is dementia and any are available to him. Re bringing it up - I think you will when you are ready.

Sending a big hug to you and glad you can get a bit of space here to talk it over.

I can understand why you are concerned OP. He has severe memory problems and personality changes, and as you say it sounds like dementia.

You say you've tried to broach the subject and he poo-poos your concerns. That is extremely common, people with dementia do not recognise they have problems, they are impervious to logic and deny there are any issues. I doubt you will be able to talk it over with him.

I am sure you know the steps that could be taken - GP, memory clinic, MRI etc.
You could ask the GP to call him in for a check up, if you think he would be likely to respond to that. That would start off the process but he would then have to agree to the next steps too - memory clinic, MRI. And in order to know what is happening you'd need to go with him to appointments, as he is unlikely to tell you a reliable story afterwards.

Hello Op, just to add that you can speak to your GP and ask them to call him in. My dad has barely visited the gp since 1964, thinks everything is totally fine....it is not. I rang the GP to ask them to invite him in because I knew that he'd take better to being asked to go in for a health checkup rather than me or mum saying he ought to go. Make sure his blood pressure is checked, that's vital. And do get the ball rolling, I wish I had done more 18 months ago tbh. Being assessed quickly will help you understand what's wrong and allow you to get help in place too. Poa and wills also absolutely vital.

It does sound like he is having some cognitive decline which can be a sign of dementia, as you know. It's a difficult thing to raise with him, especially if he's dismissive of your concerns 😟

Could you maybe make a check up appointment for both of you at the GP and phrase it as the surgery wants everyone over 60 to have a kind of health MOT? Then you could see the GP first and express your concerns.

If you don't think that would work, you might just have to bite the bullet and tell him you've made him an appointment with the GP because you're worried about his memory and personality changes and you'd like to go with him. If he argues that he's fine, you could say that you really want him to attend, even if it's just to put your mind at rest.

My mum has a hip operation and really wasn't the same for several weeks after the operation. However this does sound a bit different particularly the way he is speaking to you. I'm really concerned that he has all that money and you feel that you can't stop work. Having said that at the moment I imagine work is a bit of a respite for you. If it isn't I think it's really unfair that you are expected to work when he clearly needs help. I don't think you would be doing anything wrong by speaking to your daughter about him. He would do the same.

I think that you do have to talk to your daughter since she has a right to know and you need her support to navigate this.
POA as soon as possible if not already in place (the government web site is very helpful).
I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

My mother was very much in denial about my dad's dementia and said it was because of his dignity, privacy etc but really she just didn't want to acknowledge what was happening. She made it very difficult for her children to put support in place for both of them.

Dealt with mum's dementia for 7 years. Awful disease.

You have my sympathies OP.

You have 2 choices, Stay or go,

Your health is important too, make a choice either you or him.

You owe it to yourself to choose you.

I know that sounds horrible.....