I'm so angry and full of resentment

[Hbosh]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We have 2 children, 6 and 4.
Today it hit me like a brick that I've been miserable in this relationship for more than 5 years. And I have no idea how much longer I can keep doing this, it feels like there's no way out. Not a good one anyway.

Why am I staying with him? Because I grew up with divorced parents. And when my mum left my dad, she was free, but basically everything she struggled with in her relationship with my dad stopped being her problem and became my problem. And this is exactly what would happen with my daughters.
I am constantly a buffer between my husband and my daughters, making sure that they don't feel the burden of the things he doesn't do right. If I leave, no one will protect them and their childhood will be over. They will end up carrying the entire mental load, like I do right now. And if they complain about it, they will meet the same defensiveness as I do. Their feelings will be dismissed and he will be the victim. So I can't leave. I don't want to leave. Maybe I'd be carefree, but I would feel horrible for making my daughters deal with him instead.

It's not like I can ask for full custody because their dad's forgetfull and chaotic. He loves them and he's not absolutely useless. No court system is going to keep children away from a very mediocre dad.
He's also told me that if we ever break up, I would become his enemy and he'd make my life as miserable as he can. I believe him, and I could live with that. But there's no way my daughters won't be damaged by that.

But I'm also so sick of everything having to be a battle.
Yes, my husband has learned things and has grown over the years. But it's cost me so much energy, and over the years I've lost the hope of it ever getting easier. Everything I ask of him is always a struggle. I'm always met with anger, defensiveness, gaslighting and a lot of resistance. And then, after several arguments over the same thing, eventually he'll start to learn. But I'm always expected to stay calm, not raise my voice, not be too critical, have perfect communication skills, think of ways to help him remember, remind him again and again.

To an outsider, it's all a bunch of little things, silly things maybe. But it's the pattern that I'm so done with. It never ends. And when it's the other way around and he needs me to change something, I'm always there. I listen, I'm curious, I give him my full attention, I care, I think him for bringing it up. But for what?
Whenever I want to talk about anything, he either denies that it ever happened, or tells me that I'm wrong for the way I feel about it.

I know I will end up leaving him eventually. I just want my girls to be a bit older, to have a bit more time to be children before they have to go through a messy divorce and ending up having to take care of their dad every other week. But how do I hold on? How do I keep my sanity? How do I stop myself from growing to hate him?

Oh lord. That's a lot. You are an amazing mother x

Can you tell us what happened for you to feel this way 5 years ago? Did he change?

Also, have you sat him down and seriously told him you want to leave? Would it shock him into considering his behavior?

Mentally separate
. Start enjoying your dc alone at weekends for example.. I had a twat first dh. Never wanted to do family stuff so I went on without him. If he works have your tea with dc before he gets home. Find yourself hobbies for when dc are in bed. Make a space for you in your day - and in your home. Quiet space to read /just be away from him.
When we divorced dc saw exh when court ordered. Wasn't much back then. As teens they swiftly stopped seeing him. His loss...

Are you sure they don’t see this? They must do. They see their mother being walked over and doing all the mental load. They see their father behaving how he likes without any consequences. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is how life for them will be based on their role models? I think this will much more harmful than seeing their dad once a fortnight - how much mental load can it be for such a short amount of time?

I am completely with you on this. You're not alone.

How on earth will he make a 6 and 4 year old carry the mental load?
Is there something seriously wrong with him? Dies he have a job? If so his on earth dies he function?
I agree with the above poster, start doing things without him. Stop involving him. Stop listening and stop caring.

To hell with all that.

do it you might be surprised at your strength and resilience.

stay and be a victim. What’s your decision

Parenthood was a big change, for both of us.
What changed was basically that before becoming parents I never actually needed him for anything. I'm a very self-sufficient person. I can take care of myself. So as much as I liked spending time with him, I never needed him.

We became parents and it was hard. Our first child cried all day, every day, for 7 months. The second one was a happy baby, but she didn't sleep for the first two years. So I've been tired, I've been exhausted, I've been overwhelmed. And I started asking him for help.

And every single time I ask anything of him, it's the same pattern.
His first reaction is to deny that there's a problem. The thing I say happened has never happened.
Then, when it happens again and I point it out, I'm unreasonable and I expect impossible things.
Then it evolves into 'okay maybe this is a reasonable request, but you didn't ask me nicely enough so it's your fault I don't want to do it'.
And eventually he'll come around. Sometimes after months.
But I always have to go through the same dance.

He knows. It took me a few years, but I have told him that I'm very unhappy and that I've considered leaving.
In his mind everything is my fault and if I didn't have any (unreasonable) expectations of him, we wouldn't have any problems. He has very little insight in his own faults and keeps blaming me for the way he acts.

He's adamant on having them 50/50 if we would separate.
I work in the mental health sector and I've had plenty of experience with the family court system, professionally that is. The laws in my country also favour 50/50. I have no doubt that he would win. He doesn't drink, he's not abusive, he's not violent, he doesn't go out and leave the kids alone.

He has undiagnosed ADD and I also suspect he's on the autism spectrum.
Professionally he's not the best. He has a job but gets reprimanded a lot for being forgetful and making mistakes.

What I can already see is that my 6-year old (who is incredibly smart and responsible) is the one in charge when I'm not home. She will remind him that she has homework, tell him to give the youngest a bath, tell him it's bedtime, tell him which pyjama's they need to put on, remind him that they need to brush their teeth. She's constantly guiding him through the things he needs to do, rather than just playing and being a child.

Also, I hear her saying things like 'I won't bother asking dad, he won't remember anyway. I'll just do it myself'. And even though those are exactly my frustrations, she didn't hear them from me. And it hurts me that a 6-year old already feels this way about her parent. But because I'm usually there, at least she has me and she doesn't have to be the responsible one all the time.

So you think it's better to stay and teach them this is how husbands and fathers act? That this behaviour is reasonable and is to be managed by just doing it yourself? Your 6 yo is literally already taking on the mental load that you say you're trying to save them from, and that's with you there.

You should leave and demonstrate that women do not need to be responsible for useless men. Start teaching them young that they are not in charge of managing his life or emotions.

If he's as useless as you say he is, he won't keep up with his promises of making your life miserable for very long. That kind of vengeance and anger takes energy and it doesn't sound like he has any. Chances are strong that he'll zone out of parenting pretty quick too, when he realises how much work is involved without you there backing it up. Your girls might spend far less time with him than you expect.

Just ignore him. Don’t bother asking for his help, you are wasting your breath. Marital autarky til you feel ready to go.

OP, google Cassandra Syndrome x

Thank you so much! This is an eye opener

I’ve been there. I waited for too long to leave. I had exactly the same issue around being a buffer, disinterested dad, a bit crap in general etc. My kids were 8&10 when I left and I sometimes feel it was too late. They learned to talk down to me, that I was beneath their dad and it’s taken years to undo that. Again, he’s definitely undiagnosed neurodivergent, which makes it so much harder.
he has them most weekends, can’t be trusted to do school run or even make sure they get up. He stays in a nearby city, so not walkable to schools. He turned spiteful too. It’s been really tough.
Feel free to message me if that would help. Good luck!

I’m always amazed at how men like this manage to get married in the first place.

This!

Id rather live in a peaceful house with myself and my kids. only mention their dad in a positive light. then have your time when they go and see their dad. if hes an arsehole with them i.e slagging you of and all that then get something in place.

also what sort of relationship are you showing your kids because whatever they learn from you now is what they will take to their future relationships.

its your choice

‘He's also told me that if we ever break up, I would become his enemy and he'd make my life as miserable as he can.’

That’s so despicable in itself. What’s actually the matter with him? That’s not ‘undiagnosed ADD’. That’s on a different planet.

I have been in this exact position, i left when the children were early teens which wasnt ideal but i needed to know that they were at an age where they could look after themselves a bit.

I am now divorced, it was so difficult but equally im pleased i did it. My oldest now fully understands and completely understands why i left. Ive also found that being honest with the children so they can see his behaviour isnt the normal has helped them too.

I have also found i am able to support them more as i am in a better place. Everyone around me use to say how lovely my husband was and i literally thought i was going mad, but they didnt live my life. Its obviously not the right time for you to leave now, but there will come a time when it is. You will be happy again.

Please look at cassandra syndrome, i think it really will resonate with you and what you have said.

I spent a good few years just parenting on my own as if there was t another responsible adult in the house.

No big arguments - i just decided to stop expecting anything of him. My 3 DDs had a wonderful childhood but their dad was just this shadow figure in the background. He worked shifts, he was there for sunday lunches.

When youngest was 8 i left him. The girls all just happily came with me. ( i moved found the corner)

He banged in angrily about 50:50 custody and i did nothing to get in the way of it but also did nothing to facilitate it. It lasted about 2 weeks - could be bothered with the effort.

I was fine with that.

17 years on we're all just fine - i've remarried to a lovely man and their dad is a joke to us. Then never see him and are happy as larry / his loss all round. There's a grandchild he doesn't even know about !