Disappointed but worse not surprised

[Bradwell168]

Married to a good man for 16 years.

Feeling below par mentally and physically at the moment, generally miserable and unsettled. Might have high BP, might be menopause. Trying to see a dr.

out of character for me (I have a tendency for a brave face) I said to husband ‘why am I feeling so flat?’ Hoping it would provoke an open conversation and discussion.

His response ‘dunno’. That’s it!

I should have said something back but was hurt and dismissed so I walked away.

He just thinks I’m in a grump now but doesn’t know why.

He doesn't know. He could have encouraged you to open up, and listened, at least but some people aren't good at that.

Do you monitor your blood pressure? If not get yourself a little machine but take the readings when you are feeling relaxed and not after a meal. Morning and evening are usually recommended. Everybody's BP fluctuates.

Blood tests will indicate if you are peri-menopausal.

You might feel better in a few days. I hope so.

OP - I think you are being unfair. He is not a mind reader, not your counsellor or a nurse taking care of you.

How about being a grownup and saying what you actually want to say, rather than dropping some crumbs and expecting him to guess, and then getting disappointed?....

And separately - what sort of "discussion" and "open conversation" are you expecting about your feeling flat - if you yourself have no idea of why you are down? Is he a doctor or mental health professional?

A better conversation starter would have been - "I am feeling flat, and I am worried because I don't know why. Can I have a cuddle? (or whatever support you need from him)" - as this is the only thing he can do, really. Nor like it's a matter of "guess the cause"....

Separately - if you are in your 40s - the unsettled and miserable, and also unreasonable and irrationally emotional, combined with general low energy=tiredness - is likely peri - hormones fluctuations cause these symptoms frequently. High BP is more of a physical sensation of being unwell - headaches, chest pain, shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, and tiredness (as well).

You’re being massively unfair on him. I wouldn’t have a fucking clue what to say if my boyfriend said ‘Why am I feeling so flat?’

If you don’t know why you’re out of sorts, why would you expect him to? Why would he even know what you meant by ‘feeling flat’? If you want to talk about your physical or mental health, have an actual, sensible conversation with him and explain specifically what your symptoms/feelings are and what you think the problem might be.

You can’t throw out some vague test statement and expect him to respond with “OK, let’s explore that” as if he’s a person-centred therapist.

You’re also being unreasonable by being grumpy with him now and letting him go on wondering what the problem is.

I’m confused about what you think he’s done wrong.

Maybe he should ask you why you're being a grump, then you could explain what you wanted from him in the first place. I think you're being unfair on him - he doesn't know why you're feeling flat and neither do you.

Agree. He’s not a kind reader - if OP wanted an open conversation and discussion then start one, don’t play a guessing game either someone who has no idea of the game you want them to play.

YABU OP - just tell him how you feel

Drip feed incoming….

You don’t know how to communicate: brave face, walking away, now sulking. Think through what you really want to say to him and then pick a sensible time and then say it.

I'm going to be honest, that's not a question that I feel promotes open conversation. I'd probably say "dunno" too because he doesn't know how you're feeling. It's a bit blunt sure and maybe "are you ok?" would've been nicer but... I mean in just this one post you've got two instances of expecting him to know what you want without you actually telling him.

• Expecting him to know you want an open conversation and discussion when asking a question that doesn't really have an answer

• Now expecting him to know why you're in a mood without telling him

He's not a therapist. If you want to have an open discussion about how you're feeling you might have to be a bit more straightforward about it.

I also don’t think that was the way to open the conversation. Not with a man in any case. For him, you asked a question and he doesn’t know the answer.

IME, a man won’t generally see that kind of thing as an invitation to engage in a discussion about feelings - they need things spelt out - though a woman might. What do you think would happen if you told him you were feeling low and would like to talk to him about it?

This isn’t enough to be disappointed about. Really? Is there more information? More background?

You asked a question and he gave you his honest answer. To a man, that’ll the job done. That’s what they do.

If you had said “I’ve been feeling so odd lately and I don’t know why. It’s really getting me down now. I’m coming in for a cuddle” you might feel a bit better right now.

Go back and try again

Start by saying
"I feel like X. I need...."

And tell him what you need...
Sympathy, a hug, some practical solutions to try, to feel seen ... whatever...

Tell me whats wrong me.

I dont know whats wrong with you.

You're a twat then.

But he doesn't know.

The problem is that, if you always put a brave face on things, then how is he to know that you want to talk about it on this occasion?

If you've been married for 16 years and aren't the sort of person to want to discuss things, you have changed the parameters on this occasion.

It's absolutely fine to want to talk about it but there is an established communication dynamic now and if you want it to change, you need to communicate that too.

I'll be honest, my partner isn't someone who is particularly open to talking about his feelings on things. If he said, "What's wrong with me?" I'd also say, "I don't know," because I wouldn't know and I wouldn't necessarily realise that he wanted to talk on that occasion.

I'd be happy to talk about it and discuss his feelings but I'd also he surprised. It just wouldn't occur to me.

I'd have said the same. How is he supposed to know? If you want to talk to him about how you're feeling, say that. Then if he refuses to engage, you have an issue.

I'd have said something similar if my husband said that to me.
I saw a post recently where someone wrote they started clearly stating context/what they want from the conversation so there's zero ambiguity or secret hinting.
'to be clear, I'm just venting, don't need advice/ I wanted reassurance that I'm doing the right thing/ I feel insecure about this and wondered if you think XYZ is the best way for me to proceed?'

Perimenopause can cause a huge range of symptoms from changes to your teeth, palpitations, UTIs, mood, anxiety, etc. Hopefully your GP can be helpful.

(Just noticed this thread is from two days ago)

Try instead.
I'm feeling really flat and I want us to talk about it and figure out together why and what we can change"

If you rarely open up, he won’t have had practice or experience of having a probing conversation with you. I agree with everyone, you need to be clearer on expectations, but particularly if this is a change in what you usually want.