How did your kids getting into the teen years impact the time you have with your partner?

SparkFinder · 2025-10-20T13:11:11+00:00

My kids are 11 and 14. When they were little the dynamic was they'd go off to bed and myself and my husband would have an hour or so on the couch watching TV together. We were able to maintain that through school holidays, etc. so I think we did pretty well. Now the kids are getting older they want to stay up later, and we're also watching more TV programmes together - like the Traitors, Wednesday, etc. As a result we don't have this adult time any more. I really enjoy hanging out with the kids in the evening and how our family is evolving, but I think my husband is resentful and almost feels in competition now with the kids for time with me. I grew up in a house where we watched TV together, etc. I think he grew up in a house where everyone had a TV in their room and did their own thing in the evening. For parents of older kids, how did you evolve your evenings at this stage for family and relationship?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 20/10/2025 15:14

Do you ever go out together just the two of you?

One of the advantages of teenagers is that you're not stuck in every evening. Give the 14 year old a few quid to babysit and pop down the pub for a few hours once a week or so

UpDownAllAround1 · 20/10/2025 15:19

You think he is resentful? Or he has said? Does he have a hobby?

OriginalUsername2 · 20/10/2025 15:20

Have a few TV nights but they can still stay up later in their rooms on other nights.

Ddakji · 20/10/2025 15:21

Lots, because DD doesn’t really watch TV with us, which is a bit of a shame.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2025 15:34

I would just go out more the two of you I think. The eldest is 14 so you can. I actually love the freedom of not having to be in all the time. Just go back to doing whatever you enjoyed doing when you were dating.

Tryingatleast · 20/10/2025 15:37

It’s a nightmare- definitely has played a part in issues- they’re just always there!!! We’ve done the ‘we want to have a date night’ thing but it rarely happens. Great the kids want to spend the time with us but I miss how we used to watch our own stuff and chat and laugh together

Comedycook · 20/10/2025 15:38

It's definitely an adjustment...I didn't particularly miss spending time together...just a general missed my own time in the evening. They would go to bed at about 7 and I'd have a good 3-4 hours to make dinner, eat, watch TV and do a few chores in peace. As they get older though op I find they tend to skulk off to their rooms in the evening..we also kept the playroom as a kind of second living room and it has a TV and Xbox in there so sometimes they'd sit there and watch their own stuff while we used the main living room.

Original poster

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 16:24

We don't get out that much which is maybe the challenge. The eldest is 14 but has ADHD, ASD etc. So not really in a position to babysit yet. And we mostly relied on our parents when they were younger, but they're not always in a position to do it now. We don't have a second playroom, etc. The house is feeling small and we want to keep devices out of the bedrooms. I think I need to just book in a date when we can get out.

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Original poster

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 16:25

UpDownAllAround1 · 20/10/2025 15:19

You think he is resentful? Or he has said? Does he have a hobby?

Yes, plenty of hobbies! It's time just the two of us that he's complaining about.

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Original poster

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 16:26

Ddakji · 20/10/2025 15:21

Lots, because DD doesn’t really watch TV with us, which is a bit of a shame.

Yeah, I reckon this is a short period of time and I want to enjoy it while they're still actively seeking to spend time with us!!

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mindutopia · 20/10/2025 17:07

We definitely have less time together than we used to. It’s not even that they stay up later and want to do things with you, it’s that the whole evening shifts later and there is more to do.

One of ours has sports training until 9:15 3-4 nights a week. We eat dinner at 7-8pm, but she eats later and then there is all the clean up, showers, etc. I once was someone who would stay up til 11:30pm to spend time with Dh, but honestly, sleep is more valuable to me right now (I also have cancer and another chronic illness, so will just always choose sleep).

We also aren’t in the just leave the teens at home phase, because our youngest is 7, so there are no date nights.

It’s easier though to have grown up conversations even with dc around and participating, so we make do with proper sit down family dinners every night (even if some nights we are missing one or the other of them). And Dh and I do daytime lunches out on occasion just the two of us.

Glitterballofdreams · 20/10/2025 17:12

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 16:24

We don't get out that much which is maybe the challenge. The eldest is 14 but has ADHD, ASD etc. So not really in a position to babysit yet. And we mostly relied on our parents when they were younger, but they're not always in a position to do it now. We don't have a second playroom, etc. The house is feeling small and we want to keep devices out of the bedrooms. I think I need to just book in a date when we can get out.

Similar situation here, our eldest is 18 however has ASD & ADHD so isn’t able to babysit, we also have no family support. So we don’t have date nights. Our older children do spend time in their rooms, and similarly like to come down and watch a show with us. If there’s something not so child friendly for our younger ones we tell them they can stay up but in their rooms.
I would try to designate an evening for just you and DH, and see how that goes. But kids are not kids for long and they’ll soon be way too cool and busy to sit with us, so we just make the most of it, as frustrating as it can sometimes be.

jokkkshfjjf · 20/10/2025 17:13

I feel this is the stage of parenting I wasn’t warned about! I love the age the kids are now, lovely company and more helpful, but I really miss time with DH, I don’t feel like I can ask the kids to go elsewhere if they’ve chosen to sit with us, as eldest (15) is spending more and more time in his room.

DH and I usually get 24 hours to ourselves once a month when the kids go to my parents’, thankfully they still enjoy doing that. We’ve also found joy in disappearing on a weekend for lunch now they can stay on their own! But definitely very different to when they were younger with an earlier bedtime.

Original poster

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 21:19

mindutopia · 20/10/2025 17:07

We definitely have less time together than we used to. It’s not even that they stay up later and want to do things with you, it’s that the whole evening shifts later and there is more to do.

One of ours has sports training until 9:15 3-4 nights a week. We eat dinner at 7-8pm, but she eats later and then there is all the clean up, showers, etc. I once was someone who would stay up til 11:30pm to spend time with Dh, but honestly, sleep is more valuable to me right now (I also have cancer and another chronic illness, so will just always choose sleep).

We also aren’t in the just leave the teens at home phase, because our youngest is 7, so there are no date nights.

It’s easier though to have grown up conversations even with dc around and participating, so we make do with proper sit down family dinners every night (even if some nights we are missing one or the other of them). And Dh and I do daytime lunches out on occasion just the two of us.

Day time lunches we could do. We often both work from home so maybe we should make sure we go out for lunch every now and then.

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Original poster

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 21:21

Glitterballofdreams · 20/10/2025 17:12

Similar situation here, our eldest is 18 however has ASD & ADHD so isn’t able to babysit, we also have no family support. So we don’t have date nights. Our older children do spend time in their rooms, and similarly like to come down and watch a show with us. If there’s something not so child friendly for our younger ones we tell them they can stay up but in their rooms.
I would try to designate an evening for just you and DH, and see how that goes. But kids are not kids for long and they’ll soon be way too cool and busy to sit with us, so we just make the most of it, as frustrating as it can sometimes be.

Show quote history

Thank you, we might try and have one evening a week. Maybe if we plan it in advance and we all know it'll be easier.

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Original poster

SparkFinder · 20/10/2025 21:24

jokkkshfjjf · 20/10/2025 17:13

I feel this is the stage of parenting I wasn’t warned about! I love the age the kids are now, lovely company and more helpful, but I really miss time with DH, I don’t feel like I can ask the kids to go elsewhere if they’ve chosen to sit with us, as eldest (15) is spending more and more time in his room.

DH and I usually get 24 hours to ourselves once a month when the kids go to my parents’, thankfully they still enjoy doing that. We’ve also found joy in disappearing on a weekend for lunch now they can stay on their own! But definitely very different to when they were younger with an earlier bedtime.

Agree, I didn't really think about this stage and it's kind of crept up on us and we find ourselves not having had a night together in ages. I also don't mind it so much, so I think I'm not proactively trying to shape it.

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CarpetKnees · 20/10/2025 23:20

Another way is to get in the habit of going for a walk together each evening.

We really reconnected during covid, walking round together for an hour, just the two of us.

However, certainly by 14, most teens disappear off to their bedrooms, only to emerge to go to school, any hobbies, and for food. If you want time together you have to go back and review the "no technology in their bedrooms" ruling.
Or you accept that you have created a bit of an anomaly amongst families with teens in that they want to stay in the living room with you.

cool4cats2020 · 21/10/2025 09:53

Yes we're finding ourselves in a similar situation. Difference is we don't live together and both have kids from previous relationships, 5 between us. When they were primary age it was actually much easier - the kids all got along pretty well together and we could do holidays together, have sleepovers etc. The kids would all be in bed by 9pm and we'd get the late evenings to ourselves.

Now they're all teenagers one of DP's eldest dd refuses to 'compromise' on anything so their household revolves around wat his dd wants to do. So we no longer holiday together, and only see each other one weekend a fortnight when we're both supposed to be child free. Except DP's dd can't be bothered to go to her mum's at weekends, so our only time together is no longer child free. So dp is never able to come to mine, and when I go over to visit dp at his place his dd is ruling the roost.

Dp let's his DC have their phones and tablets in their rooms, but not TV. So his DC are mostly in the living room playing video games on the living room TV, or else they hog the TV remote and watch whatever they like. Me and dp used to watch a film together or start a series together, but now when I go round there, DC is half way through watching some obscure series, and even if it was something I'd be interested in I've missed most of it and no idea what's going on. His dd also stays up later than we do, so we get no time alone. Last few times we've gone out for dinner together, dp has invited his dd along with us! I end up feeling like a third wheel while they laugh and joke together and I'm barely able to join in the conversation because his dd doesn't like speaking to me.

I'm not sure if or how our relationship can survive much longer really - we see so little of each other and barely get any quality time together, only when his dd will allow us.