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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To Listen but not give opinion?

8 replies

theLadyWhoJumpsHigh · 20/10/2025 11:57

My best, lifelong friend is single in her early forties and is desperate to meet a man and have kids (she doesn't feel like she can have kids alone). She met a man online who made, for me, what I considered a completely unreasonable request. He said that he needed her to dress in a very particular way for the first date. He needed her definitely to wear red high heels. And also have her hair down. Otherwise he seemed sane (based on public info about him), and very successful.

I told her it was a massive red flag, and that I would stop immediately. We had a lengthy discussion on this.

My friend then rang me the next day to say she was still considering the relationship. And she asked me what I thought about that. I then said (admittedly possibly in slight irritation) that I would not give an opinion. That I would listen to her, but that she should make the decision by herself and deal with the consequences.

She got very, very upset with me, and said "if I don't know what I've done wrong, then there is a big problem".

I would like better understanding about why what I said is wrong. Is it just my tone? (I'm not a very sensitive person, and she is hugely sensitive, which, although difficult, is what makes her a good friend). I would like to apologise to her, but need to understand what the problem is. Is it my choice of words ("deal with the consequences") or is there something else as well?

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 20/10/2025 12:01

It does come across as though you feel you told her not to see him, she carried on, so you won’t discuss it because she didn’t agree with you.

She might be hearing “Unless you do what I tell you, I’m not giving more advice”.

Counterpane · 20/10/2025 12:02

Sounds like she wants you to approve of her complying with this alarming request and when it goes wrong it will be all your fault.

RawBaby · 20/10/2025 12:06

Just keep telling her that if she can't see what's wrong with going on a first date with a total stranger who is already specifying her shoes and hairstyle, then she has a big problem, and you don't want to watch the slow-mo car crash of her relationship with him.

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 20/10/2025 12:54

Well I don't really see why should be apologising to her.
You were looking after her welfare by warning her about this guy.
And it sounds as though she is desperate for you to rubber stamp her decision to go ahead with the date.

Rictasmorticia · 20/10/2025 13:06

I think I would say that she had already asked for your opinion but disregarded it. You don’t feel you can dictate to her how she should act and felt you had nothing more to say on the subject. I would add that, “I am sorry if what I said upset you, but true friends tell the truth even when it is easier to lie”

theLadyWhoJumpsHigh · 20/10/2025 14:46

SoScarletItWas · 20/10/2025 12:01

It does come across as though you feel you told her not to see him, she carried on, so you won’t discuss it because she didn’t agree with you.

She might be hearing “Unless you do what I tell you, I’m not giving more advice”.

interesting! I didn't think of it that way. There is probably a grain of truth in that - My thinking was abit more like - "I've told you what I think, if you you don't want to take it, that that's ok, but I can't help you anymore". Does that still sound bad? Or should I just have shut up, and said something like "you do what you think is best". Actually, writing that down, that does sound alot better. I'll say that to her instead. Thank you for helping me clarify my thoughts!

OP posts:
strawgoh · 20/10/2025 15:00

Maybe the only thing to do is to say: "Well I can't tell you what to do but if it were me, then I'd run a mile from a bloke like that, he sounds really dodgy" so at least then you have said what you think but have related it to a hypothetical scenario in relation to yourself rather than what you think they should do about it.

UpDownAllAround1 · 20/10/2025 15:24

Tbh you have been her lifelong friend. You know her surely by now. Is she mega stressed?

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