How do I leave - practicalities?

[noitsachicken]

I have had a few threads about my husband and his behaviour. I have mostly been categorically told to leave.

People say ‘get your ducks in a row’ ‘take copies of bank statements etc’

But I don’t know what to do, practically, to do any of this.

We have been married 14 years, own our home, he is a high earner, I am in a low paid part time job. We have three children, all under 14.

I don’t know what to do or where to start?

Presumably you have been given this advice on all your other threads.

In a nutshell, get recommendation for a good local family lawyer, arm yourself with as much financial info as you can gather and go and talk to a lawyer.

endless mumsnet threads are going to achieve squat all

If he is abusive, emotionally or physically, you can get great support from Women's Aid, they can help you to prepare to leave as safely as possible if that's the choice you end up making.

I agree with @Deliciousveg , seeing a solicitor as soon as possible, so you know where you stand and what you need to do, is very important. WA should also be able to recommend appropriate solicitors in your area, even if you don't use them for support.

Good luck to you, @noitsachicken , it's not an easy time or thing to do but it'll be worth it

You work part time. Good. Do they have a photocopier there? If so, then start taking bits of paperwork in, such as bank statements, pensions, investments and copy them so you have the account details. Keep the copies at work. Ask your employer or a trusted friend or other family member if they can keep a few things safe for you, such as your passport, birth & other certificates, sentimental photos, jewellery etc.

Do it gradually, bit by bit, and start with the most important things first.

If he is abusive, bear in mind he could be checking your online & phone activity, and emails etc.

If he's abusive and has an outburst the best thing you can do is call the police. Get him removed and then you'll get support to complete non mol / occupation orders. Womens aid is also a great resource and route in. Are you planning on living elsewhere? Or with family? That needs to be decided. Are you able to save money? Ultimately if he's dangerous and violent you may not have the luxury of waiting around to sort everything x

The very first place to start is to figure out where you're going to live. You really cant do much until this is decided.

Taking photocopies/photos of financial documents is easy.

He’s not physically abusive. I don’t think the police will do anything.

I can’t live anywhere else, I need to stay in our house. He will need to leave, but I don’t know what happens if he says no.

When people say take copies, how and when such type of a man keeps documents in view?

My own husband has never been abusive but took him years to get me the basics of which his current bank is, the names of his pensions, the bills companies etc

@noitsachicken You might want to take a read of this legendary post about one woman's long end game of getting her ducks in a row... It will give you some pointers about hiding cash, possessions etc.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake

If the house is jointly owned, you can't make him leave and he can't make you leave either. The house is a marital asset and will need to be sold and the money split, in all likelihood. See a good solicitor as a starting point. They will be able to tell you what you need to do.

I’m not at the point of solicitors, I need him to leave. But how do I do that?
Everyone says talk to womens aid, I can’t make a phone call. I’m never on my own, the chat feature never works. I’m trying to find information about local support but maybe I’m being stupid but I can’t see it.
I need to someone to tell me what to do.
I’ve spent months reading about types of abuse and trying to understand.
I understand, but I don’t know what to do now. We are not at risk if harm, I can’t just take my children and leave, and I’m not leaving them here.
What are women supposed to do in this situation? I don’t understand

In what way is he abusive?

Emotionally.
I think he’s narcissistic, I feel confused all the time.
We’re in the ‘good’ part of the cycle now which is so much harder.

Why are you never on your own? You say he’s not physically abusive so what stops you from leaving the house alone? What would happen if you said you were going out?

Op get yourself to a solicitor and tell them what you’ve told us
you will be alone at points and you know it
so leverage the opportunity and start taking action
mumsnet can’t do this for you

wtf

this just got very weird

last year you were having an affair and it ending and posting dozens of posts about trying to stop yourself contacting him

🙄

I’ve not read any of your past threads so I don’t know the back story. The only thing that I would say is that there was no way I could access any of our financials except the most basic. That is fine. Your lawyer will do all the leg work in that respect and if they feel he isn’t being open they can always employ a forensic accountant.

You can’t make him leave if you are married as the house is a marital asset and both of you have a right to live there. As others have said get some advice from a solicitor and start gathering copies or photos of important documents, bank statements etc.

You will have to buy him out if long term you would like to stay in the house. In many cases this isn’t possible and the house is sold and equity divided up.

You can’t make him leave , it’s his home.
It sounds like you won’t be able to buy him out.
The house will have to be sold.
Have you actually told him you want to split ?
Why are you never alone ?