No long term future is there

[Poochon1]

I'm finally going to see a rental flat as I am seriously considering leaving 10 year relationship. I keep changing my mind whether to stay or go. Things aren't bad day to day but long term I feel we just want different things. I hate where we live, he knows this but refuses to consider moving. I've wanted to get engaged and married for years - I told him 7 years ago I wanted to be married in the next few years but here we are, not even engaged. We barely go on holiday together so I end up on solo trips a lot as I love travelling. I just feel like I am compromising on my future and he just does what he likes.

On top of that, I do all the housework. He says he will help and doesn't get round to it so I end up having to do the stuff he was meant to. He puts me down in silly ways and will snap at me in front of friends and family who have commented on how he speaks to me. I feel deep down it's got to end but it's so difficult to uproot my entire life. How do you leave something that doesn't feel that bad right now because you know it's not right long term? I feel like I'll be more miserable alone right now but then know that I'm not getting what I want out of life with him ☹️

Sounds like it's a wise choice to leave, you have lots of good reasons.
Yes you may be miserable for a while on your own but then things will improve. If you stay you will be miserable and it will get worse and sap the life out of you. Be brave and make a new start

This is a real life's too short situation, OP, isn't it?

Project yourself another 5 or 7 years into the future. What do you want your life to look like? Don't think about tomorrow and being alone. Take a longer term view.

Is he even someone you want to be married to now? Or is it just better than being alone?
What if you have an amazing few years living your best life and then meet somone who wants the same things out of life as you do? Someone who isn't lazy who doesn't put you down or snap at you? Someone who enhances your life rather than limiting it.

It's easy to stick around for another day and another day. But days morph into weeks, months, years and nothing will change unless you change it.

You won’t be able to see this now, but living alone is peaceful and a lot of your life doesn’t need to change after you leave. You still get to go on solo holidays and do the things you enjoy, but you don’t have the stress of a waste of space man bringing negativity.
View the flat and if you like it, go for it. In 6 months time you’ll feel so much better and be glad you’re not in your 8th year of trying to persuade a man to marry you when he just won’t. And you definitely shouldn’t marry him.
It might not feel bad now, but it clearly doesn’t feel good either. That’s your reason to leave.

I think that you have realised that this so called relationship is going no where. You been with him 10 years and you told him 7 years ago that you wanted to get engaged and married within a few years. He leaves you to do all the housework and various other things in the house or apartments you share.
He is also verbally nasty to you and your friends and family have heard him doing this. They have even said this to you.
He won't move from an area that you don't like living in and won't go on holidays with you.
Along with this your probably paying half the rent and bills were you currently live.

In your situation I would be looking for a new place to live and once you get somewhere to live tell him it over. I know it hard to end things after been with someone for so long but your unhappy and he is treating you poorly.
It not going to get better and he is not going to change.

Meet up with friends and tell them you decided to end things with him and are now living in x. Move into a new place in an new area and get involved with some groups that your interested in.
Your time is now your own and you can build a life apart from him.
If you do the freedom programme it will help you spot a man like him in the future. You could meet another man and get married and have kids if this is something that you want. I would not be wasting any more time on this man.
Also you won't have to buy him a Christmas present.

I wish you all the best with leaving him and having a far better life as a result.

You put yourself first

If you move, you will have your freedom & you can do exactly what you want.

Freedom is priceless !

Start looking fir somewhere new to live (don't tell him)

Get excited about change

Start planning what you will do when you are free !

Thanks all, I think I just need to brave and think about the next 5/10 years down the line still feeling like this! Also it doesn't feel bad but it doesn't feel good either comment is spot on. It doesn't feel good and I have definitely let the days turn into years. I'm mid 30s now and feel like I've wasted so much time for nothing.
It's also just been my birthday at the weekend and he did nothing for it - no card, present is late and no nice dinner etc. He begrudgingly wished me happy birthday when I reminded him so I think that's just been the final nail in the coffin!

How old are you now?

Just had a birthday is perfect actually.

How do you want to be celebrating your birthday next year? Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be celebrating it with?

You could even start thinking about and planning for it now to give you a focus and something positive to aim for.

34... As I say I really feel like I've wasted my life now so think there is a little bit of sunk costs and not wanting to start over, fear of being alone and not getting married etc. Though realistically I'm never going to be married if I stay here either. Not 100% on kids so that is not a huge factor for me in terms of the biological clock. Yes definitely a positive way to look at it of thinking how I want to spend it next year and would be lovely for it not to just be ignored!

Leave and do it on your own terms as he sees you as a cook/cleaner rather than anything else. Definitely move on. You’re way too young for this shit.

OK. 34 is actually perfect because next year you'll be 35 at the midpoint. You can then plan the rest of your 30s and go into your 40s as the awesome woman you are!

Put it this way. The next year; the next 5 years; the next decade are going to happen whether you're spending them how you want to or not. Time isn't going to stand still and wait for you.

Don't stay where you're not happy for fear of being alone, not wanting to start over, sunken costs fallacy because you already know that the last 10 years haven't yielded the result you want. Why would the next?

And if you really do regard it as wasted time, why the hell are you considering wasting any more of your precious life? Don't look back and feel the same about the next 10 years.

In your shoes, I'd go away for a few days by myself with a notebook and pen and start to really think about what I wanted life to look like.

I would bet my house that if (when!) you do move out you will feel a massive burden lift off your shoulders and wonder why you waited so long.

You deserve so much better! Ditch his lazy arse, set your bar high and start enjoying your new future 😊

You’ve got ground down by the constant compromise and negativity and I think there’s an element of the frog in the boiling water too. One you leap out of the pan you’ll feel so much better.

I left a hopeless bloke when I was 38 and three years later had a gorgeous baby with a wonderful man. We’ve now been together twenty-one years. Good things can happen, but they won’t while this hopeless man is dragging you down!

What everyone else said

It's also just been my birthday at the weekend and he did nothing for it - no card, present is late and no nice dinner etc. He begrudgingly wished me happy birthday when I reminded him so I think that's just been the final nail in the coffin!

Definitely time for a fresh start. That relationship is done.

He doesn't have to hit you or swear at you to be too bad to live with. He's treating you like a second class citizen - what makes HIM so great that someone has to do all his grunt work without so much as a birthday card or apprecation?

He won't improve. If you don't leave, this is your life, forever. Waiting on a man who doesn't care enough even to marry you.

So true, I feel like an afterthought and it's always what he says goes. And yeah I think that I try very hard and get no thanks for it. It's all just ground me down over the years and I am finally realising what the hell am I putting up with it for!

So you're not actually in a partnership. You have a room-mate who treats you like a housekeeper/maid. And isn't a very nice employee (and I bet the salary izn't very good, either).

Think of him as taking up space in your life that could be filled by other people. All the while you're "with" him, people will think you're getting the companionship you need from him, because that's the way it generally works. Once you're alone, I think.you'll find you'll get more invites, and that space in your life that he currently squats in will get filled by other opportunities.

And if he is as unpleasant to you in social situations as you imply, people who like you might actually be not inviting you to things because you come with him.

Get rid, swap him for a life!