AIBU for telling my partner we need a “child-free” date night every other week?

[NaciGeorgopoulos]

Background: we’ve got two kids (aged 7 and 4) and both work part-time. Lately I’ve been feeling like we never just connect without being interrupted — always snacks, school runs, bath, bedtime. So I suggested to my partner that we designate every other Friday evening as a proper “child-free” date night: no kids, no screens, just us. My partner’s reaction? He looked relieved for a second, and then said “sounds good, but how do we manage child care so often?” and the rest of the evening turned into planning logistics (babysitter, budget, timing) rather than talking about us.
My argument back was: yes, I know it’ll take effort, but if we don’t carve out this time we might drift into just co-parenting and not actually being a couple anymore. He responded that maybe once a month is more realistic, and doing it every other week sounds intense — what if one of us is shattered, or a kid’s sick, or we just don’t feel up to it.
So — AIBU for pushing for every other week, rather than easing in more gently? I feel like I’m asking for something reasonable given the state of things, but I also don’t want to be rigid and make a chore out of “date night”. Suggestions on how to compromise? Thanks in advance.

He has suggested a compromise - seems like a good idea to start off with once a month and if it's working out increase it.

I agree - i'd do it once a month and see how it goes.

He focused on a practical plan - I'd see that as a win tbh. Once a month and then increase when you have your logistics sorted?

(You could do the alternate as a daytime date, easier to get childcare and you don't have to have a late night)

But those logistics, babysitting etc, do need to be discussed? I don’t see the issue tbh, he’s suggested a compromise that does seem more realistic in terms of getting childcare.

What about a once a month out of the house (needing childcare etc) and once a month at home date night?
That way you're still getting 2 dedicated nights a month together, but with only one lot of the practicalities to think of.

It sounds like he’s very much on board but is just trying to be practical. I wouldn’t be offended about this

Try it monthly and up it if needed/possible

As someone who tried one every 2 weeks, it does become a chore and you resent it. It feels like no sooner are you over one you are planning the other and its just another thing to sort out in a busy life.
Once a month or every other month is more realistic - we do once every other month now. with extra when we have extra childcare.
We don't always go out for dates night. We do alot at home after the kids go to bed. Movie nights, craft nights, nice dinner night, anything you can do at home. We struggle to get much child free time as dont live near family.

I actually agree with your DP. Once a month is a really good compromise and a good way to start.

Once a fortnight from the off seems too much like hard work imo.

I think he’s hit the right approach - I don’t think you’re unreasonable but he’s trying to be realistic so in your shoes I’d go with him rather than pushing back.

Does it always have to be date “night”. Why not date lunchtime walk in the park while both kids are at school/at a friends house/extracurricular activities.

Could you find a friend to swap babysitting with once a month each in order to give both couples a monthly night out?

We do once a month, twice a month feels quite a lot!

Can always book days of annual leave off together and have a child free day date? That’s a great way to use annual leave

You’re upset because your husband was being practical?

FWIW I’ve been with my husband over 20 years and get 1 child free night a year and have never ‘drifted apart’.

Once a month sounds much more reasonable, getting logistics of child care sorted will make the date nights much more enjoyable.

@hiintrepidheroes

once a YEAR?! 😩

If you have free or low cost and easy to arrange childcare YANBU. If not, every two weeks out of the house could be tricky.

I think once a month is realistic for organising childcare, but with your kids the ages they are, you can still have plenty of evenings where you can focus on being a couple while they're in bed. I have children a similar age and frequently have a couple of childfree hours with my dh once they are in bed. We'll watch something together, have a chat, dinner just us, cuddle, early night 😜. I'd love a proper childfree evening where we have childcare once a month! But in reality it happens more like every few months. I'd work on carving out time once the kids are in bed, it's so much easier and more flexible and then enjoy a proper date night once a month as an extra.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to suggest this (DH and I have a child free date night once a week), but I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to try and figure out the logistics. I think one evening out/one evening in a month might work? You could put the kids to bed early and have a nice dinner/watch a film together

Well, it does depend on how you would organise childcare. What are your options? If they’re “ask willing grandparents who live 5 mins away and would def be happy to do this every two weeks” then it sounds fine. If it’s “pay for babysitter” or “make complex one way arrangements with friends who ask for nothing in return so you’ll feel bad” or “ask uncle and auntie to travel halfway across the country” then it’s constrained by logistics. It’s not relaxing if it takes far more time to organise a night out than to go on the night out!

We used to do mid week nice meal just us. Didn’t go out, but we’d make sure to get home in good time, would feed the kids something quick and easy and get them into bed. Then while one of us doing bedtime, the other would make a SLIGHTLY nicer than usual meal, or we’d have a M&S food meal for two or something like that. We’d eat it just the two of us once kids eventually in bed, and watch nice tv together etc. Just committed to spend the evening together and not doing jobs.

I'm with your dp as well.

Bit more practical / realistic.
Although it will depend how wealthy you are to be able to afford babysitters plus the cost of the night out every fortnight.

Plus, realistically, you don't get to set the dates of things you might be invited to (other people's weddings, retirement dos, birthday parties, etc, or the date there is a gig or show or event on you'd like to go and see). Seems more sensible to say "If we've not got anything on during the month, then let's agree to book a sitter and go out together" than "Let's go out once a fortnight" as life doesn't work out that evenly spread..