Suspicions & messages

[Didntseeitcoming]

My DH of 20 years has never been the best for showing affection & sex has dwindled in the last few years. His choice not mine as he has a chronic illness. Anyway, fast forward to a few years ago he had mentionitis about a woman at work & became distant towards me, long story short I snooped & found some messages, nothing sexual but laden with innuendo. I was experiencing some bad menopausal symptoms at the time & they made me really paranoid. We worked through that & have been ok, just moved house in fact & had an exciting future planned as no kids at home.

Now it’s started again & I don’t know if it’s me being paranoid or not. We had a nice weekend planned which he sabotaged by being nasty. He apologised but was distant & avoidant all day, he said he’s had some low mood & rage & not been himself. Anyway I snooped again as he’s had mentionitis about a different woman. He’s also locked down his messages but I managed to get in. Lots of work related messages calling each other dear & your a good one, few calls in his call log. I’m planning on talking to him tonight but I’ve had enough & I'm sure he’s had enough of me snooping. It’s over isn’t it?

Talk first.
I had these exact feelings towards my wife.
Things got very bad. Neither of us talked about how we were actually feeling.
This went on for quite a while and the sex too disappeared, my wife kept saying it was her mental health.
Eventually everything hit the fan in a similar way to your finding the messages. We were separating and had talked through how divorce was going to work.
At that point all barriers were down anyway because whats the point.
We started actually talking about how we had been feeling. There was a spark like moment that reminded my wife of why she fell in love with me in the first place. And then we talked a lot about what we felt was missing.
Being wanted was top of both of our lists. Took us a while to realise for ourselves. So we figured out what to do. Just little things like hold hands or hug every single morning and as often as possible. Make housework a team effort and make it fun. Bring the silliness back.
Make time for each other. We now have Mondays off together after juggling work around and we go on dates while the kids are at school. We snuggle and also make it clear with complete understanding when we feel like being intimate. By complete understanding I mean that if the other doesnt feel like that its ok. We can just have some time together with a film or project instead. Alone time is also important and we encourage each other to see friends and socialise.

We had a lot of help from a therapist too. We also found an app that gets us answering relationship or personal questions together. Its good because it doesn't let you see the others answer until you answer and it brings up subject we hadn't realised were important.

20 years together and who knew just talking and being open would let us learn so much more about each other.

Its easy to shut down. Opening up is worth the effort if you can see a future.

On the paranioa part. Thats harder to get over. And it requires a lot of work on your partners side. Plus the capacity for forgiveness. I've held true to not bringing it up in arguments or using it to make an example. But resisting the urge to look at messages was dificult to start with. Until I had trust that she told me everytime her now ex coworker messaged and that she was not responding at all.

Hard work all round and super awkward getting back to being huggy and physical to start with. So talk and figure out if you both want to put that effort in.

My friend is currently talking on messaging to a man like this. He's got health problems and so has his wife. He talks sexually to her and sends pictures. It's pathetic. He uses my friend as escapism. It's all very unpleasant. I would kick him out.

found some messages, nothing sexual but laden with innuendo. I was experiencing some bad menopausal symptoms at the time & they made me really paranoid.

It's worrying that you have clamped onto the menopause to excuse away your (correct) suspicions as 'paranoia'. I imagine it's a self-defence mechanism to protect yourself from what's really happening. Whatever 'paranoia' you may be experience is irrelevant to what your husband is doing – your paranoia does not make him pick up his phone and send suggestive texts to another woman. It also doesn't make him lock down his messages because he is cultivating it again.

HE does that. It's inappropriate and, for me, would be the end of the relationship. I think you need to open your eyes here – you've got a bad one. Yes, the outlook of life by yourself may be frightening, but this as an alternative? Far more frightening, I would think, to live out the rest of your days as wife to a creep who doesn't love or respect you.

I couldn’t concentrate at work, was constantly on the verge of tears & felt sick. So have come home, he’s self employed & was at home today doing paperwork, but he’s not here. Laptop is open on the table but there is nothing on it at all. These women are reps he uses to buy work materials. The one with all the ‘morning dear’ messages has just come back from Mat leave 😳 from her WhatsApp pic she spookily looks like me from 10 years ago. I’m going to have to confess to the snooping aren’t I?

Oh & just to add, she came round to the house last week to drop something off. I was in & heard her outside talking. Didn’t know who it was until she’d gone.