3 day first date

[Melonpips1]

I could really do with some perspective about if this is a good idea or not.

Some background info, I ‘met’ this man OLD 3.5 years ago. He has family in my area, which is how we matched, but does not live locally. At the time we were talking I met my ex and communication stopped.

My relationship with my ex finished earlier this year and this man and I are back in contact. We’ve had plenty of long calls, lots of daily text communication etc. I find him funny, respectful and genuinely excited by him.

last week he invited me to a black tie event so we could meet. Due to the location of where he is now, I would need to travel down the day before and come back the day after. He is keen for us to meet the afternoon I travel down, attend the event together the next day, and do some sights before I leave the next day. For context he holds a senior position in the military and I would be attending as his guest. He has also organised accommodation for me due to the venue.

is this a really bad idea or a good opportunity to see if we get on as well In person as we do via phone. If I commit to going, I commit to 3 days in this situation

What is his plan (and what is yours) if you don't get on when you meet in person?
Has the accommodation been booked just for you?
Who has paid for the accommodation?

I ask because if he's booked and paid, he may feel that he is staying there too, or entitled to.
Obviously, depending on how you get on, that may not be an issue, but it is something to consider.

And if you don't get on when you meet, would that mean you're stuck somewhere, or would you be happy spend time there on your own?

I wouldn’t, too much pressure for a first date. Is he expecting you to share a hotel room with him? Are you really going to meet all of his colleagues, and then potentially never see him again?

I have also dated a few men in the military and would avoid in general.

I would only go if I had my own room in a large hotel with plenty of neutral (not his colleagues) people around. Nowhere remote. I would book and pay for my own room and travel.

Yes I think it depends on the accommodation he has arranged.

If he is expecting to share it with you then I wouldn't be happy about going to the event. You could get trapped in a situation you weren't happy with.

I think he needs to be very clear about the accommodation arrangements and his expectations regarding them before you agree to go.

Not a chance. First dates are a coffee or a quick drink, so you haven’t wasted time on a non-starter. And what’s the point, anyway, if he’s at this inconvenient a distance?

This sounds very presumptuous and controlling. Too much too soon.

If the accommodation is a hotel (sole use)- him by invitation only, not planned I would. But it sounds more likely to be military on site. I wouldn't as I'd feel too vulnerable.

but the concept of going for the weekend if j could be independent I'd be fine with.

Given you ditched him as soon as you met your Ex though, does this have legs or is he just a rebound?

I wouldn't want to be meeting colleagues on a first date. That's way too much investment on both parts and would make me question how fast he is anticipating this relationship to move.

Far too much too soon. As pp said first dates are usually a couple of drinks or a coffee date. Enough to see if there’s anything there.
If you don’t particularly gel you’re stuck for 3 days - no thank you

I know someone who did just this but he wasn’t military. We all thought she was a bit mad but she did say if after the first meeting they didn’t click she’d drive home. They were going to some corporate ball after. It went really well and six months later pack her job in to move to his area and a year later married him. Don’t know if they’re still together but this was about 10 years ago.

I've known people online then gone to meet them in real life for the first time on a weekend visit. In all of those cases I arranged and paid for my own accommodation, and all of them were intended platonically. (One of them did turn into a hook-up but that's by the by.)

This would depend on a few things -

Did you pay for the accommodation and do you have a room to yourself?

How do you feel about formal black tie events with lots of strangers? Some people would find this a great experience and others would find it very uncomfortable and a lot of pressure. Neither is unreasonable.

How is he going to introduce you to people at this event? As his date... who he's meeting IRL for the first time that weekend? Or as a friend?

I do have my own room, but it is in the officers mess, so is on site. He has made it clear that it’s only if I’m comfortable with it and has certainly not implied he would be in it too.

I am very comfortable at black tie & formal events

I would go then, if I were you.

It may or may not work out, like any other dating activity, but even if no sparks fly it sounds like you'll manage to have a reasonably pleasant time while also being safe. This kind of fancy event is always worth doing as an experience, imo - the opportunity doesn't come up all the time.

If it's really not working out chemistry-wise you can skip the sightseeing the day after.