Declined a second date due to his situation with ex

[DeidrefromDusseldorf]

Just curious about what others think and if you would have done the same thing. I just declined a second OLD date with someone. On paper he was eligible; reasonable-looking, great career, educated, interesting and kind to animals. However, he spoke a fair bit about the awful situation with his ex and was clearly angry and bitter about it. She moved to his home country and they dated for a few years before she fell pregnant. Shortly after that, she announced she wanted to raise their child in the UK and she moved back here .

He flew over for the birth but then had to return to his home country for work and got stuck there due to Covid. He then quit “the best job he ever had” and relocated here in order to have a relationship with his son. According to him, the child’s mother refused to allow him to have any access to his child necessitating a lengthy court battle and years without seeing his son . He said he did not know why the mother was denying access. He has now got court-ordered access every other weekend. The child is 6 years old and has never stayed overnight with his father as he is still not used to him . The child’s mother and grandmother insist on accompanying the child every time he sees his father. So they meet at parks or cafes and the dad awkwardly interacts with the child whilst the mother and grandma look on.

For me, there would have to be a very good reason to refuse my children access to their dad such as abusive behaviour . Obviously there is a possibility that the ex is just an awful person who is hellbent on ruining a father-son relationship. But I wasn't prepared to take a chance on stranger in case it’s the former. The guy asked to see
me again but my gut said no.

Run

You're right.

Who'd want to get mixed up in all that drama OP.

Next!

You made the right decision to decline. It all sounds too complicated and fraught. Is he behaviour questionable? I wouldn’t bother trying to find out.

If I had dated him, I would have been fixated on finding out the truth about why she denied access. It all just felt off to me. If the guy is innocent of wrongdoing, it must be awful for him but I didn’t want to drama, bitterness or risk.

I’d swerve anyone that only saw their child every other weekend. It’s a pitiful amount of contact, is he supposed to be building up to more time with his child?

Interesting also that contact only takes place in public, and the mum feels the need to bring grandma along as a chaperone. That rings alarm bells.

Alarm bells regarding the access to his child being supervised and in public places. I think he is lying. You are right not to see him again.

Yes, he said it was meant to be increasing. He apparently is meant to have the kid all weekend but the ex won’t allow it. But then surely you would go back to court to enforce this? I’m fortunate in that my ex and I never had involve courts or lawyers to arrange child contact so I don’t know how this is all meant to work.

Absolute best case scenario, it all happened as he said it did and the whole Covid thing really really messed things up..... and it's still too much drama for you to get involved in and it's definitely too much drama for a first date. I mean, even if it's true, then surely on first date it's summarised as, "I live in England because my ex is English and returned to the UK with our son and once Covid was over and I was able to move, i came here to be closer to him. It's h ard sometimes, but I'm really working to build a relationship with him. What about you? How old are your children?"

Far more likely there's a lot more to the story however, which makes it even more of a reason not to go there.

@JadziaDgood point. There was no need at all for him to divulge all that. I suspect he is lying and maybe only allowed supervised visits.

You’ve done the right thing. This will always cause stress and drama regardless of the circumstances.
However a safe, loving parent would surely be back in court long before now fighting for 50/50 unsupervised access if he was no risk to his child. Especially one who’s relocated from another country to be near him.
There’s more to this than he’s saying. Stay well clear.

The absolute trauma dump on a first date would be enough to out me off a second, let alone the actual situation.

He doesn't know why she's denied access? So in court when she explained the reasons he was what? Listening to the match?

Yes, supervised contact comes with a really high threshold. He would have to be deemed a direct threat to the child if alone with them.

What an absolute scrotum he is.

If the dad is not deemed a risk to the child they are given all the contact they could want equal to the mother. FC supports contact with both parents.

I asked him directly why she had denied him
access and he said he didn’t know and that she is just unreasonable about lots of things. I did think this was bullshit.

Yep. He obviously wanted to get his version out there as soon as possible.

Either as you suspect, there’s good reason for him not having unsupervised access - or she’s an unreasonable nightmare. And if it’s the latter, the ex / child relationships are defining his life, and he ain’t ready.
Either way, your instincts look good.

A drama triangle which actually looks more like a pentacle.

Run run run.

You've done the right thing. This will dominate your time together, if nothing else.
Just turn him loose.

Wow, what a great listener and learner!