My partner seems to always focus on the negatives in what I do, and completely overlooks the positives. It feels like no matter how hard I try to be supportive, he has this fixed belief that I’m not. It's like he's keeping a mental record of all the times I've had a go at him and been off, but completely disregards when I do show care, empathy, and support.
We have both come down with a nasty cold, I admit he’s definitely feeling worse than I am. This morning, he told me he’d phoned in sick to work. I tried to be sympathetic and asked if I could get him anything and his response was a bullet to the head would be good right now. I know he was feeling rough and probably venting, so i joked back that he was a bad patient. Later, he misheard something I said and along with the patient comment immediately assumed I was slagging him off. I reassured him I wasn’t, but he snapped back with, “You always have a problem with me being ill.”
This is a pattern. He gets ill quite often with colds, hayfever, headaches and allergies and every time, he says some version of You hate me being ill/ You hate when im ill/ here we go again you cant handle when im unwell etc. I’ll admit, in the past I have gotten frustrated sometimes, but not because he was ill, because it was something that could have been prevented e.g. not taking antihistamines before a planned day when we would be outside all day when he knows he needs them, not addressing allergens at home. I’ve tried to explain this and I’ve made real efforts to change. I check in more, offer help, take over chores, make sure he’s comfortable. But despite that, it feels like it never counts. One tiny moment of tension and I’m suddenly the “unsupportive partner” again.
Another example is when he goes out with friends. He doesn’t have many friends and goes out maybe 2/3 times a year. I’m usually supportive of this but I’ll admit there have been a few times where I wasn’t as enthusiastic or could’ve handled it better, and I’ve apologised for those. But now, any time he mentions a social event, it turns into i knew you wouldn't want me to go/you always have an issue with me seeing my friends/You dont want me to have fun. Even when I’m supportive its twisted and a comment i say will get taken out if context. It's like he’s bracing for a fight that isn't there, or assumes I’m secretly upset. Which then i try to defend myself and an argument does happen.
It’s exhausting trying to prove I’m not the bad guy. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I do take responsibility for the times I’ve reacted poorly in the past, but I’m also trying to change and grow. I just don’t know what else I can do when it feels like he’s already made up his mind about who I am in these situations.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you help someone “reset” their mindset about you once they’ve developed this negative perception? How do you get your partner to actually see the changes you’re trying to make?