Sexless relationship

[Captainofmylife]

Just after some advice really, and of course I have NC for this.

Been with partner for nearly 30 years. Had 2 DC who are now grown up and been through life's normal struggles - lack of money, time etc. For the most part, DP and I get on well - similar values and goals in life, care very much about our DC, work hard to pay bills and sometimes there is a bit over each month to have a takeaway, meal out or a day trip somewhere.

When we first got together, sex was very much on the cards but when I was pregnant with first DC (not planned), this declined as I found pregnancy hard and it's never really recovered. Over the last 7 years, I could count on one hand the amount of times we have been intimate (and probably the last time we had sex he struggled to maintain an erection but wouldn't talk about it) and over the last 6 years, there has been no sexual contact whatsover - no kissing, hugging, anything really.

I have tried talking to DP about how unhappy this makes me, but he just says it's not something that bothers him. He then closes up (very very hard work having 'personal' conversations about anything with him) and the conversation ends. He won't go to the doctors or counselling to resolve any issues. When our youngest left home to go to uni, I said that we should split but he was reluctant to accept this and I didn't push it.

I don't hate him, but I'm not sure I'm in love with him either. This lack of intimacy has affected every aspect of our relationship - I lost both parents in the last few years and he has been very awkward around me when I get upset, so much so he leaves the room so that he doesn't have to comfort me in any way.

I know I should leave him, but for the most part we have a nice life, he is kind (in some ways) and supportive and generally a 'good' guy and I worry that if I give that up in pursuit of a happier life, I will be disappointed (I read all the threads on here of people who start up new relationships only to discover their new DP's are dickheads/cheating bums etc).

Am I delusional? Can people live like this? Or am I kidding myself? Just don't know what to do for the best and life is passing by.

Thanks for reading 😞

I was in a sexless relationship - it isn't the lack of sex, but the lack of intimacy and care that got to me. I couldn't live like that (and why should you?), although I did kid myself that I could. Best thing I did was to leave it. I am now in a healthy relationship with physical and emotional intimacy and it is life affirming. Good luck!

I think you can do any of the options you have given to be honest, you just need to figure out what YOU want.

You are very right that you could walk away and find out that the grass is not greener, however you could walk away and find a lucious meadow that makes you a million times happier. But unless you walk, you will never know, and that is the gamble.

For me it would come down to how happy you are in your current life? Nobody has everything but is what you have worth more than what you don’t have? Nobody on here can answer that for you unfortunately, although I am sure you will gain a few different perspectives from this chat.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thank you for replying - and that's amazing that you have managed to turn things around. I suppose I'm scared to try? Crazy really.

Thank you - yes, you make a very valid point! I'm not un-happy, just not particularly happy if that makes sense? I really miss the physical aspect of our relationship but is it worth splitting up a whole (pretty lovely) life for it?

To be fair the sexlessness was a symptom of the problem (he was emotionally abusive and toxic), rather than the whole problem. Your situation may be different. To me the fact that he doesn't care to address something that is making you unhappy, and shuts down your attempts to do so, is a bigger problem.

So if you want my advice from my own personal experience, I left my first marriage seeking better and ended up in a horrible second marriage. I thought that was my lot in life and questioned if there was better and I was going to stay and tread water but then a horrible event forced me to leave and now I am married to my third (!!!) husband but OMG he is wonderful and I am so glad I went through everything I did as it led me to this point. So I guess I have experienced both sides of the coin, but am ultimately happy now. Don’t know if that helps any or makes it any more confusing. You only get one life though so you have to try and be happy, however you do it.

Lack of care and affection and lack of safe, open communication is pretty miserable. If you leave you might find all that with someone else, or you might not. Personally, being single seems a far more appealing option than what you currently have. The loneliness within an unfulfilling relationship has always been more difficult for me to tolerate than the milder loneliness of being single. Everyone is different, though.

I’m in a similar position although not totally sexless…just very infrequent.

Having seen many friends around my age get divorced and subsequently not have much luck with another man over the last five years I’ve decided to stay put - despite the fact that it bothers me. Like you I have a nice life and we generally get on well.

Some days it really gets me down and I start wondering “what if” but out of the half a dozen friends who’ve got divorced only one of them has moved on with a successful relationship. Some are still single and some are with partners who are a downgrade from their previous partners!

@Captainofmylife
I am divorced, so here is my take based on my own experience, and observations from friends who divorced in their 40s.

It is very unlikely you will meet a
partner who would be great on all dimensions.
You can find lots of men of men of different ages to have sex with. Lots of younger men, fair amount of divorced men who want to play around without commitment. Many men in their 40s-50s will have ED, etc.

As to men who’d want to be around to support you through hard times, and be in a committed relationships - those are unicorns. There are stories some managed to find them 🤷🏻‍♀️….

So - personally I’d say - leave IF being on your own is better than being with him. Then your life will be genuinely better than being with him.

If it’s sex you are missing - have a fling and see if it gets it out of your system. But stop badgering him about having sex. After 30 years of mostly not very active sex life, and 6 years of no sex - this ship has sailed.

If you’re looking for easy answers - tough.
As a woman, you’ll always be able to get sex - but I don’t think that alone is going to make you happy. And divorcing can mean losing a lot more than you think. Realistically he’s not going to ever give you what you need physically or emotionally but you’re getting what you need in all the other ways.
An affair? Maybe. If you’re bloody careful! But if you do, be very careful about falling in love. You’ve got a lot to lose, I think PP was right to say ‘only go if you’re sure that you’ll be happier alone’ because this is all you can rely on.

Just wanted to add to this..
I have been where you are now OP, my relationship was pretty much sex less after being together 27 years..
We grew apart, he had his own things. I went through menopause, I went through two years of hating any touch or emotional connection. I absolutely hated anything or anyone asking anything from me.
Sex from my partner! Absolutely no! It was the neediness, the someone wanting something when I had nothing to give..
We weathered it very fortunately, I had a partner who sat it out.
It came back for me and him, we connected again as older, wiser people.
We both wanted to be grandparents to our childrens kids, we both said we didn't want to be those parents, where you are the children of dysfunctional parents choosing who you have to spend Christmas with.
We wanted our children to have their parents together, so we chose that.
And when we chose that it got really better, we both chose each other again.

I have tried talking to DP about how unhappy this makes me, but he just says it's not something that bothers him.

Well, that tells you all you need to know.....

Life without a man like that is great.