Did counselling work for you, and how did you find a counsellor?

[PersephoneParlormaid]

My relationship is awful and has been for years. We don’t talk, except for necessary stuff, and sit in different rooms.
I think the relationship is well and truly done, but I want to give it one last chance and I’d like to have the safe space to talk. Whether that’s to move forward together, or to make the break.
How did you find a good counsellor, and did it help?

We went to relate. It did help in that I realised we absolutely were done.

Counselling is good if you have the right person and you need your voice heard. I found out all sorts I didn’t know about when my husband talked. I do think I had said everything but it gave me a voice not to be dismissed. It also enabled him to open up properly. I have since kept the same person for one to one sessions, but I know I won’t forgive him and have plans to leave when financials allow. I have done it before when things were bad in a previous marriage and it confirmed I wanted to leave. Not sure if that helps?

Yes I do need my voice heard. I used to be very vocal but over time I’ve realised that I just don’t say anything any more, I boil inside with resentment instead.

Yes, it’s almost worse doing that as it just builds up with no outlet. Try it and see. I think you will be able to say what you’re thinking in a safe space and it will probably help you get things straight in your head or you could see one on your own if you think that will help. Counselling can be really good for understanding jumbled thoughts.

Counselling won’t work unless you are both committed to making the relationship work. Your OP sounds like you are viewing it as a fair accompli but you will try counselling anyway. What does your partner want? What conversations have you already had about it?

In the last couple of years I’ve told him twice that it’s over, he said he’d change, he didn’t. He has never come to me to start a conversation, he seems to just want to carry on as we are.

It for for me. It helped us communicate properly to each other. However, when it started working in helping us understand our issues my ex wife blew up and cancelled it - she had already made up her mind to leave, and and had agreed to counselling so as not to seem unreasonable. It helped me realise that we had ended up being wrong for each other at that stage of life (22 year marriage) and to not feel guilty about the divorce. She wanted/ needed someone that I couldn't be.

If he wants to change and doesn’t know how to, then it’s worth a shot but it takes commitment. Having a counselling sessions regularly for a while can help you to both focus and have somewhere to check in regularly to keep your things progressing.
If he doesn’t then at least you’ll know for sure.

Counselling worked for us. But we had individual counselling first we also took time to find the right counsellor. If you understand your specific issues you need more of a specialist counsellor. Any run of the mill counsellor is likely just going to be a place to talk and have echoed back what you said. If you want actual change you have to find a specialist.
Before we could even begin to mend the relationship my husband first had to learn how to listen/talk/feel emotions/empathy/ accountability etc.
Typically the majority of men just are not taught or expected to know this in the same way women are. Boys/men often don't have deep friendships and if you look at your partners family of origins communication style particularly the father you'll see the extent of what he has learnt in most cases.

My husband really wanted to change he saw the need for it. He put his hands in the air and said its me I am the problem in our relationship I need to grow. He then spent time learning the skills to even attempt change.That's why we have had a positive experience with counselling plus finding the right therapist. (We went through 6 to find the right one.)
Unfortunately in my experience most men I see will not accept any accountability I see countless women willing to change or compromise and very few men. That's not to say all women do but the majority. That's unfair and infuriating when trying to resuscitate a relationship. It can also look like the man isn't trying some wont be and some won't even have the skills to that will also be true for some women too.

I'd reccomend individual counselling and find out what you really want. Are you prepared to wait for your partner to learn skills,if they even want to? Is there any abuse present? Dysfunction? A counsellor can help identify and sign post you to a specialist. Unfortunately there are those out there that will also just want you to keep coming back till the end of time with very little progress or change. which is fine if thats what you want. But it's not cheap so you want to feel happy with who you are with.

Had a long time of this and it all came to a head in a messy way. We decided to try counseling and we're lucky to find a really good lady.
She said off the bat she wasn't there to fix us. Just help us figure out what we actually wanted. Be that together or appart and if appart to help us navigate that.

We decided to try.

To be clear. I was very much like your husband. But it felt like I was the o ly one being asked to change whenever my wife said it needs to be different. The counsellor helped us see that.

We figured out that we both just wanted to be wanted. We wanted little things, signs of affection.

What also helped hugely was and still is and app called paired. It asks questions each day that you have to answer before you can see the other person's answer.
Questions like "if you could give advise to your younger self about love, what would it be"
And it has quizzes with multiple questions and a 1 to 5 style rating and space to explain.
There are sexy questions you can say your ready for and these are great for just getting that side thought about again.

Between the counsellor and the app we've learnt more about each other recently than we had in the last 20 years together. And we are closer than ever now. Like today. We have just spent the day playing board games because we both enjoy that and have had so much fun. We've gone on more dates too because we know now that we both appreciate them. And not just dinner but fun silly things.

Your husband may be like I was and stuck in his own head not really knowing what questions to ask or how to say or even know what he wants.

I love now when my wife just reaches for my hand to hold. She loves how I hug her and kiss the back of her neck. We both love making boring things fun to be a team even in housework or looking after our kids.

If you can see or want the spark to come back. Talk to him about what you both need and make sure your holding each other's hands while your doing it.

I disagree. Counselling can help you decide to separate if necessary and help you do it. It doesn’t and shouldn’t always be about saving the relationship, but it does give that possibility a chance.

You can search on counselling directory, filter by postcode and ‘couples’ and you will get the closest ones to you.

good luck